Do You Make More Money Than Him?
Living with a woman breadwinner. Dean Chandler says buck up and do it!
It was cute back then. "She's so smart," you'd tell your friends and family. "Yep, she just got promoted. I'm so proud of her!" you'd sing over your cubicle walls to anyone who would listen. And, boy, was she grateful. "He's so supportive," she'd gush to her friends over a second glass of chardonnay. For everyone involved, it was great.
After that promotion came another. You loved it: It validated your intelligence and good taste. Ah, the pride you took in her being yours. And there were other benefits. After work, while she was off doing whatever it is smart women do to get ahead, you had time to hit the gym, play a few rounds of Golden Tee, have a beer with your friends.
On your ultra-supportive days, you'd stop by that great (and cheap) little Thai place where she loves the dumplings and pick up dinner for the two of you. You'd have it all set and ready to eat when she finally got home. It was the least you could do for the one you love.
Then, the next big deal comes her way. She calls you, all excited, and wants to celebrate by going out to dinner. She suggests the place. You use the romantic candlelight to squint at the absurd prices on the menu, and you begin to sweat. As she orders a bottle of champagne, you cringe at the thought of the hit your wallet's going to take.
When the check comes, you start to pray that your Visa won't be declined. That's when it happens: She grabs the bill jacket, pulls out a blinding metallic-sheen credit card, and says, "I've got it."
The words hit you like a platinum fist. Your legs go limp, your throat tightens, your spine begins to decompose. You look at your beautiful woman. The soft candlelight has thrown her angelic features into near-sinister shadow. In what some experts call a "moment of clarity," you realize she is more successful than you are.
This is what some other experts call a "paradigm shift."
Success is a particular thing. Like shaved heads, bikinis, and cowboy shirts, it's perfect on some people, unsettling on others. On men, success is an aphrodisiac. It attracts women like sample sales or free martinis. This is a 150-proof cultural truth.
For women, though, success is difficult to carry off. It will certainly repel the weak men of the world. Worn too brazenly, it can send even the strongest hunter in search of smaller game.
Of course, this isn't an absolute. Nothing in love is. I mean, look at Julia Roberts and Danny Whatever-His-Name-Is, and Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles's dad, and now you, the man with the more-successful love. One could consider you fellas exceptions to the rule. You guys could start a club where you sit around in your boxers all day, watch Saved by the Bell reruns, and eat popsicles.
Members of this club don't need their pants, because they ain't wearing them anymore. They have handed the "pants" of the relationship over to the head of the household.
But think about it: Why would women wear pants, anyway? They don't need the pockets. They already have a purse for their wallets, makeup, $20-million movie contracts, and ChapStick.
Discussion
Wow. Sexist much? Haven't we moved past this sort of thinking, that men should feel threatened by women who are successful in their careers? Publishing this sort of story reinforces gender-role stereotypes, and the end advice still implies that a man needs to have cojones to handle a successful woman. Ugh.
I am a widow who was left after 27 years of marrige and along illness ..comfortably well off. I have other women friends who are either widowed or seperated that are in the same situation.
I have always worked part time and lucky me when I want doing what I want whith whom I want.
I have found that when I started dating that this information was something to keep to my self as along as I could .
I Work from home..when i work .But eventuly the clues come out.and evan if a man is finacely doing well above the avergae I have found that it does become a turn off.
If they feel there Biz is'nt doing well suddenly I can tell they are suddenly incomfortable.
I have been with men that like the fact that I am finacialy secure alittle to much some ...younger men who really don't care.
But it is definetly a problem.
I am a women with a strong sence of self and always have been no matter what and I think if a man does too it should not be such an issue.
BUT IT IS .
Yayy there was a second page. Thanks for that. It's not so bad :) Smart men, men who are inspiring, men who are spend alot of time learning, maybe he is a cartpusher or works in retain whatever but can you put a price on inspiration? From experience I will tell you no. Wherever inspiration leads you you have to follow
Yayy there was a second page. Thanks for that. It's not so bad :) Smart men, men who are inspiring, men who are spend alot of time learning, maybe he is a cartpusher or works in retain whatever but can you put a price on inspiration? From experience I will tell you no. Wherever inspiration leads you you have to follow
Oh come on don't say that. I have always had problems with this because guys don't believe me when I tell them I don't care about money. These were special guys that I could respect. THEY care but I just wanted their company.
Do you know how hard it is to find a wonderful guy who is dependable loving supportive who understands you who listens to you and who doesn't cheat? After about 5 years I met such a guy and I am getting good vibes from him. He is confident, strong, masculine a natural leader. I am hoping the attention I am paying him for being wonderful in his own right is enough. I don't think he is american if he were he would have tried to sabotague things by now. Maybe it takes a man who does what he wants to do. Hey I had to go to school for a long time and I am in a good profession. All this time I thought money will never be an issue. I never once thought he is wearing the apron. How insulting that is! How could you think that. Working is a necessity money is a necessity.
I am so disappointed that things are this way but you must realize that love is the most important thing. And if you picked someone for their qualities what does it matter how much they make. There is always time for them to be ambitious later. Some of us want to find the quality guy first and then support him as he achieves his full potential or not. Men are not only good for what they can do or give you they are also good for who they are and what they can offer. Companionship, love and understanding trumps anything else you can offer.
I am a Union Carpenter for 23 years ,49 yrs. with 3 young children . I study Alternative Medicine . TO be honest a woman who likes children or wants to have children with a man who , wants to raise children at home , teach good habits respect love . I hope she can earn more than me, i wecome that . Our children deserve as much.
good article. My man and I have been married for 18 years and for the last 6 years I have had a job where i make more $$ than he does. In fact, he quit a traveling job so I could take this job after I graduated from college. He was gone more than 50% of the time and thats why I went to school, so I could help contruibute to the family income and our children and I could see him more often. It has worked out very well, and in fact while our kids were still at home he actually quit and stayed home doing ALL of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and when I got home there was always a home cooked meal on the table, all i had to do was enjoy it! For the children it was great, and we got to spend a lot of quality family time together. Now our son is 19 and married in the military, our daughter is 16 and we are anticipating the day she graduates and goes to college or into the military herself so we can then enjoy our time alone--with each other that is. We are not just married--we are soul mates, best friends, lovers, we have so much fun together, and money doesnt matter at all. We just love each other. We met when we were 15 and have been so happy ever since that to think money would split us up is just ridiculous.
I think you nailed the bull on the horns...lol...Actually, I loved the message. It means to embrace the "shift" or move on...and if you move on, be prepared to go back to a marginal life. As a successful woman, I would love my man to hang on for the ride and to participate in the relationship in the ways that are only unique to him(the reason i love him the first place)....so fellahs...cut the crap...hang on to your hat...and PARTICIPATE instead of vegetate!!! great article.
I'm in a long term relationship and now I earn much more while he earns much less. We only do inexpensive things that he can pay for. I would prefer to do more and each pay our own way. I see that as a 50% discount for him, but he can't/won't do that. So, "we" either stay stuck in the old lifestyle or I go on without him. This is very sad and probably wouldn't happen if reversed.
First, Let me say this if you're a real man you're always looking for that next opportunity to increase your income if not than your sad. I
Love a Business Minded Woman, someone who
is looking for that next big paycheck. I whole heartly believe that regardless of her salary, The Man should not only be able but should pay all the household Expenses. I don't buy into this compromise that successful women are making today, I'll pay if you stay, I'll pay for SEX, and any other is trick you might be able to pull off, like when you talk about your Big Plans thats going to put you over the top. Let me old-school you for a minute. Women are great, God-bless them all. But don't think for one second that woman look for men that make less then they do I truly believe that they're just to motherly to dump them especially if they're so supportive and caring like one woman stated "If I buy the groceries he should cook". Where's the choice? Guys its just like living with your mother do what she say or else because she can afford to live wherever she want, You can't.
Just remember this if you
More evidence pointing to the obvious: women shouldn't be allowed to work.
um this is a joke right?
next time i get a promotion, i'll turn it down so my "better" half doesn't get jealous. let me dumb myself down and learn to do something i hate like cooking even though i love to read books and he loves to cook. suggested gender roles are not fixed positions. this is so silly.
Relationships where the woman earns more just don't work. They have a much higher rate of failure.
The thing is if you got a job then you got a woman. If you lose that job then you in big trouble because there is no romance without finance.
I just wanted to say that I really TRUELY appreciate this article AND all the comments attached. I'm still young and I haven't really had this problem before, but when the subject does come up, I think I'll be ready to deal with it. Since I know I'll be a successful woman someday, anyway. ^_~
I have mixed emotions about this article and certainly this subject. I am very happily married for 6 years to a blue collar worker who makes less than half annually than I do. We are lovers, soulmates and most of all, friends. Money does not cause any problems. We each contribute an equal amount to household expenses, like mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. That money goes into a "household account" that we use to pay those bills. I buy the groceries, he buys what we need to maintain our home, like paint and gardening supplies, just to name a couple. We did not "decide" this, it just came out that way! If one of us runs short, the other steps up to the plate. It is so NOT about money. He brags to his friends that I have a great job. He has a job that he likes and that makes him happy, when he's happy, I'm happy. If he wants to go sit in the neighborhood bar and have a beer, I'm right there with him. If my job requires me to entertain customers at dinner, he's in his coat and tie and ready for that too. Maybe our secret is that I don't think of myself as more SUCCESSFUL than he is and he doesn't think of me that way either. Our Success lies in having a relationship that really works. Anonymous
I have been, and am dating a man that does earn less than I earn. What he earns in a year, is what I make and spend in a month. However, we don't let that get in the way of our relationship. No matter where we decide to go, he always picks up the tab, with a happy smile on his face. At the very beginning of our relationship, I had questioned him about that, and yes, we discussed it, and I found that he wouldn't care, I could make more than him, less than him, or nothing at all, but he would at best provide me with everything that my heart desires. We do not let our salaries get in the way of our relationship.
I think this article was pretty superficial; stating the obvious that the number of successful women is increasing, rather than advising couples how to deal with it. I have dated men that make less than me (or have less disposable income for one reason or another) and I am not making an extraordinary amt of money. The worst thing a man can do is get comfortable "leaching" off a woman. If she pays for more, he'd sure better help out around the house and make extra effort to be creative in the romance department (example: she buys groceries and he cooks dinner). If he just relies on her for everything, she will have no respect for him. If it really bothers the man to be with a women who's more successful, he should move on. Sometimes the ego is just too fragile.
I make more money than my man. I will be nowhere without him. He does things money cant buy. He relieves alot of stress- dealing wit the boys; cleaning; SEX; back massages; going out of his way to please me- which is a job in itself.
The problem is not who makes the most money, it's whether or not the couple can afford their life style. Can they make their mortgage payments and their car payments. The spending has to be in line with the income.
The fact that I make more money than my honey does NOT emasculate him. When he first realized that I make considerably more than he does, his traditional ideas were a little shaken. Bt once he thought about the basis for our relationship--similar views of the world, strong compatibility, complementary personalities, mutual respect--the economics just weren't important. Neither of us makes a big deal about the salary difference. I don't consider myself smarter, or more successful, or better than he is. Because I'm not. I just happen to get paid more for what I do than he gets paid for what he does. If you can't look beyond the money, you don't have much.
I loved a woman that was more financially successful than I was. I made up for it by creating the little things in her life that money could not buy. She said she was in love with my "rich" spirit....
She ran off with her boss..... I need to make more money!
I dated a less well off man, and enjoyed being the more affluent for a while. The one thing I missed was going out on a date that he created. Even if it was just to get a pizza or a drive to a lookout point, anything would have been heavenly - it doesn't have to cost money, just being thoughtful is the point. Remember - successful women still want romance too.
