Quizzes are fun, but what do they really tell you? This one reveals the dangers to which many of us subject our primary love relationships—and the denial that goes with the territory. It was created by Pat Love, the noted sex and relationship expert and co-author of Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love.
Take it together or separately. Dare to discuss. And read what Pat has learned from the couples she's seen.
Pat, How did you create this quiz? I developed it from research and clinical observation over 25 years of couples work. Building on Salvador Minuchin's model of structural family therapy, which delineated subgroups within the family (e.g., spousal, parental, sibling), I assigned roles, rules, and functions to each of the subgroups. The spousal unit consists of two adults meeting their adult needs, both physical and emotional.
How do you use it? The purpose is to get individuals to identify for each other the expectations of the contract of the relationship. It's easy to assume that your partner has the same expectations as you. The quiz has a high "squirm factor," meaning that I might think it's OK to have private, ongoing conversations with an attractive guy, but I sure don't want my partner doing the same with an attractive woman. The quiz can raise "red flags." 3 Mistakes Women Make When They Suspect Cheating
It also has a way of breaking through denial. I worked with a couple in which the man had a "friendship" with another woman that felt threatening to his partner. She had a difficult time getting him to understand how a non-sexual relationship could be a threat, and it was only when he reacted so strongly to the idea of moving away from the friendship that he realized how very attached he'd become to the other woman.
A primary love relationship is about being lovers, best friends, confidants, and financial and social partners. Sharing these roles with a third person drains the energy and dilutes the intimacy of that primary bond.
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