Is Having Sex With Your Ex OK?
Can being being physically intimate with an ex hold you back from moving on?
Want advice on sex, love, dating and relationships? Ask an expert with personal experience, or in this case, two experts. Cathi Hanauer is the author, most recently, of Sweet Ruin, a novel about love, marriage, and adultery. Daniel Jones is the editor of both the "Modern Love" column for The New York Times, and Modern Love, an anthology derived from the column. They have been married for 15 years. Together they provide a his and hers take on your questions. This round: ex sex.
Question: I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but he’s still hoping we’ll end up together. Neither of us is dating anyone new, so we still have "ex-sex" occasionally. He insists he can handle it emotionally, but is it wrong to continue when I have no intention of getting back together with him? –Sasha, 29
Her Take: In general, I see nothing wrong with temporary ex-sex, as long as 1) it's still fun and not too depressing; 2) you're not doing it so often that it keeps either of you from meeting someone else; and 3) you're absolutely honest and forthright about exactly what this is (which is, basically, using each other until someone better comes along). Personally, though, I'd do it only if I was the dumper, not the dumpee. First, I'm not a big fan of being used. And also, there's no way I wouldn't hold out hope every time we dimmed the lights that this would be the time I’d change his mind: he’d realize how amazing I am, confess that he can't live without me, and come crawling back. Then, when this didn't happen—when, in fact, he cut me off cold because someone more promising came along—I'd be doubly pissed at him for having used me (even if, yes, he told me he was doing it at the time).
Here’s the thing, though: I don't think a break-up necessarily has to be done in one fell swoop. If it takes a few weeks or a month, and you feel that hooking up occasionally during that time wouldn’t be a terrible thing for either of you—then I promise to cover my eyes and not judge you. You wouldn't be so much postponing the pain (or purely using him) as simply letting him down slowly.
His Take: It’s wrong. Please stop. Now.
Why? A little story: a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), a woman I'd been dating for four glorious months broke up with me. I know—I couldn't believe it either. But her old boyfriend was moving to town (she'd moved away from him for grad school but they'd never officially broken up), and now he and all their history had to be dealt with, which she suggested could take a very long time and meant, essentially, that I needed to pack my relationship bags and move on.
Discussion
Sex with ex? A friend of mine told me that having sex with your ex resembles to finishing a sandwich you made a week ago, ate a part of it then left it on a kitchen where someone else found it and took a bite and left the rest. So, sex with your ex is a bad idea, however you slice it... So, I firmly decided, if I ever feel lonely I'd better have some fun sexploration with sex toys
I would not have sex with my ex. I have been there it did not work out.Who does not want to get a job and be a man; and help him self. I was tied of doing everything all these years.like a fool.
Ex Sex is bad!!!! Did it for 6 months after we broke up.. I was the Dumpee!!! Never ever again.. We couldn't move on at all. Finally said goodbye and thats it!!
Sex with an ex can be great for what it is. It can be a relief after a date when tactically you did not want sex with them right away. The big problem is getting out and playing the field. If you are not then it holds you back from establishing new friends. For many who are also going through a financial pinch ex sex is a godsend. However,one must get those rusty skills working and seek out new partners and "date"/sex around getting your skills back. The timid or shy or isolated have a harder road to walk. Finding lovers can be difficult and getting a good apartment challenging.
Sex with my ex? Yes, I have done it. It depends on the relationship you had and the reason for not desiring to stay together. We were together for 3 years and there were situations that together we knew we could never get worked out - so the break-up was mutually agreed upon. There is no animosity between us, so at times we got together when the need arose, but there comes a time when you just have to stop and totally move on whether you've met somone new or not.
I have had sex with my ex-K.W. lots of times in the last three year's.
We know its only ex-sex,but we enjoy it so much we can't stop..
He does have a new person in his life,that he spins most of his time with her but he tells me it's only for right now not for ever,she isn't the one that makes him crazy enough to stay with just one women . So do I understand its only the sex that works for us. But we love great food & dancing an going on short trips together as just ex's. I will always love him forever but not as a forever love.. We are the best friends a ex could have,we talk about our other dates & good & bad they are for us.
So yes it's ok to have ex-sex as much as you can have,with fun & happiness.
Brenda....
johnnie: is the question you're asking "am I an idiot for even thinking of being involved with this woman in any way?" Because the answer is yes.
oh an addition. she calls, texts, is all of a sudden very interested in my sex life, i was preoccupied with my father most of last year since he was very ill and died in november. .
she is divorced, mother, insecure, has a hateful relationship with x-husband, and very bitter about marraige, fidelity and was highly upset when we broke up
A question for women. I broke up with my x-girlfriend last year. We had an abortion. I walked away and did not speak for about 4 months. She tried to call, cry and confessed she kissed a guy in one drunken night from work, was completely faithful, we were meant to be together and so on. I couldn't do it. But I moved to the suburbs, and eventually we had sex. She had had a fling with the same co-worker and told me it was over. Lie. I couldnt get myself to commit again, so we had on-off sex for next several months, bi-monthly. she called in january saying we were soulmates etc, she'd want a kid with me etc. i said no. she told me she hooked up with a guy in a bar, went on a long trip came back, she confessed the guy from work,married fellow, was still going on, her options were limited, she has a daughter and so on.
What should I do ?
Don't do it. I just, finally, let go of a relationship. First I broke uop, he didn't want to. Then he broke up, I didn't want to. He would call me and ask me to come back and talk. I always did. It always led to sex. I would call him and we would talk, it always lef to the "ex" sex. I couldn't let go and neither would he. But it wasn't good for either of us. How can you down-shift? How can you tirn off all the emotions? You can't. If you can, then the emotions weren't real to begin with.
He's right, don't do it unless you just think it's ok to use each other. Both parties will end up getting hurt. In my case (I was the jilter), wanting to be only with me sure didn't stop him from sleeping with someone else. It was a great day when she called to let me know the truth about that liar...I was free at last!!
The ultimate should or shouldn't question... To be honest, I do it, I'm doing it right now!! I feel bad because I dont know if we will ever get back together, we've broken up more than 5 times in the last 4yrs and somehow we still hook up, and I keep braking it up so on so on.,.. Now its cool 'cause if she finds someone else I will be hurt.. alot! If I tell her I found someone esle I dont know how shes gonna react or how I'm gonna know wether that new relationship would work out and if it doesnt then you still have somethin to fall back on right?? Naw, that sounds awful, this reader/writer just had a brakethrough folks! Its a no win situation... Someone is gonna get hurt, wether its me, or her or the next guy/girl that falls for us then finds out bout us... I think I will put a stop to the ex-sex starting today. Or should I say tomm. because we had an intimite moment earlier (it was a sober one, whick really is something new for us). Great Topid though!!!
"Ex..." means "Ex..."
Either it is over or it isn't; grow-up, make a decision, and stick to it. To do otherwise is emotionally self-destructive, dangerous, and immature.
