Are You The “Single Friend”?
A single woman reflects on how her life has changed now that all her friends are married.
Somewhere back there, I was left behind. It happened at my book club. When the group started, we were seven women who craved cheap wine more than Jhumpa Lahiri's The Namesake.
The text was just an excuse to air our grievances: My mom and I are fighting; my boss hates me and I hate her; the new dog is too big for the old apartment; I ran into my ex; you'll never believe what happened last night.
We drained our glasses and edited each other's problems. Everything seemed more manageable with corrections. When it came time for Allison* to vent, the responses were different. She was married, her life doubled.
She might as well have been sending a postcard from a foreign land. The journey was difficult but I've finally arrived. Determined to conquer the language barrier. Kisses! We had to squint to decipher her handwriting.
So when, within six months, four members of my book club got engaged, I was confused. I mean, I knew what to say. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!
But all I could think was: I thought we had a deal. It wasn't that I objected to the journey, but I hadn't packed yet. I am 25. I travel light. Were we really doing this?
We were. Gift bags. Registry. Hospitality suite. Groom's cake. Morning jacket. Just like that, Book Club became Marriage Club. I didn't think it bothered me. I'd been in love with love since my sister and I designed Barbie and Ken's perfect date. (A picnic on the Dream House lawn.)
I had opinions about save the dates and whether or not it's rude to give dating guests a plus one and single guests a plus-you-get-to-be-drunk-alone. I worked at a magazine about relationships. I talked about couples for a living. So I was fine. Obviously. Naturally. Of course.
But everyone has a limit. The third time Allison told us that her rabbi missed her rehearsal dinner, I swallowed a yawn and indulged in some daydreaming. I was about to begin that perennial favorite, "Would those shoes match that bag?" when I looked around. Watch: Love Advice From A Rabbi
My friends were riveted and I was, well, bored. I was missing the bridal gene. Lily was on the edge of her loveseat. I stared at her. As the only other single girl in the club, we'd become partners in subversion. We placed bets on who would get engaged first. We tried on their rings.
"It looks better on you," I mouthed. She winked. But underneath it all, Lily was sensitive. She was Southern and 27, which, with the drawl, sounds a lot like "past her prime." (South of the Mason-Dixon Line, old maids are alive and well: they read Us Weekly by the pool and smear suntan lotion around their bellybutton rings.)
When it was Lily's turn to host, she took one look at her tiny apartment and borrowed Allison's for the evening. Opening Cooking Light, and the majority of Allison's wedding gifts, she whipped up a storm. Arugula salad. Hot crab dip. Salmon pasta.
Discussion
In my hometown, pretty much everyone gets married around the end of high school - second year of university age, and as a result of moving overseas (escaping!) I am still single. Even my baby sister is getting married, and I have had no end of emails/phone calls from concerned citizens wanting to know why I am hiding from my civic duty. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.
I am 30 and am the only single one in my group. Nothing worse than getting advice from my married friends, they just try to boost your ego or complain about their lives. Seriously, you are going to complain to me about your life of coming home to a husband and kids when I come home to no one?? Trust me, I love my friends and freedom, just not all the time. I just don't want to hear it and it only gets worse and I get older. Thank you for this article. A really good book to read is Better Single Than Sorry by Jen Schefft(sp). I could read it over and over.
I am the last lone chick standing. All my friends are different combinations of married, married with kids, engage, etc. They are all paired off. Then their is me...the preverbal third wheel. I feel like the freak show at dinner parties. Chiming in when I can but it's mostly couple speak.
If you ever feel the same way check out my blog and join the plight of the last single chick looking for love. http://thelastsinglechick.blogspot.com/
I don't think the problem is that you are the only single person among a bunch of women getting married - but that your soon-to-be-married friends sound like pretentious, self-involved jerks. Married or not married, showing basic interest in the lives of your friends is considered basic etiquette. If I were you I'd be looking elsewhere for social entertainment. Unless the problem here is that you secretly wish you could be one of those nattering, shrill voices for tulle consumption too?
Yes, this year is like a cascade of weddings- one after another. At 28 Im not only single, Im not really interested in getting married, I need to finish my attempt at graduate school.. Seeing all my once single friends, and ex-boyfriends one by one get married.. it makes me feel alittle lonely and left out.. but then I realized like the author, I only have me to take care of for now.. no hubby, no babies, and no in-laws.. and then I sigh a relief to myself.. or it is denial??
Thank you so much for this article! My group of girlfriends all got engaged, one after the other, like it was a trend, and now all except one of them have lost their heads over their weddings and have become so full of themselves. Whenever we all get together (boys included) all they talk about is buying a home and their wedding, and disclude my boyfriend and I. It felt good to read an article with someone else in a similar situation. Thanks!!
I really enjoyed this article. I am 25 and single and dating, and all my friends are getting married this year or have a boyfriend. It is funny how they forget how things used to be. Only me and one of my other friends are single and enjoying life in other means than having to plan a wedding. I do giver support for the weddings, but shopping and thinking of dresses is definetely the thing to do..thanks..i love this article.
I appreciated the article. Thank you for writing it. I am a part of a group where I am one of the last singles standing! It doesn't feel great but this article was just what I needed to keep it all in perspective.
