He Wants Kids, You Don't. Now What?
Advice: I want a family. She doesn't. Do I end the marriage?
Q: I’m 33 and my wife is 32. We’ve been married for five years and have a pretty good life—a nice house, interesting jobs, a great group of friends. Of course, our relationship isn’t perfect (whose is?). But I never had serious doubts about our future until recently, when my wife made it clear that she does not want to have children. She has always been ambivalent on this front, but when we met we were so young that I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family. While I would never force her to have children she doesn’t want, I also don’t know if I can be happy forfeiting my chance to be a father. I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her. But I’m still relatively young. Should I get out while I still have time to start over?
–frustrated father
A: My sense is that you have had many indications along the way that your wife would not ultimately want to have children. Presumably, you have been with her since she was in her late twenties. “Young,” yes, but certainly old enough so that her doubts about starting a family should have been deemed real. You state that you figured she would change. Instead, fantasy has now set reality, which eventually happens when the assumption is that the other person in the relationship will do the changing.
It is important for you to acknowledge that your wife has clear vision on her decision not to have children. You must accept that she is not going to “give in” and that you cannot change her mind. That leaves only one decision, and it is yours to make: Do you stay in your marriage and forego fatherhood, or do you leave the relationship to pursue a new path with the hope and expectation that it involves fatherhood?
First of all, consider what it is about fatherhood that appeals to you. Are there ways to accomplish that without having children of your own? For example, if you have nieces and nephews that live close by, you could strive to be the most involved uncle in the world from infancy on up. Or you could volunteer in a mentoring program for children. Or you could participate in children’s programs through your church, temple, or other organizations. In other words, there may be lots of ways to enjoy children, and to provide them with guidance and love that may be satisfying to you. It is possible that exploring these avenues could meet your fathering needs well enough without actually becoming a father.
If you do choose to stay in the marriage, you must accept your wife’s decision—and this acceptance must be absolute (this may require some outside help). Choosing this option means dropping the subject, bearing no resentment, and placing no blame.
However, if you know this will never be enough for you, or if you cannot give up the urge to change your wife’s mind, staying in your marriage will probably lead to resentment and dissatisfaction for you both. The fact that you have doubts about your future says that you have some serious soul-searching to do. In your letter, you ponder if you will be happy forfeiting your chance to be a father by staying in your marriage. Here’s another way to look at it: You would be forfeiting a known good thing for an unknown chance at parenthood.
Discussion
I'm married to a wonderful man.
I've always said I probably don't want children. He knew this when we got married.
Now, 5 years later, he decided he does want to have children just like you. (changed his mind when his father died).
And we are in the same situation you are in. We love each other, we want to be together.
He wants to become a father desperately. I don't want children of my own but would consider fostering children when I'm older.
He doesn't see a future without children.
Now what?
Granted I can't answer for her, but I dated a woman once who didn't want children of her own but did want to adopt. Her feelings on it were that with so many children orphaned, alone, or put up for adoption that it was selfish of her to bring more children into the world when there are already so many that need a family.
I can relate to only the problem....... I was previously married for 19yrs to a sometimes (not all the time) violent man. I was 22 when I had my first child and 27 with my second. They are now 17 & 12 and i have been separated for 2yrs.. For the past 20months I have been seeing a lovely man 5yrs younger than myself (im 40). Only a month or so into our relationship he asked the question...Would I have anymore children. My def answer was no. And has been a constant No all along...... He had also been married for 11yrs and his wife decided to end it. His wife had always said she would have children but all along really didnt want them... Of cause he feels cheated by this and over the last few months his feelings for his own child has become stronger. Today he has finished the relationship with me as I wont change my mind about having his child..
I am very torn, I love him and in a lot of ways would love to have his child, but I feel resentment also as my view had never changed and he always knew my feelings on this. Ive tried to explain the risks of becoming pregnant at 40 but all he goes on about is he wants someone to carry on his name..Well thats never been an issue for us women has it!!! still dont know what to do...
I don't know why couples don't work this out BEFORE getting married! I have friends that just started dscussing this and they're engaged. I don't get it, when my husband and I got serious about each other we worked it all out, we'll either have one or two. And that's it! That decision was made years ago!
It's both the husband and the wife's fault that this isn't working for them. The husband wanted kids but figured she would change. He's crass to get rid of her for it. But the wife knew that he wanted them and didn't speak up, either! Dumb.
This guy needs to apologize to his wife. He knew right from the beginning that she might never want children -- he should only have married her if he was willing to accept that. Now it's years later, and maybe she's not as OK with the idea of "starting over" as he is. Maybe she thinks she's found someone who loves her for who she is, someone who will be there forever. Now she gets to find out not only that she is disposable, but also that her husband had so little respect for her clearly voiced doubts on parenthood, that he gave himself in married assuming she would change her mind. That's a pretty serious assumption. Next time he should think about premarital counseling, where things like this are nailed down. There is no compromise on having a baby -- you have one or you don't.
