Don't Let Marriage Ruin You: 4 Steps To Stellar Self Worth

Heartbreak, Self

Because you ARE worth it.

Are you allowing your husband to treat you badly because you value the vows and bond of marriage more than you value yourself?

There are many factors that contribute to the reasons we stay in toxic marriages (like religious views, cultural expectations, financial security, feelings of shame around a ‘failed marriage’ and our own beliefs about the vow of marriage itself). But your steadfast beliefs in marriage can negatively affect your self worth leaving you feeling isolated, unloved and blamed.

You might try to modify your behavior to please him, but—let's be real—you're chasing after a moving target. He will never be happy with you despite your attempts to change because the issue resides deep within him. And instead of acknowledging that he is responsible for his feelings, he blames you. My book, Wine, Sex and SuicideMy Near Death Divorce, shows the dangerous effects of allowing someone else's opinion determine your self worth.

Don’t let your commitment to your vow be the death of your self worth. Here are four actionable items to consider:

1. Immediately start working on raising your feelings of self worth. Write down all the qualities about yourself that you value. Dig back to the past, particularly if you currently feel low. What strengths, skills and gifts do you have? Ask those who love and support you to share their thoughts on what makes you valuable and meaningful to them. Start doing something you enjoy, and create time for yourself.

2. Uncouple your ideas of marriage from how you’re being treated. Day One: Write down all your thoughts on what makes a healthy marriage. Day Two: On a separate piece of paper write down how you feel on a day- to-day basis in your marriage and WHY. Day Three: Compare the papers to see if your marriage is in line with your ideals and values on what comprises a good marriage.

3. Invite him to claim his feelings, rather than deflect them onto you. Do this by example, “I feel worthless when you tell me I can’t do anything right.” Pay close attention to his response: is he intersted in how you feel? Or is he continuing to blame you?

4. Hold him accountable to his promise to change his belittling behavior. Have him tell you exactly how he plans to manage his anger. Keep written track of the progress ... or lack of. He may deny that he ever made a promise to change—a written note will assure you you’re not losing your mind, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist.

A habit can change in 30 days. Your assignment is to change your habit of feeling worthless by using affirmations and taking action each day that supports your healthy self esteem. Keep track of his efforts to break his habit of treating you badly. If no measurable changes take place in 30 days, he may not be interested in improving himself or the marriage.

If you’d like help to strenghten your feelings of self-esteem and worthiness, reach out to me with an email at


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