How To Deal With A Narcissist Without Losing Your Mind

By

Breakup: The Secret To Engaging With A Narcissist
Don't get sucked into their "Narcissistic Vortex."

If you are related to, married to or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.

Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning, you hold them to high esteem. They're fully aware of this, of course, and they love to bask in your adulation. But once you catch on to their tactics and question behavior that is the opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their aggressor, expertly blaming you for the relationship's demise and all other misfortunes in their life.

 

You, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point in hopes that the narcissist snaps out of his irrational behavior.

Maybe this time he will understand, you think.

If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can't be THAT close-minded; I'm going to tell him once more.

But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a child, as if you're stupid. And you can't even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make him "get it" — and the more you do that, the more it supports his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.

The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the "Narcissistic Vortex." It's a deep black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you're crazy and unloved — or worse, that you aren't worthy of anyone else's love, so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.

If you are not married and are trying to end a relationship with a narcissist, then my expert advice is to have no contact with him. End the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.

But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term? How do you manage the constant manipulation, even as you try to get on with your life? He might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own self-worth), or criticize you for everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO falsely mistaken, you write him a long email explaining your actions, or you become engaged in a long texting battle.

And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.

You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to him (no matter how negatively), it feeds his narcissistic supply—his false sense of self that he is better than you (or anyone else, for that matter).

So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: does it require a reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during divorce or logistics with the children?

Unfortunately, narcissists can never write an email without making themselves look like a victim/martyr or passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to engaging with a narcissist is to give them little to no response. Reply with "yes" or "no" answers or merely factual replies like, "yes, I am picking kids up at 5 pm today." Ignore all other stabs or attempts at getting a heated reaction from you.

If your narcissist wants to talk with you over the phone about certain matters, let him ask you questions for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation, quite simply say to him, "If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in an email," and then hang up.

You will never change his mind. You will never get him to see your side of things. As long as you attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in his vortex and unable to move on.

 

Learning how to deal with a narcissist can't be accomplished by reading just this one blog. It takes skill, practice, reading books on the subject and perhaps coaching or therapy. Whatever you do, don't try to learn this alone. If you need help with this, shoot me an email at lindsey@lindseyellison.com

More Breakup advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Lindsey Ellison

Divorce Coach

Lindsey Ellison

Start Over. Find Happiness. 

www.lindseyellison.com

Click here to schedule a free consultation!

Location: Annapolis, MD
Credentials: BA, BS
Other Articles/News by Lindsey Ellison:

5 Signs of a Bad Marriage No One Talks About

By

While our culture gets criticized for being too pro-divorce, I'd like to counter that criticism and say we are a culture of over-tolerance. We tolerate bad behavior and bad relationships for far too long. We are rewarded for "sticking it out" and are scolded by our society if we don't. I am often amazed to hear what my clients and readers ... Read more

Breaking Up With Mr. Nice Guy

By

I once dated a really nice guy. He was funny, we had fun together, we had good chemistry – but something was off. It took me a while to pinpoint what it was – but I held on far too long because, really, I had no one else in my life so why end a “good” thing? Has this happened to you, where you are in a relationship with someone but ... Read more

When Bad Sh*t Happens to Good People

By

As of late, the news stories seem grimmer than ever: massacre in Paris, planes crashing in the Indian Ocean, and just recently I read about a 5 year old child being thrown off a bridge by her father in Florida. Sometimes these stories grip me with such pain because I know what it’s like to lose someone dear to me. When I was just 6 year old, my mother ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular