What Can You Do About Toxic Connections With Your Ex?
By Dr. Judith Tutin. Posted on .
As Christopher Columbus said, you can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. It's hard to let go of that shore post-divorce or after any relationship tanks. No matter how bad the relationship was or how much you wanted out, it's still what you've known, possibly for a very, very long time.
These are things people tell me that scream, I want to stay connected to my ex! I humbly offer detoxes for these toxic connections. I say toxic because, when you look closely, you can see how unhealthy they are.
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• I can't stand for him to be with anyone else. If I had a top ten list, this would be at the top. It's tough, but you know it's inevitable that you will both move on to other relationships. Detox. Embrace reality and be grateful. When your ex moves on, in case you were harboring thoughts of reuniting a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away, this tells you it's really over. You can be grateful for that wake up call. It's also good for kids for whom it can close the door on remarriage fantasies. And you know what, you can stand seeing him with someone else and there are probably other reasons to be thankful. Gratitude always trumps jealousy.
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• I want her to still want me. You've finished with someone, probably don't even want them anymore, but you expect them to be waiting in the wings. You still want to be loved, but that ship has sailed. Detox. Know that you will be fine on your own. You don't need your ex to love you to recognize that you're lovable. And if you really think you're not, this is a great time to start figuring out how the next relationship can be better, and what you need to work on personally. It's time to man up, make the changes and find your next sweetheart.
• I hurt, and I want him to hurt too. Do I have to point out that this is just plain mean? Detox. Feeling loving kindness is linked to improved mental and physical health and increased confidence. Part of the meditation involves loving kindness for those toward whom we feel unkind. It's a way of downloading those negative feelings, and allowing them to float out of your head. You will be nicer to be around and you'll probably hurt less.
