9 Lies Men Are Told About Women (That Make Finding Lasting Love Even HARDER)

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9 Lies Men Are Told About Women (That Make Lasting Love HARDER)
Heartbreak, Love

And what to do about it.

It’s the 21st century.

You listen when your sisters and co-workers complain about their boyfriends or husbands. You’ve read John Gray’s work on Mars and Venus. You know all about the 5 love languages. You’re a love master. But, love is still kicking you in the behind.

Why is loving a woman so hard? Maybe you believe one of these 9 lies men are told about women that kill your relationships:

1. We don’t care about sex.

Yes, it’s true that sex drive varies between men and women. And, many women have high sex drives. Sadly, bad or inattentive sex may kill off our desire and our incentive to initiate sex.

We also want sex for different reasons. Sometimes, we just want to feel close to you and orgasm is not our prime motivation.

So, pick a safe, relaxed time and ask the woman you love what she wishes she had more of or less of in the bedroom. Ask her what she loves most about sex with you. Ask her how her needs vary with her mood.

And, yes, women do fantasize. So, ask her about that, too!

RELATED: 9 Sex Positions That Help You Fall In Love (Yes, Really!)

2. We’re not "fine".

This is one of the biggest communication traps between men and women. We say we’re "fine" but we’re not. At worst, we’re stonewalling. At best, we recognize we’re being unreasonable and we shut ourselves down to avoid conflict.

What we need most is some love and a few curious questions to help us open up. You can start a non-threatening conversation just by saying, "I love you and I sense you’re not fine. Can we talk about this?"

And, once we are fine, we’ll want to return the favor.

3. We try to drive you crazy with questions.

Admit it, women drive the men they love crazy with endless questions. It’s an insane dance. When we ask you a million questions, you feel smothered and push us away. You feel like we don’t respect your privacy. In turn, we feel abandoned and rejected.

So, we ask you more questions to try to reconnect. In truth, women ask questions because we crave connection. Both men and women need to own this dynamic.

You can help the women you love — your partner or wife, your mom, your daughter — by finding a way to connect. If you need space, acknowledge it and schedule a time to talk later.

4. We don’t cheat.

Women are behind when it comes to wages, but we’re even-steven when it comes to cheating. A shocking one-third of marriages and one-quarter of relationships are impacted by infidelity.

Women are less likely to cheat in a relationship but we are equally likely to cheat in a marriage. Don’t overlook the signs if you think she’s cheating. Have a conversation. Engage a competent therapist if your relationship has been damaged by infidelity.

Watch YourTango Experts discuss some of the reasons why women cheat on husbands they claim to love.

5. You need to fix our problems.

When men talk about problems, they are often looking for solutions. When women talk about problems, we are often looking for emotional release. We need to vent before we go into problem-solving mode.

You will earn major points with us if you can listen compassionately for a few minutes. And, remember, just like finding happiness, finding solutions to problems is the responsibility of each adult human being.

6. We’ll stop being clingy and possessive once we’re married.

Clinginess and possessiveness come from deep insecurity. That insecurity doesn’t go away with finger bling.

If the woman you love is seriously insecure, consider counseling before moving in together or getting married. She needs to be able to trust you, and herself, if she is going to be a good love partner.

RELATED: If You Do These 7 Things, You're Waaayyyy Too Clingy

7. We’ll lose our spendthrift ways once we’re living together, engaged, or married.

People tend to be spenders or savers. Some of us focus on the present while others focus on the future. Money is the single biggest love killer.

If you and the love of your life don’t see eye-to-eye on how to manage money, consider a few sessions with a financial planner or money coach.

If you can’t agree and you are committed to the relationship, consider setting up clear boundaries for individual and shared accounts as well as a division of assets.

8. You’re responsible for our happiness.

This is a big one. Men are hardwired to want to please the women they love. You tie your sense of power and self-worth to our happiness.

As noble as that may sound, you cannot make anyone happy or unhappy. Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own happiness.

If the woman you love is unhappy, ask her why. Listen, even if it’s hard to hear. Look for ways you can contribute to her happiness. But, don’t own the responsibility. That’s her job, even if she tries to make it your job.

9. Love means sacrifice.

If love feels like a major sacrifice, this may not be the love for you. It doesn’t matter if she’s very beautiful, the sex is great, and your mom loves her.

If you find yourself losing your identity or giving up the things that really matter to you, you are paying too big a price for your relationship. Eventually, it will be destroyed by resentment, emotional withdrawal, or infidelity.

Deep, mature love is not about one person sacrificing at the expense of the other.

These misconceptions can be avoided or addressed by two practices: good communication and self-responsibility. Make time to talk to each other weekly about what really matters. You’ll see that investment of time returned a thousand-fold in happiness and feelings of real love.

Take self-responsibility for your own life and don’t take on responsibility for your partner or spouse. Healthy boundaries are key to lasting love. If you want to learn more, here are four great reads:

  1. The Relationship Cure by John Gottman
  2. Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray
  3. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
  4. The Hard Questions by Susan Piver

Gretchen Martens is an author, speaker, coach, and happiness expert.

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