This is shocking truth on why you don't get second dates.
Women don’t know what they do or don’t do on those first dates that turn men off. From her point of view, these dates go so well! Lots of laughter, easy conversation, good feelings… it all adds up to a second date.
But instead… crickets.
We are living in a time when we all have a phone on us practically 24/7. Immediate feedback loops and responsiveness are the norm. If you don’t call back in a timely manner just for the sake of not calling back, he'll find someone who will. Slow responses indicate to him that you aren’t interested.
Yes, having your own life is important. If you can’t call back because you're busy, that’s great. Men are happy when a woman has her own life. But if you're playing a cat and mouse game, he'll feel that energy. Men know when women are playing them.
Acting aloof to appear like a woman of high value in his eyes works initially. Men enjoy the chase. However, if the game goes on too long, the man will lose interest and seek a woman who is available.
Wouldn’t it be sad if you lost out on someone special due to some silly set of dating rules? It's much better to be responsive and have the opportunity to see who this man is.
You may find that he's not meeting your needs and decide to reject him as your suitor. But that decision is up to you after dating and getting to know him, not because you didn’t return a phone call.
Men want to be with women who are happy and who appreciate what they bring to the table. So, if you want him to call you for a second date, stop doing these 6 behaviors:
1. You change his plans.
If he made the effort to arrange a date or an outing, don't suggest something different. That's so disrespectful.
So many men tell me that women do this all the time. After choosing a special restaurant or what they thought would be a fun event, the woman shoots it down or says "how about we go to X instead?"
At the same time, I hear women say they’re tired of polite men asking, "What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?"
What is more important? Is it more important that you eat that one meal at the restaurant you want? Or is it more important that he feels good that he did it right?
Build up his respectability by allowing him to be successful with you. Follow his plan. He'll be more likely to make another one.
If you were sitting at his dining room table, you probably wouldn’t tell him you didn’t like the salad. Don’t do it now. When you tell him you don’t like something, he feels personally responsible that he didn’t take you to the right place.
Thank him. Focus on what you DO like. Use your other senses. The atmosphere is beautiful. The restaurant smells so good. You love the flowers on your table.
2. You don't give him "strokes."
Actually, all people need strokes, which are units of interpersonal recognition, to survive and thrive.
However, men rarely get them. We think they are ego-maniacs looking for strokes all the time, but it’s because they don't get them as often as women do. We know this because women are more complimentary and physically affectionate with each other than men are.
"Thank you. I really appreciate all that you provided tonight." It’s as easy as that.
Experiment with this on your next few first dates. Pay close attention to how the energy of each date changes as the conversation shifts to your job. The sexual tension will dissipate.
You may think this is sexist. However, biologically, men still have that innate desire to show that he can provide for you. Men, by and large, have to do good to feel good.
Harvard's international, cross-cultural study of over 10,000 people looking at human mating desires, as explained in David Buss's book The Evolution of Desire, found that two-thirds of men mate and marry for sensual and sexual security.
They want to come home to an oasis that looks good and smells good with a woman who is available to them, sexually and emotionally. The other one-third of men want to mate and marry for financial security and social status.
The exact inverse is true for women: two-thirds of women want to mate and marry for financial security and social status. The other one-third want to mate and marry for sensual and sexual security.
Either you want a man to take care of you and your feelings or you want to take care of him and his feelings. If you want the former, give him the space to do his peacock talk. Don’t you do it. Keep the sexual polarity alive.
4. You take over his story.
Don't follow up his story with a story of your own when you did the same thing, only bigger and better. We have a mistaken belief that when we disclose, we are sharing the experience. Women are used to conversational exchange. However, men feel discounted, disregarded and disrespected.
Ask questions about his experience. What did you think about golfing at St. Andrew? What was the worst thing that happened? What was the best? Would you do it again?
He may ping-pong it back and ask you some questions. The important thing is to give him time to reveal his story. He wants to show you who he is.
In other words, if he’s a contender, he’s applying for the job of your husband. Telling stories about himself and what he does are his way of sliding his resume across the table to you, so you may determine if he is a deserving candidate for the role.
5. You don't really listen to him.
Stop multi-tasking when he's talking to you. It's SO disrespectful. Have you ever talked to a man who’s watching TV? Yeah, he’s not hearing you either. It feels rude to you, doesn't it? Well, he’s thinking the same thing when he's talking to you and you're looking over the menu, scanning the restaurant or checking your phone (EXTRA rude!).
By the way, research has shown there is no such thing as multi-tasking. You can do multiple things shifting from one to another really quickly. But you are doing none of them as well as if you were doing them one at a time.
Listen without cutting him off. Do not finish his sentence because you "already know" what he’s going to say. Do not rush to finish his thought for him. UGH!
Do not call in to question every opinion, idea, thought or suggestion he has. You may believe you have a different one that is smarter, better, more effective and efficient. But every time you challenge him, you take him down a notch.
6. You're not on the same page before consummating your relationship.
Whether it’s for one night of fun or for a week of vacation while you’re in Cabo, have an understanding between the two of you that's exactly what it is going in.
You may want to make a commitment that you don’t want to consummate the relationship until you're ready to be socially and sexually monogamous, so you're able to see each other a couple of times a week and are heading towards a long-term relationship or marriage.
Whatever the agreement is, let it be known so that neither of you feel sucker-punched when the other person says, "I never said that's what I wanted."
The neuro-chemical tidal wave that comes with having sexual intercourse is too powerful to not talk ahead of time about your individual expectations. Have the discussion in the sober, light of day.
After reading these, perhaps you may find one or more ideas here that you have been doing or not doing. Or maybe you won’t realize until you go on a few more first dates that you are guilty of cutting off men or talking about your work, because you think that what you do for work is fascinating.
That’s ok. Until now, you didn’t know.
Now you do know. What’s important is what are you going to do next?
Here you have in your back pocket a guideline for future first dates. Be appreciative. Listen. Don't argue unnecessarily. Really, some of these are just common courtesy, no? We seem to have lost that along the way.
Dr. Sharon Cohen is a Relationship & Dating Consultant who specializes in helping her clients achieve positive, long-term change in their relationships and communication. If you are ready to energize your life and kick start your relationships, email Sharon to connect about working together OR signup for her newsletter and learn how to Turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right today!
This article was originally published at Dr. Sharon Cohen's blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.