How To Turn Relationship Failures Into The Kind Of LOVE That Lasts

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Love

12 Q's to ask yourself when you're ready to level-up in love.

Remember the first time you fell in love?

Who were you then? How did you think about being in a relationship?

How did you feel? How did you act?

Are you any different now?


You may say, “I have put my 100% into my relationships, all the time, and they all cheated on me” or, “They are all users, they don’t love me, they just use me and leave” or, “I don’t know why I keep finding the ones who are angry and controller” or, “ I just get bored with them after couple of years”,  or “ They were all great at the beginning but I ruined them and turned them into takers”.  

People usually enter their first real relationships between the ages of 17-23 with intense emotions, need for deep attachment, belonging, and ownership.

At that stage, most people experience intense attachments, intense breakups, being cheated on, remorse about losing the one that they lost, and search for the one and only that is their lasting match.  

Lisa, who I had been seeing as a coaching client, is one of those women who had a very intense experience at a young age. She said the first time she fell in love was at age 15 with a guy in her high school. She got bored and pursued someone else. Her boyfriend was devastated and created a rumor that she was a slut.


She felt ashamed and decided that when she no longer wanted to be in a relationship, she would leave first and then pursue other men vs. replacing him. Her second experience of love was when she was 17 and was looking for bad boys. Well, she got one — he cheated on her.

She was so hurt and decided that she would no longer look for that kind of man.

Her third experience was at age 21. She decided, "I am not going to fall in love until he is fully in love with me." She withheld her love and he left.

In response, she decided, "I will fully love and put my 100% first." So, at age 24, she met a guy and went all in. He was not ready for this much dedication and ran away.


At age 26, she wanted to find her mate for life, so she decided to assess for the right guy so as to make sure that he did not leave. In response, she became a doormat and he used and he abused her.

This time she left and she says, "Now what?"

Every relationship makes us grow and allows us to move into the next phase of our lives  but that can only happen if we let it.

It takes our awareness of how we think, feel, behave, and the impact that it all makes in our lives (and on others) to move us forward to a healthier way of relating.  

 

Allow yourself to explore the following questions about each of your past relationship. These questions are from the Awareness Integration model and can help you gain clarity, healing, and openness.


Remember: Just let the good, bad and the ugly surface.

  1. What did you think of your mate and the relationship?
  2. How did you feel about your mate and the relationship?
  3. How did you behave throughout your relationship?
  4. How did your way of thinking, feeling and behaving effect your relationship?
  5. How do you assume your mate thought about you?
  6. How do you assume your mate felt about you?
  7. How do you assume or observe your mate behave toward you throughout the relationship?
  8. How does your assumption of the way your mate was thinking, feeling and behaving toward you affect your relationship?
  9. How did you think about yourself when you were beside your mate?
  10. How did you feel about yourself when you were beside your mate?
  11. How did you behave toward yourself (nurturing, blaming, scolding) beside your mate?
  12. How did the the ways in which you think, feel and behave toward yourself affects your relationship?

Now, look at if and how much you have changed in each relationship, which skills you have that are workable and should be kept and fostered, and which skills still need to be learned.

Notice how much of these thoughts, expectations, patterns, emotions, and behaviors are a duplicate of your parents’ relationship toward you and each other. Notice how you choose your way of being in a new relationship as a reaction to your parents' relationship and your past relationships.

Once you've put some thought into this, create a vision of a healthy relationship for the future from healthy relationships that are out there.

Write down who you want to be, what you choose to think and value, how you choose to feel and behave, and live it daily in your relationship.

Assess the impact of your thoughts, feelings, and actions on the relationship you're in. See what works or doesn’t. Ask your mate what works and doesn’t work. Set a daily intention of what you can create in your relationship and see by the end of the night if you have created it.

 

Take ownership of who you are in your relationship, and how you create the result of this relationship.

Hopefully, this model helps you to figure out how learning from your past relationship experiences can help you have better experiences in the future. It may take a little effort, and some honest vulnerability, but the work may be well worth it.

Dr. Foojan Zeine is a psychotherapist, Life & Executive Coach, and the Author of “Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want”.

 

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