When Partner's Sex Drive Varies, Masturbation Saves the Day

yell
Contributor
Love, Heartbreak

Boston sex and couples therapist Dr. Aline Zoldbrod shares how to bridge different desire levels.

One problem that sex and couples therapists see all the time is partners who have a difference in sexual desire. It's a common problem, because mens' sexual drive is driven by testosterone and tends to be relatively stable, no matter what stage of relationship they are in, and no matter what other things are going on in their lives.

So while women's sexual drive can wax and wane depending on their life stage (small children are a real killer) or their time of the month, guys who loved sex when you fell in love with them tend to love sex even when the IRS is screaming at them, dreaded Aunt Gertie is going to arrive for a week long visit, or even something very upsetting, like a child getting a more serious illness. This sets the stage for some real resentment in couples, when men feel hurt and get angry or pouty when their sexual needs are not met.

Having some honest talks about incorporating masturbation into a couples' sexual life can be illuminating and often helps get around a very upsetting situation. What typically happens when a couple has a desire discrepancy is that the entire topic gets to be off limits. Often the wife sandbags the topic, and there is no calm discussion, until the husband literally blows his top. Needless to say, that creates so much stress and distress in the wife that the rest of the day or night is ruined.  

When the entire topic of your sex life is ignored and swept under the rug, the high-drive person feels completely ignored and unloved, as if it does not ever cross the other person's mind that they are unhappy. So real resentment and hurt begins to simmer, along with the sexual frustration.

Sometimes discussing incorporating masturbation into your intimate, partnered sex life can be the trick to feeling friendly and like you're on the same team again. The higher drive person, typically the man, feels that at least the lower drive person is acknowledging their frustration and sexual resentment.

Even married couples can be shy about discussing masturbation. It's taboo in our culture. Do you remember when President Clinton (in what was one of his least fine hours) fired Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for talking about how it would be helpful for adolescents to take the lid off their sexual frustration by masturbating? Well, Dr. Elders could not have been more right. 

How would you each feel about incorporating masturbation into your sex life? I'm not talking about when you masturbate solo to porn. I'm talking about
a loving scenario where there is some hugging and kissing, some warm touching, but an agreement that the higher sex person will come to orgasm by themselves, in a warm and loving act that is a compromise between no sex whatsoever and an angry mercy-sex scenario.

So, readers, what do you think?

Read more tips at http://www.SexSmart.com

More sex coach advice from YourTango:

 

Author
Contributor

Explore YourTango