ProConnect

When Partner's Sex Drive Varies, Masturbation Saves the Day

By

When Partner's Sex Drive Varies,  Masturbation Saves the Day
Not in the mood?
Boston sex and couples therapist Dr. Aline Zoldbrod shares how to bridge different desire levels.

One problem that sex and couples therapists see all the time is partners who have a difference in sexual desire. It's a common problem, because mens' sexual drive is driven by testosterone and tends to be relatively stable, no matter what stage of relationship they are in, and no matter what other things are going on in their lives.

So while women's sexual drive can wax and wane depending on their life stage (small children are a real killer) or their time of the month, guys who loved sex when you fell in love with them tend to love sex even when the IRS is screaming at them, dreaded Aunt Gertie is going to arrive for a week long visit, or even something very upsetting, like a child getting a more serious illness. This sets the stage for some real resentment in couples, when men feel hurt and get angry or pouty when their sexual needs are not met.

Having some honest talks about incorporating masturbation into a couples' sexual life can be illuminating and often helps get around a very upsetting situation. What typically happens when a couple has a desire discrepancy is that the entire topic gets to be off limits. Often the wife sandbags the topic, and there is no calm discussion, until the husband literally blows his top. Needless to say, that creates so much stress and distress in the wife that the rest of the day or night is ruined.  

When the entire topic of your sex life is ignored and swept under the rug, the high-drive person feels completely ignored and unloved, as if it does not ever cross the other person's mind that they are unhappy. So real resentment and hurt begins to simmer, along with the sexual frustration.

Sometimes discussing incorporating masturbation into your intimate, partnered sex life can be the trick to feeling friendly and like you're on the same team again. The higher drive person, typically the man, feels that at least the lower drive person is acknowledging their frustration and sexual resentment.

Even married couples can be shy about discussing masturbation. It's taboo in our culture. Do you remember when President Clinton (in what was one of his least fine hours) fired Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for talking about how it would be helpful for adolescents to take the lid off their sexual frustration by masturbating? Well, Dr. Elders could not have been more right. 

How would you each feel about incorporating masturbation into your sex life? I'm not talking about solo masturbating to porn. I'm talking about
a loving scenario where there is some hugging and kissing, some warm touching, but an agreement that the higher sex person will come to orgasm by themselves, in a warm and loving act that is a compromise between no sex whatsoever and an angry mercy-sex scenario.

So, readers, what do you think?

Read more tips at http://www.SexSmart.com

More sex coach advice from YourTango:

 

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Aline Zoldbrod

Sex Therapist

Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D.

Boston based Sex Therapist

Licensed Psychologist and Author

Individual and Couples Counseling

Certified Sex Therapist and Diplomate, American Association of Sex Educators,

    Counselors and Therapists

http://www.SexSmart.com

http://www.BostonSexualAddictionTherapy.com

Location: Boston, MA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Addiction, Couples/Marital Issues, Sexuality
Other Articles/News by Dr. Aline Zoldbrod:

Sex And Sensibility On Valentine's Day: How To Surpass Ideals

By

Are you part of a couple, or a 'developing' couple? Well, with Valentine's Day coming, how do you feel about it? Are you excited? Stressed out? Worried about disappointment or jealousy? Do you get caught up in comparing what your honey got you for Valentine's Day with what your friends' sweeties got them? Or are you hoping for some really ... Read more

Plagued By Disappointing Sex? You Can Enjoy Sex Again!

By

Doing sex therapy in my office near Boston, I often find myself wishing I had a quarter for every time a woman who complains of lack of arousal or low sexual desire, or just plain "not liking sex" tells me about a recent time when she was lying with her partner, knowing that what they were doing to her right then was irritating the heck out of her, ... Read more

After Prostate Cancer Communication is Key to Sexual Success

By

By Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.  AASECT Certified Sex Therapist The words "You have prostate cancer" are a life changing, frightening event for each man affected and for his partner. At first, sexual concerns recede amidst the time and energy consuming tasks of gathering information, having tests, making treatment decisions and perhaps undergoing ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Stressed Mom

The Punishment Illusion 2: Spanking

In a 2012 study it was found that 77% of men and 65% of women agreed with the statement that ...

Guy Checking Out Woman At The Market

6 Tips For Dating If You Travel Too Much

Question: My focus in the last several years has been my education and career. At this ...

Pregnant Belly

What You Should Eat During Pregnancy?

Pregnancy is probably the most beautiful and exciting moment for any woman. The wait for the ...

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS