Can you really decide to sleep with someone before you've ever met in person?
I get this e-mail all the time, yet I seem to always be writing posts about it that no one seems to be reading. Time to let go and clarify this one last time!
Recently I got an e-mail that said:
I've been chatting with this guy online for three months.
He's finally going to come and visit me.
Should we sleep in separate rooms? Shall I have sex with him?
I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.
This is what I have to say, Lucy.
That, to me, is like many dates. Hopefully you've gotten a lot of pictures of him. You send him pictures of you. Hopefully all pictures were current, because if you don't look exactly like your pictures, then neither one of you is going to sleep with anybody except yourselves.
That's one thing I want to warn all of you about. A lot of you have these online long-distance relationships that go on and on and on, but the only way these relationships will ever turn into something is if you represent yourselves exactly as you really look!
What's this mean? Every picture you send is a picture you took today. Every picture he sends is a picture he took today. You don't want to find out that he's 40 pounds heavier and bald, even though he had a full head of hair and looks like a young Marlon Brando in the picture, and you don't want to be sending him pictures of yourself when you were skinny when now you're 200 pounds overweight. Maybe I'm exaggerating here, but you get my drift.
The thing is, when you first meet someone you've been chatting with online, the first thing he's going to do as a male is look at you up and down and say to himself, "Thank God man, she looks like her pictures." If you don't look like your picture, then we're going to retreat. Men are very visual.
The best way to get to a man is to appeal to his visual sense. So if he feels like he's been deceived, he's not going to want to sleep in any room with you. As a matter of fact, he might put you in the bunk bed by his brother. Or he might put you in the closet. I know I'm getting a little extreme here, but it's true!
The problem is a lot of women are out of touch with their sexy side. I don't know how it happened, but what a lot of women do is send their three best pictures over and over again, when in reality, you should be on Skype with these guys long distance. Standing there naked, literally stripping for them (if you want to go that route and have a little bit of Skype fun), showing them your entire body, who you are, what you look like, sending them pictures every single day in order to flirt. Because then the long distance relationship will turn into a fun relationship because when they finally see you, they're super, super excited because they've seen all of you.
When you have sex with him is not up to me at all. That's up to you! That's up to your intuition. Your gut. And nobody can tell you to sleep with him, because you can't make the decision ahead of time. When you finally do meet him, you might feel just that friendship vibe with him and you might end up meeting a really great friend, somebody who you like for a long time. You never know until you're someone's friend what you're going to feel and what you desire, and what you want. There is no way in the world you can make that decision until he gets there, until you're in the same room together and you feel the sexual energy—or you don't.
Here's the deal. You can't make a decision before somebody comes if you're going to sleep with them. Because when you meet them, you might just get a friend vibe. You may not realize that when you are flirting online!
And that's what it comes down to. When you meet somebody for the very first time, it doesn't matter how much you've talked to them online or via Skype. Feeling somebody's energy in person, that's how you make a decision if you're ready to sleep with them or not.
You might end up being great friends with this person. You may not even like them in person.
So you're getting too far ahead. All you need to do when it comes down to something like this is to remain present. Remain present, so you're finally meeting somebody after three months of flirting. And the rest will take care of itself.
If you want to have sex, go for it. If you want to just be friends, go for it. If you don't like them after a day, kick them out. Just be honest and authentic with yourself and see what happens!