With new TV shows like Bravo's Southern Charm and Online Dating Rituals of the American Male, it sure looks like most men are players — and proud to admit it. They boldly look into the camera and say how they aren't ready to commit, like to play around and have a revolving door in front of the bedroom!
What confuses me, as a dating coach for women, is this: After these men reveal their player lifestyle, why do women still bother with them? While it's true that not all gals want a serious relationship, over the last 12 years, most of the single women I've met and coached sure yearn for that kind of lasting love.
So, the idea of the fabulous single women on these TV shows going after the player guys makes me curious about what they are thinking?
• Do single women have a soft spot for players and their remarkable charm?
• Do single women feel driven to convert a player into a committed man?
• Are bad boys the big winners only on TV or in real life too?
A Soft Spot for Players
Okay, let's be honest, charm goes a very long way. Who doesn't want to be swept off her feet by a romantic man who seems smitten with her? I admit that is pretty hard to resist. But if you've ever been caught off guard by a player, you know what it’s like to be swept off your feet and dumped on your butt. Usually it's a one-two punch:
1. You're caught up in a whirlwind romance that feels outrageously blissful and exciting beyond compare.
2. You’re crushed when he suddenly disappears and on to his next conquest.
For the women I coach who are hopeless romantics, I recommend they have a "Wait and See" attitude to prevent them from getting prematurely attached. I explain it takes time for any man to prove himself as "The One". Consistency over time and a strong alignment between what he promises and what he does is key. In all the excitement, staying neutral is challenging, but a smart dating strategy when a charming man is knocking at your door.
The Dream of Converting a Player
Some women love a project and have an overwhelming urge to fix men. You may think you are the one woman who can convert a player to the committed man you long for. So, let me ask you the question often posed by Dr. Phil, "How's that working for you?"
My bet is if you've tried this social experiment, you have not yet succeeded and you probably never will. A player loves the chase and the conquest, but not the stuff a loving, lasting romance is made of. Staying in touch and getting to know you deeply are not his strong points. Instead, he is all about the rush of excitement and the thrill of being so adored by you. Once he's won you over, things cool and he's gone.
Let me tell you straight, you are not going to convert a player no matter how amazing you are. This is not because you aren't good enough, but because that is not what he wants! You cannot fix or cure a man. Instead, find a good man who is seeking the same type of relationship you are.
Bad Boys Are the Big Winners
Many of my dating coaching clients come to me complaining how they never meet any men who are interesting. What I've discovered over 12 years is that this is actually code for "bad boys" — men who are aloof, mysterious, hard to get, uncommunicative and inconsistent. All of that creates a lot of romantic excitement. You never know when you’ll see him or what he’ll do next. And if you fight a lot, you might have hot makeup sex.
This could be fun for a while, but it will get really tiresome and emotionally draining should it last for any length of time. Yet, women fall for bad boys all the time and let the good guys finish last.
If you want a lasting, loving, healthy relationship, you will never find that with an interesting bad boy. He might be fun and exciting, but he can't provide what you want as a life partner since he's not interested in that outcome. Keep Reading ...
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