How many dates does it take to find "The One"?
So many singles complain about how hard it is to find love. As a dating coach for women for 12 years and a woman who was still single at 40, I know this is true. I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet the man I married, but I met a lot more men just to find the 30 guys. Needless to say, I've walked in your shoes and have plenty of empathy.
On the other hand, let's be realistic. What goals in life are easy? Landing a new job? Buying a home? Losing weight? Running a marathon? Nope, none of these goals can be achieved without serious effort. So the truth is, finding love is the same; it's a goal that requires effort and perseverance to see it through.
However, and this is big, finding love doesn't have to be as hard as you think. There are definitely at least seven simple steps to make dating easier, less stressful and more fun. I followed these steps myself and many of my clients have successfully done the same. These seven steps are game changers for singles who are serious about connecting with the right romantic partner.
- Dating is a numbers game, so meet lots of people. I can’t tell you how many women come to me for dating advice and tell me about three guys who didn't work out. Three men really? That is not even the tip of the iceberg! You will need to meet lots of men to find the right one for you. By lots I mean maybe 50. You might get lucky after meeting 30 men as I did or even fewer. Or you might be like others who have dated upwards of 80.
If you know up front that dating is a numbers game and part of the process you won't be as disappointed by any one man. You'll know that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you and accept that this is what is needed to find love.
- Get over being in a hurry. Love cannot be rushed. Are you in a hurry to find love? Do you think because you are older, somehow there is a time limit on finding love? This is absolutely not true. You can find love at any age when you make the effort. Whether you are 40, 50, 60 or 70+, rushing the process will not help you find love faster.
How can you tell if you are rushing? One of the biggest dating mistake women make is trying to get all the facts about a guy on the first date. Trouble is, your detective work is not fun for him and feels more like interrogation versus conversation. Of course you want to know why he got divorced or hasn't been married yet. But this is not good first date chit chat and will likely make him feel uncomfortable. So, if you've been having trouble getting a second date, now you might know why.
What should you talk about? Focus on having a good conversation about your passions and hobbies and what you want from life. You'll get to the facts over 3 to 4 dates. This is not wasting time! You are taking a healthier, more open approach to getting to know a man to discover if he is right for you. You'll learn a lot more and gather better information when you slow down and stop grilling men.
- Relax and be yourself in order to appear more confident and attractive. I always recommend that my dating coaching clients learn to relax on a date and be themselves. But you do want to be your very best self. Let him see how wonderful you are and why you are a great catch. That means talking about your life and experiences in a positive way, which will help you exude dating confidence and be more attractive
Think about dating like a job interview. If you were looking for a job, would you trash your current boss or company? No you would not. So don't trash your ex or even talk about him if you can help it. Don't talk about how hard dating is or how men lie, etc. Share what you are passionate about and what you enjoy in your life. This helps him see how you could fit nicely into his life.
Remember, it's not just you deciding about him — he's also wondering if you would make a good partner. So, be a good listener as well. Help the men you meet feel comfortable around you. That's what relaxing and being your self is all about.
Sometimes women feel they need to be someone else to appeal to a man, but that's a hard act to keep up. I had a dating coaching client named Barbara who told me she had problems in all her relationships around the six month mark. When I asked why, she told me straight out, "I just can't keep up my 'nice act' any longer and want to be myself again." That's why my dating advice is to be yourself from the start and you'll have nothing to keep up.
- Stop judging every guy as if he is "the one." Learn to take the pressure off. If you are going to follow step #1: "Meet lots of men," then you can see why you'll need to let go of judging every man as if he could be the one. This puts way too much pressure on the first meeting. Rather than evaluating each guy against your wish list, relax and get to know the guys.
Men can be nervous when meeting you. The first date is not always the best time to judge a guy accurately. Get a second date and see how he acts then. Men know women can be harsh judges, so if you go on a second date, they often relax and have the opportunity to shine. I've had many clients tell me how pleasantly surprised they were by a man on a second or third date!
More dating tips on YourTango:
- 5 Dating Tips For Finding The One
- 8 Modern Dating Rules Every Single Should Know
- 25 Date Night Ideas That Aren't Cheesy