Thinking that the guy you're dating might be ‘the one?” Considering taking the next step? Already given the “Yes, I’ll marry you” and planning for the day you say, “I Do”? Dating, co-habitating or engaged, you owe it to yourself to make sure you really know the guy sleeping next to you, beyond his persona, portfolio and past. The problem is that almost every woman thinks she knows her guy inside and out, but in reality, she doesn't have a clue. Sure, you’ve asked the basic questions, and while you may know him better than anyone else, do you really know what he’s thinking, feeling and expecting, or are you just assuming?
DON’T ASSUME. ASK.
Mind reading is a dangerous sport, one guaranteed to create a very unhappy relationship, but we do it all the time. Why? Because it feels safer and more comfortable. Because we’re afraid to put ourselves out there and ask the vulnerable questions that would actually create the connection we really want.
We tell ourselves lies like, “Men don’t really have deep conversations” or “It’s okay that he doesn't share his emotions because he is a guy.” That is crazy talk! Why would you want to date, live with or marry a person who wasn't willing to share his feelings, thoughts, fears and dreams with you? Being able to really see the person you love and vice versa is one of the best parts of being in a romantic relationship. So do yourself a favor, give up the sport of mind reading, and start the adventure of getting curious about who this guy really is at his core. Here are three very revealing questions to get you going:
3 Questions You Gotta Ask Your Guy
1. What are your intentions for your life? You want to know what kind of life he really wants for himself. What are his dreams, motivations, and must-haves for himself, regardless of you? When you know what he wants for his life you can honestly determine if he’s a partner who will compliment yours.
2. What is your commitment to yourself? Intentions are one thing, but commitments are a whole new level. You can intend to do something, but if you’re not committed, it ain’t gonna happen. You want to know what this guy is committed to for himself, in his life, regardless of his relationship to you. He has to be committed to himself before he can ever be a good partner.
3. Why are you in this relationship and what do you want out of it? We have relationships because they make our lives and our selves better, so know what that means for him. Also, know what his expectations are of the relationship and of you. Unmet and unexpressed expectations lead to heartbreak, which is totally avoidable when you know each other’s expectations.
HOW TO GET CURIOUS
How you ask the questions is as important as what you ask, so make sure you apply these three rules on how to get curious:
Rule #1: Talk with each other, as in connect not as in have ‘the conversation.’ If you try to have some big conversation where you come at your guy like a police officer conducting an inquisition, he will shut down. And could you blame him? No one likes to be put on the spot or have questions pummeled at them. Instead, it’s your job to embody the energy of curiosity, thinking to yourself, “I really want to know this guy, regardless of his relationship to me. I am really curious about what’s going on inside of him that I may not even know.”
Rule #2: Be patient. If you’ve never asked these kinds of questions before, be gentle with the guy and give him some space. This may be new territory for him, but that doesn’t mean he’s not capable. If he struggles, do a little show and tell and share your answers to the same questions.
Rule #3. Observe his behavior and be honest about his reaction. If he makes an attempt but isn’t quite perfect, that’s a good sign. Relationships are about helping each other build intimacy and over time these kinds of conversations will just become part of your relationship. If he flat out refuses to answer the questions, then you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to be with a guy who refuses to be emotionally intimate with me?” If you love yourself, the answer will be “No.”
Christine Arylo is an inspirational catalyst and the leading self-love expert for women. Coach, speaker and teacher, she is the author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman’s Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com, and a regularly featured expert on ABC-TV, FOX-TV and syndicated radio shows across the country.