Remember all the good times you had, the special way you greeted each other? You close your eyes and can almost feel him next to you. Former spouses or love partners can become larger than life. We tend to remember only the good and put him or her a pedestal. No mere mortal could ever live up to those standards so we hold on to the past. You may dream that one day you will open the door and your former lover will be standing there pledging his undying love to you. Or your spouse may have died and you struggle with a feeling that you would betray your spouse if you were to fall in love again. We may have made a promise consciously or unconsciously long ago to another that keeps us from letting go.
1. Letting Go Acknowlegdges Lost Dreams
Letting go is acknowledging the loss of many dreams including growing old together or having children and grandchildren together. Letting go requires us to face reality, to see both our ex and ourselves as we really are, our flaws, our imperfections, and our humanity. For many this is just too painful. We are stuck in our grief and the loss of the future we had planned.
2. Rebound Relationships
Rebound relationships can be particularly hard to let go of. You met at a time when you were particularly vulnerable and somehow gave much of the job of your healing to your partner. When the rebound relationship fails you feel devastated. Sometimes rebound relationships work, but most often they do not.
3. Take Responsibility For Our Own Healing
We often give the responsibility for our healing to a former spouse, our rebound relationship or another love partner. We may not be able to let go because it's scary. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being lonely. Fear of not being able to take care of ourselves. Fear of never being loved again. Fear keeps us from moving on. Letting go requires facing these fears and taking charge of your own life. We also stay connected with our ex through anger, yelling, and blame. We keep going back to court. We deplete our energy by trying to get even, and then instead of feeling better we feel even worse. Or we are angry at God that death cheated us out of the only one that we have loved and who has loved us.
4. Focus On Other Areas Of Your Life
It is easier to let go if you work on other areas of your life. Do you have a good group of friends? Is your career going well? Do you have interests and hobbies that you enjoy? Do you take good care of yourself? Or do you invest your energy in the dead relationship instead of in yourself and in your future? Accept that you and your former lover partner will not get back together.
5. Take Time To Date You
After a break up is a great time to get to know yourself. Take time to treat yourself special. This is a great time for extra self care. Treat yourself as if you are the most important person in your life. Imagine that you are dating the most important person in your life. Take time to date yourself. Plan a date once a week to do something special just for you.
Letting go is hard to do, but healing your heart is worth the effort. Have faith in yourself. You possess everything you need for your own healing. If you feel stuck or that you will never get over this relationship, then talk with friends or see a therapist. Discover what is keeping you from letting go, moving on and being able to create the love and relationships you want. It is possible to let go and move on, and life can be even better on that other side. It can be safe to open your heart and love again. You cannot truly love again until you have let go. Not only can it be safe, but it can be more rewarding than you can even imagine. It is a risk to open your heart again, but the rewards are well worth it.
If you'd like coaching on letting go and moing on, contact Amelia Barnes for a complimentary coaching session at 317.688.7278 or Amelia@InnerOutcomes.com
More about how to move on from YourTango: