These 3 Things Will STOP Jealousy From Killing The Love Between You

Photo: weheartit

Face it ... we ALL battle the 'green-eyed monster' once in awhile.

Jealousy is no fun! It can cause a great deal of trouble and disconnection in your love, relationship, or marriage.  

When you're worried that your partner is going to leave you for someone else, jealousy flares up. And from that jealous place, you say or do things you normally wouldn't. You argue, disagree, and fight with your partner, pushing the two of you further apart. And then, you usually regret it. 

But most relationship scenarios that trigger jealousy and tangled up emotions do so because of unclear agreements, or, agreements made, but not kept. 

Sometimes jealousy is dismissed as one partner’s “problem” because they're holding onto the past, or are simply insecure and can’t handle anyone else getting attention. 

Jealousy can stem from one person believing that all partners will inevitably cheat. (That's just the way it is.) Or, a person might feel so unworthy of happiness and love that others are seen as an instant threat to the future of their relationship. These are all very real issues that contribute to jealousy and should faced and addressed. 

When there is little or no clear communication about what each person in the relationship expects, the risk of upset, hurt and disconnection only grows larger.  

Whether you want to admit it or not, you have unspoken moral rules that we each live by (we all do.) These rules might stem from your moral upbringing or they could come from strong preferences for how you like to live your life. They might include an expectation that you and your partner will be monogamous, or they might not. These rules can also include what exactly being "monogamous" or being a "couple" means (and what it doesn't). 

So, let me ask you: What relationship agreements do you have with your partner? 

Take some time to look at the relationship agreements you do have with your partner and identify what you two have left assumed and unspoken. What you discover might help you to understand your jealous feelings, or those of your partner. 

As uncomfortable as you may feel talking about your inner moral rules, have the conversation anyway. A lot of hurt and distance between couples can be avoided if only more honest conversations about relationship rules happened! 

Now reflect on this: What relationship agreements would you like to make with your partner? 

After you have a better idea of what you and your partner have actually agreed upon together, you can now decide what you want to make agreements about. It could be that you two did make agreements a long time ago and one or neither of you are keeping them. If so, it's time to talk again about expectations and then create new agreements. 

To help you in that process, follow these 3 guidelines for creating agreements that work FOR your relationship: 

1. Get crystal clear on your own inner rules.  
Start out by going within and figuring out what rules and expectations you have for your current relationship. Don't try to be cool or pretend, be honest—particularly about your non-negotiables (those things that you won't compromise about).  

2. Ask for what you want kindly, but clearly.  
When you state your personal relationship rules and ask your partner to make an agreement, be sure to be specific and sincere. Yes, you probably feel strongly about certain issues. And yes, you have every right to be in a relationship where what you want is to be respected and honored. 

At the same time, don’t present your rules and requests in a judgmental way. Stay open and listen to where your partner is coming from. Grant them the same attentiveness and respect that you desire. Look for places where each of your relationship rules overlap. From that space, create agreements that you both are willing to keep. 

3. Look directly at your jealousy (don't run from it).  
Creating agreements about your relationship can be uncomfortable and may trigger insecurity or worry. If jealousy comes up– for you or your partner– resist the urge to ignore it. It’s always a signal to step back and take a closer look at your own self-beliefs as well as your relationship dynamics. 

Keep your focus on the kind of relationship you want and courageously, yet lovingly, communicate that vision to your partner. Know that you can both be happy and move closer together. 


For help dealing with the green-eyed monster, click here for our free ebook: 7 Jealousy-Stopping Secrets.  



This article was originally published at No More Jealousy. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Explore YourTango