Come on guys. Be better.
As men and women stagger from the wreckage of one marriage or long term relationship to another, they have to endure the agony and ecstasy of dating and mating yet again. It can be pretty hard to find a partner when men (or women, in some cases) are making these 10 dating mistakes that you thought you ONLY saw on network reality shows.
These issues are NON-NEGOTIABLE and apply in any dating situation. Luckily there is an easy fix to these issues: DON'T DO THEM.
1. Leading with your wounds.
She wants to date you, not be your therapist. It’s not her fault your mother neglected you or your father was an alcoholic brute. Recounting the details of your wounded childhood and asking about hers on the first date will not endear you to her heart. Instead, she will think you’re insecure and needy and that you want a mommy (not a girlfriend).
This is a HUGE passion killer. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, proceed straight to the nearest therapist. PLEASE.
2. Making SEX the first step.
I mean, lets be real. If she’s older than 13, she already knows you want sex as soon and as often as possible. If you put an emphasis on sex, she’ll think you’re a jerk who only wants to get laid. What you need to understand is that sexually, most women are not like you!
Even women with high sex drives (yes, they do exist) won't be fooled by your coy references that you're “very passionate” or that you “love to please your partner.” Stay away from the sexual innuendos. Save the fireworks until you're sure the connection is sizzling.
3. Obsessing about age limits.
If you’re pushing 50 and you only want to date women between 18 and 40, be prepared. If you insist on dating much younger women, you're basically welcoming the awkward stares you'll get in public. This means you need to say "so long!" to your insecurities about your receding hairline and belly paunch.
That unwritten taboo against dating or marrying a woman who is older than you is passé. Size doesn’t matter and neither does age when you’re with the right person.
4. Demanding Barbie when you’re not Ken.
She knows men are visual, and that chemistry is important. If you can’t get past her crinkly smile lines and a few extra pounds to see the real qualities of the person underneath, you’re still in fantasy land. Just stop with the “must be fit” requirements. Do you still wear the same size you did in college? Then don’t expect her to either.
5. Putting your anatomy checklist in your ad.
Being seriously overweight is not popular in this culture, everyone knows that. However, asking for long legs, nice butt, “prefer redheads” or any other not-very-subtle reference to body type, shape or cup size instantly identifies you as (a) only looking for sex, (b) a shallow Neanderthal and (c) afraid of intimacy because it’s obvious you’re ONLY interested in her body.
It’s perfectly fine to have physical preferences, just keep your mouth shut about it and your mind open. She may have small breasts and be the best lover you’ve ever had, but you’ll never know if you don’t give her a chance.
6. Talking nonstop and not giving her equal time.
A conversation is defined as a dialogue, not a monologue. If a man shows no interest in my life and what I care about, why would I want to date him? No girl wants to go on a date with a guy who talks nonstop and never wants your input. SERIOUSLY SO ANNOYING.
If I wanted to listen to a monologue, I’d stay up late for Stephen or Jimmy. At least they’re funny.
7. Dropping your relationship baggage on her toe on the first date.
Lets refer back to the number one issue: Leading with your wounds.
Whining that your ex cheated on you and broke your heart is not going to win her heart. She will think that you’re worried she’s going to do the same thing and will run the other way. Besides, it’s selfish and unwise to date while you’re separated and/or tangled up in a messy divorce. You're not available legally or emotionally.
I know your ego needs soothing, but it’s not fair. Most people going through a divorce should be considered temporarily insane for at least a year. It’s psychologically unhealthy to jump into another relationship before you’ve had time to sort yourself out and digest what went wrong from the last one.
Let's not do the rebound thing okay? Everyone is just going to get hurt. If you're really that lonely, try getting a dog.
8. Telling her you have "needs" to satisfy.
The pleasure of her company is all the pleasure you should expect, especially on a first date. Do NOT tell her that your ex was not affectionate and never wanted to make love so she should understand that dating you needs to include sex. The only thing you will accomplish with this is looking like a huge idiot.
Why not just hand her $100, get it on and get off? Coming from her viewpoint it's basically the same thing.
9. Surprising her with your idea of a fun date.
Planning dates early on without asking her what she likes to do and where she’d like to go is rude and presumptuous. It presumes that she has no interests or preferences and the only ones that matter are yours.
In the first stage of dating she will probably not be amused if you show up with your jeep packed with rock climbing equipment, all excited about showing her the great Indian burial ground you found last weekend.
If you want to win points, ask her what she’d like to do, or offer a few suggestions and follow her lead. If she says, “you decide,” then do it. Negotiation is fine, but be sensitive to her comfort zone. Until she gets to know and trust you, be patient and defer to her preferences.
10. Not calling when you say you're going to.
From a woman’s point of view, if you cared, you’d be thinking of her, and if you’re thinking of her, you’d CALL. Expect to be given the cold shoulder or suffer some other nasty retribution if you take her out, a good time is had by all, and you don’t call within 48 hours.
Honestly, the only real exception to this is if you’re hospitalized with a serious head injury and are placed into a medically induced coma.
Men and women want the same things: love, respect, acceptance, affection, communication, loyalty, honesty, trust and great sex, for starters. Perhaps we should accept each other as people with strengths and weaknesses just like our own. We might discover we’re getting what we really want after all.
Sue Hannibal is a medical intuitive, healer and relationship coach at SueHannibal.com. Sue’s latest book, Spiritual Compass: Practical Strategies for When You Feel, Lost, Alone and God Seems Far Away, is available here. Contact her for your intuitive relationship compatibility scan here.
This article was originally published at Sue Hannibal. Reprinted with permission from the author.