I've Never Kissed Anyone Because I'm Discovering What It Really Means To Be A Demisexual
Needing deep emotional connections in today's world can leave you kissless.
Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash Yes, I'm 23 years old and have never kissed anyone on the lips.
Not proudly, but I'll admit it. For the longest time, I just thought I needed to "get over myself" and give in to the pressure that kept telling me what I needed to do: find a guy, fall in love (or don't) and kiss him. "Who kissed whom?" has been the best form of gossip since elementary school, but I didn't really participate in it.
It's not that I'm not interested in kissing anyone. I mean, making out is sensationalized in the media to the point that, if you are a woman, you're told that you should be injecting Botox into your lips, applying new long-lasting shades of lipstick or using all the dating apps to find a quick make-out session ASAP. I’m not immune to this type of femininity. But what if you haven't really felt like the person you're with is right for you?
I've dated occasionally, but my relationships never progressed. I couldn’t maintain the “crush” feeling that I had for them while we were dating, so our relationships ended. We often parted mutually, understanding that we weren’t meant to be a couple. That we weren’t ready for the boyfriend/girlfriend label. It didn’t bother me too much until I went to college and my lack of relationship experience stood out. And then, for many reasons, I started to evaluate myself.
Why did my relationships fail? Did I make them fail? What can I do to fix this?
I noticed a trend when I began thinking about the men I had liked in the past. I knew them first. Like, really knew them. They were some of my closest friends — with a few exceptions, of course. Honestly, I can’t take complete credit for this discovery because a friend helped me determine that I was, in fact, demisexual.
Now, if you’re unfamiliar with what a demisexual is, as I had been, then you might be a little confused or even concerned that such an odd word may describe your emotional connection to someone. I doubted that it was an actual thing.
When reading more about it, though, I grew surprised that I hadn’t heard it used more frequently. Here’s the official definition for anyone who may not know:
DEMISEXUAL – a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person.
So, how does this relate to me never kissing anyone? I treated my romantic relationships like friendships by mistake; I didn’t know that I was still trying to make a connection with them while they were in full “relationship-mode.”
Technology only makes being demisexual harder. I’ve tried Tinder and all its sister apps to no avail because the conversations felt fake to me. I couldn’t jump right into anything, not even a fling, without getting on a near best-friend level with them first. Do you know how strange people on Tinder think you are when you avoid dating questions like they’re poison? Very. Don’t even get me started on the awkwardness of asking Tinder bros questions like, “What’s something that inspires you to continue living?” You don’t get the most thoughtful answers.
For demisexuals like me, organic relationships that develop slowly are the only option.
We can try dating apps until our fingers are bleeding from over-texting, but beginning a relationship with someone with dating in mind is a recipe for disaster. So, let’s maybe embrace our kisslessness and hope that someone comes along who can connect with us just as much as we can with them.
Meaghan Summers is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture and relationship topics.