7 Harsh Truths About Why You Don't Attract Good Men

If you keep dating losers, here's why.

By James Michael Sama — Last updated on Jun 11, 2023

Photo: JOSE_ESCUDERO/ Shutterstock

There are multiple forms of this quote attributed to multiple sources, but the most poignant one goes like this:

“The truth will set you free, but first, it will tick you off.”

When you look for dating advice online, you have two choices: Find advice that makes you comfortable, or find advice that gives you the truth.

There are a lot of people out there (I have been guilty of this myself) who write words on the internet that are designed to do one simple thing: Make you nod your head and say “I knew it!” to yourself. This ‘advice’ does nothing but reinforce your pre-existing notions that may or may not actually be true.

But, hey, it makes you feel good to read it. If that’s what you’re looking for here — click that X before you go any further.

If you want the second kind of advice, information that’s actually true and an accurate representation of how men think, then here are 7 answers to the question, "Why am I still single?" that you may or may not like, but the truth doesn’t give a damn about your comfort level.

Here are 7 harsh truths about why you don't attract good men:

1. Your negativity is keeping you single

“You mean to tell me that loyal men actually exist?” a woman commented on my Instagram, recently. A public, highly trafficked Instagram, I may add. What’s the first thing men read when they see a comment like this?

Man-hater. Anti-man. Huge pain in the behind. Impossible to date. Unattractive attitude. Combative. Would never be affectionate or loving towards a man.

YIKES. I told you this was going to be blunt. Now, don’t get me wrong, negative energy from ANYONE is a huge turn-off, but I cannot tell you how many times I have seen some serious man-bashing on public mediums on the internet from women who are frustrated and jaded.

You might be saying to yourself: Well, that’s their opinion and right to comment on social media. But, here’s the kicker:

I see the same type of comments in online dating profiles, too. Tell me: If you’re literally on an app designed to meet men (or women), why are you using your valuable 300-character bio to bash the very people you’re trying to attract? If all you talk about is things you don’t want, or things you refuse to accept, or bragging about your “hard to handle” attitude, the only men you’re going to attract are ones who are just going to play you as a challenge and continue the cycle of hurt and pain.

2. Good men actually DO want accomplished, successful women

If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that men are intimidated by successful women and ‘can’t handle’ them, well…I’d have a lot of dollars.

The truth is this: Only men who live in their insecurity will shy away from strong women. Men cannot compete on the level of ambition, motivation, or confidence.

Notice I did not say success.

Everyone has a different idea of what success or happiness means to them. A man who is living his truth and has established a secure, confident foundation for himself as a person will only be able to function in a relationship properly with a woman who is the same way.

If you’re finding that the men you’re dating are scared or intimidated or pushed away by your strength, that only means one thing is true:

You’re dating the wrong types of men.

3. Your online dating profile is hugely important

I don’t know the statistics and I am no expert on websites like Match or eharmony, but I would bet money that less than 30% of women on Bumble or Tinder actually have a bio on their profile.

What message does this send?

It says: “I hope you like my appearance enough to swipe right on me.”

It says: “I don’t take dating seriously enough to tell you anything about me.”

It says: “This is pretty much just a last resort and I’m not putting any effort into it.”

The bottom line is that you attract what you project, both online and offline. If you want to find a man who is genuine, caring, and serious about finding a relationship; then you need to send the message that you are the same way.

4. Pretty much ALL guys are open to women initiating the conversation

Anyone who’s ever read any of the 800+ articles I’ve written on my site knows that I am all about the old-school ways of men approaching women. Men initiating. Men pursuing. Men paying for dates. I think that’s what works and that’s the way things should be.

However, we also need to be realistic about the social landscape we are currently living in. A lot of guys are nervous about approaching women, complimenting them, or saying hello in the grocery store. Guys aren’t quite sure if women want independence or romance, or if you have to sacrifice one for the other (you don’t).

The bottom line is that guys are confused as hell. (Oh, and, this is absolutely not an excuse — men should take the reins no matter what), but it is an unfortunate reflection of the reality that needs to be addressed if we want to see the truth. A simple hello in the coffee shop or sending the first message online will open the door for him to (hopefully) walk through and take it from there.

5. You’re gonna have to put in work to find him

I don’t know for sure, but I would venture a guess that the man you’d like to date is living an active life right now. He is at the gym, or pursuing a career, running a business, enjoying a hobby, and living a happy and fulfilled life.

This also means that he is just as busy as you are, and has a lot going on daily. Maybe you’re ‘fishing’ rather than ‘hunting,’ where you’re hoping the right guy will come across your online dating profile, or be temporarily blinded by your glistening brow at the gym and stumble into you while white doves fly into the air from the explosion of energy.

What we don’t think of though, is that he may be going about his day hoping for the exact same thing to happen. This is the part where women say to me: “Well, why should I have to be the one to make the move?!” The answer is another question: If you want something in life, are you going to hope it falls into your lap, or are you going to go out and get after it?

6. Good men don’t respond well to attitude

I’m getting my combat suit ready for all of the negative responses I’m going to get from this article (and probably this point especially), but here’s the reality: Goodhearted, genuine, caring men, have absolutely no interest whatsoever in putting up with a harsh and abrasive woman.

7. Your photos will reign supreme

If the last point didn’t rile up the crowd, this one probably will.

I am NOT saying you need to fit a certain standard of beauty. I am NOT saying you need to dress a certain way. I am NOT saying you need to wear a certain size of jeans.

Every man is attracted to a different type of woman.

That being said: If your visual representation online consists of blurry cell phone photos that look like they were taken with cellophane over your camera lens while riding a rollercoaster, odds are you may not get the highest quality responses.

Every single one of us, men and women, have been turned into a product when it comes to online dating. The products that sell the best are not necessarily of the best quality – but they have the best marketing. Your profile (and your in-person presence) is your face to the world. Is it projecting the best version of yourself possible?

Men are visual creatures. You may have the most genuine, caring heart. The most pleasant disposition. The absolute best personality on the planet – but if his attention isn’t caught for long enough to approach you, he will never find out.

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James Michael Sama is a relationship expert who writes about dating and relationships. He speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness, and has been featured in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.

This article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the author.