If only I could make it so.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend, he would wear a leather jacket and drink cups of Earl Grey tea in a cafe with me on rainy days. He would tip the baristas very well and be so patient with the panicked man who cornered him to talk to him about the intricacies of the holodeck.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend we would split joints and listen to old Chopin records until we got the munchies. Then he would make us an omelet to share and we would split it standing in the kitchen before turning on the TV to watch a marathon of RuPaul's Drag Race.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend we would prank call Ian McKellan. "Is your refrigerator running?" He would ask, and Ian would just sigh and hang up on us. We would try to call him again but Ian McKellan would just send us to voicemail. "It's 3 AM here," he would text. "You utter idiots." This would only make us laugh even harder.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend we would stay up late talking about our parents and he would cry a little when he discussed his mother, Gladys, and how his father used to beat her. The next day when we would see a man yelling at his girlfriend on the train, he would interrupt and the dude would back off because nobody raises their hand OR their voice to a woman when Patrick Stewart is around.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend, we would have to have a really long talk about the difference between what it means when a penis is circumcised and what it means when a penis is not circumcised. Because he legitimately does not know. It might be awkward at first, but we would get through it because I am a gifted advocate for sexual health and wellness and he would love this about me.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend, he wouldn't just let me watch The Bachelor or Real Housewives or any of the soap operas I enjoy, he would watch them with me. "Just because I am a distinguished and notable actor with a known penchant for Shakespeare, that does not mean I've forgotten my roots. My first TV appearance was on England's longest running soap opera, Coronation Street!" Sometimes Patrick Stewart talks about his filmography too much, but that's okay because he's Patrick Stewart.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend, I would never let him grow a mustache. "Does it look bad?" He would ask me, very concerned, and my heart would melt, knowing that he is sensitive about his facial hair having lost his head-hair to alopecia as a youth. "It's not that it looks bad," I would say. "It just doesn't do you justice." He would kiss my hand in thanks and later rub my feet on the couch because he knows that touch is part of what makes relationships last.
If Patrick Stewart were my boyfriend, he would sing me to sleep at night sections of the Canterbury Tales that he had put to music in the hopes of making it a massive Broadway smash. So far, no luck, but rumor has it Lin-Manuel Miranda is interested. "Someday," he would whisper as I fell asleep, "someday."