Get it together, guys.
As a woman with a lot of guy friends, I am always amazed at the things they will “fall for” or overlook when they are really into a woman.
I am also amazed at the fact that when these unhealthy behaviors are pointed out to them, they start making excuses for the object of their desire.
Love may be blind, but lust is blind, deaf, and “dumb”—in the traditional sense of the word.
One big difference in the way men and women approach new relationships is that women tend to “vet” potential partners with much greater care. We are very interested in how our nearest and dearest respond to our love interest, and listen with particular care to what the men in our life have to say. Because guys know the guy “tricks” and they are more likely to spot a “trickster” than other women.
Men on the other hand? Much more likely to “throw caution to the wind” because, hey, it’s romantic, right? And other people just don’t “understand” her like he does.
It’s cute, really. Very, very foolish and naïve, but cute.
So I am going to make a list of things you guys ALWAYS ignore when your friends point them out, but that are empirically sound:
She’s jealous because she’s insecure and neurotic, and no, you cannot LOVE her enough to heal this.
A strong, self-confident woman doesn’t feel jealous unless she believes you are untrustworthy. So either you have hooked up with a hot mess or you have hooked up with someone who doesn’t trust you. Neither of these things is good.
And p.s., the strong, self-confident woman will kick you to the curb if she decides you’re untrustworthy.
2. No, she isn’t going to leave you for her high school boyfriend if you don’t commit.
If I had a dollar for every story I have heard where a guy who isn’t sure he wants to make a LIFELONG commitment is spurred into jumping in with both feet by the mythological “other man”? Damn, people, this is about as low as you can go.
So here is a pro-tip: if a woman knows another guy she thinks will be a better life partner, she will not fire a “warning shot” to let you know it’s time to bend to her will or lose her. She will just leave you for the guy she thinks will be a better life partner.
Please, men…stop falling for this! If you don’t want to commit to her and she wants a commitment, better you both move on to greener pastures.
3. Diamonds AREN’T a girl’s best friend.
In a new relationship and she is asking you to buy her “stuff?” Nope, nope and hella nope! When I see a guy doing this, I want to sue for power of attorney and freeze his accounts.
Unless you are one of those guys who has nothing to offer intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, a way to a girl’s heart should NEVER be through your wallet.
Sure, flowers are nice and everyone enjoys a nice dinner out occasionally (OCCASIONALLY!), but demands and or expectations for jewelry and other frivolous gifts really shouldn’t enter into a mature relationship AT ALL, but ESPECIALLY not in the earliest stages.
4. Her constant attention isn’t because you’re awesome.
Her constant attention means she DOESN’T HAVE A LIFE. Sure, the fact that her world revolves around you may seem flattering at first, but trust me…it gets old fast.
Also, it should be a major red flag if she always wants to do what you want to do…it means (again) either she’s too insecure to assert her own interests and needs OR she doesn’t have any interests. And do you want to know what a person without interests is? BORING. Even if she’s really, really hot.
5. Conversely, “hard to get” should NOT be a selling point!
It is my observation that guys are especially attracted to women who employ the “hard to get” tactic. And yes, generally speaking it IS a tactic, and again it is my observation that relationships that start out as head games have a strong tendency to remain head games. So are you looking for a relationship or a head game?
Mature, emotionally intelligent people don’t play with other people’s feelings. I’m not saying that under no circumstances should you ever ask someone who has previously turned you down out again, but I am saying there should be nothing less interesting to you than someone who is not interested in you.
The one guarantee we have in life is that we will spend the entirety of it with ourselves; why not pick a partner who likes you as you are? And PS, if you aren’t okay with who you are, no relationship can fix that.
There comes a point in life where those who are seeking a partner have to get really clear about whether or not they have been seeking an adult relationship or chasing after an unhealthy emotional attachment.
Our government has unfortunately made marriage a financially desirable goal instead of a profound spiritual decision; therefore, there are a LOT of marriages that don’t fit the bill of a healthy relationship, let alone a thriving one.
The best advice anyone can take when seeking love is to first make sure you love yourself enough not to settle for a relationship that is co-dependent or undermining. When you feel good about who you are, predators (yes, there are female predators!), users and victims will not be attracted to you. When you aren’t looking for someone to tell you that you are worthy of love and attention, that is when the good ones find YOU.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.