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Why do people tend to reject perfectly suitable partners?
By Merethe Najjar
Last updated on Oct 02, 2023
You recently started dating your dream guy. He’s hot, and he’s got a great smile and a fantastic personality. He likes the same stuff you do. You both love watching old movies and he has a pet you adore. He’s honest, trustworthy, and totally into you. He’s amazing.
And you? You’re bored.
You’ve lost interest, and it’s probably not because there’s anything wrong with him. The problem lies with you, sister.
This most likely isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way. You met a guy and had a chance to make something great out of it, but then it wasn’t too long before you became annoyed at the way he chewed his straw in the restaurant or the wheezy sound of his snores. You got mad because he squeezed the toothpaste from the middle, or left his keys next to the key dish instead of putting them in it.
You’re looking for reasons; you’re inventing them in an attempt to find a way out. But why? He’s a great guy, and before you both became an official “item” you were stoked that he liked you.
And now that you’ve locked him in, you’ve totally lost interest.
The mechanics of dating go far deeper in our brains than noticing certain aspects of a potential mate’s personality or the way he smiles.
Subconsciously, your biology wants to match with someone who meets a specific quota of do-able items so you can make babies with them further down the line. While consciously, you want a guy who’s put together and has a decent job so you can do day trips and splurge on a bigger apartment together.
If you’re someone who’s lost interest in your latest partner, you might also be unaware that you’re placing them on a pedestal, which they have no idea they’re on. You’re shoving them away because they made the mistake of actually being interested in you, and that means they’re not as good as you thought.
Part of the thrill of finding a new person is exactly that: they’re new, they don’t have any allegiances to you, and they’re glorious ... from afar. There’s a delight in getting to know someone, getting to know the things about them that you like, finding out unique parts of them you had no idea about, and overall, experiencing a bit of the chase.
You’re both pursuing each other, playing a careful dance that’s gone on in some form or another all the way back to the beginning of time. It’s exciting. But then you get him, and suddenly, you wonder what happened.
Insecurity plays a huge portion in why you’re not happy when you finally achieve the thing you’ve been aiming for. When he’s aloof or playing hard to get, you feel comfortable because a part of you feels that you don’t deserve to have the happiness that being in a relationship with that person could afford.
And if he’s honest and makes a play for you, you feel like he’s settled for you. And that means he’s not as great as you thought he was because he chose to like you rather than playing the mysterious bad boy.
It’s easier to accept the boy who rejects you than the man who wants to love you because you don’t feel that you’re worth the effort. So when he goes to that effort, it makes you feel small, not loved, because you don’t think you deserve it.
It makes him less glamorous in your eyes, because how could someone like him fall for someone like you? You end up putting a great person down for liking you. Somehow, that counts as a negative in your brain, and your relationships are doomed before they even start.
The truth is that everyone deserves love and happiness, and no one should feel that being accepted by someone means that there’s something wrong with them. You have to stop the cycle of rejection, because it starts — and ends — with you.
If you want to find someone to love you, you’re going to have to first stop rejecting the men who try. Make yourself aware of when you’re shooting down the affection you feel you haven’t earned. Someone being into you hasn’t settled for something lesser.
Acknowledge that you’re a person who deserves love and that people out there will love you. After all, you deserve all the happiness that love will bring. All you need to do is try.
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Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author. Her articles have been featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and more.