Sarcastic women aren't THAT funny. Just kidding, we totally are. (That was sarcasm.)
I've been told I'm sarcastic, but I just call it an intolerance for stupidity. Most of my friends appreciate my quick wit even if it can be snarky at times.
Now and then, I run across someone who doesn't get my humor. I had a date with a guy I'd met on an online dating site last week. We started talking and he asked, "How many kids do you have?" I responded, "I have 6. Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time."
The waiter stopped by to take our order and my date asked me, "Do you drink?" I answered with, "Did you not hear the part about 6 kids?" He continued to stare, solemn-faced, waiting for me to answer him. I knew right then that there was no chance of a relationship with this guy.
Not everyone can appreciate the utter brilliance of a sarcastic person. Not everyone "gets it." Not everyone can handle dating someone with a sarcastic sense of humor. Can you?
Here are 11 things you need to know before embarking on a relationship with someone whose primary mode of communication is sarcasm.
1. Sarcasm is our defense mechanism.
We aren't cold and heartless; quite the opposite is true. We just can't let people know we have actual feelings. Admitting we're sensitive, emotional people is like kryptonite to a sarcastic person — it destroys our invincibility.
If you bare your soul to us and tell us a sad story, chances are we'll make a smart aleck comment lest we burst into tears and prove that under our hard exteriors we have a soft, chewy center.
2. We don't take compliments very well.
I was recently dating a guy who asked me, "Why do you roll your eyes and give a sarcastic comment every time I tell you you're beautiful?"
I think I responded with, "Yes, I'm a super model. I have a photo shoot tomorrow for a plastic surgeon. He wants some 'before pictures' for his advertising." We're no longer dating.
3. We really only appreciate compliments where you tell us we're funny.
That kind of compliment is golden. We eat that up because we think we're hilarious. And we usually have tens of fans who think we're hilarious, too.
If you tell us we're funny, we decide then and there that you're worthy. You "get us" and there is nothing hotter than that.
4. We want you to dish it right back to us.
If you want to date us, you have to be quick on your toes. There's nothing more pathetic than a man curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, and whimpering about how mean we are. We want a man who will fling the sarcasm right back at us.
5. Not all sarcasm is mean.
Sarcasm has a connotation of being mean-spirited, and although it absolutely can be, it doesn't have to be. Sometimes, it's just funny.
I tend to be very sarcastic, but I rarely say anything hurtful. I have a deep appreciation for irony, and a large amount of the time my sarcasm is directed at me. I reserve the mean sarcasm for special occasions.
If you don't want mean-spirited sarcasm directed toward you, don't be stupid and you'll be fine.
6. We're freaking smart.
Our brains really have to work harder to interpret all the cues that make, "Good job!" actually mean, "You're a moron and I don't know how you manage to dress yourself every day."
7. We display sarcasm at inappropriate times.
We can't help it because we don't have an on/off switch. Sometimes the snarkiness comes out at the wrong times. When I'm nervous, I develop "diarrhea of the mouth," where the words just pour out in a steady stream with no end in sight. It's like the filter between my brain and my mouth breaks and I end up blurting out crazy things.
This is especially wonderful on first dates and at crowded meetings while sitting around a table with dozens of scholarly individuals. The date who laughs is the guy who gets a second date. And the one person in the crowded meeting who laughs gets to sit next to me when we break for lunch. (Or, more accurately, is the only one willing to sit by me when we break for lunch.)
"What do you like to do for fun, Dawn."
"I like to read, go to the beach, and eat people's livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
Dumbfounded stare because they're not sure what to make of that.
8. If we're really sarcastic with you, we like you.
We're much more apt to use sarcasm on people we like. We're like 6-year-old boys who kick sand on, and pull the pigtails of, the girls we like. If we didn't like you, we wouldn't waste our superior wit on you. It's our way of showing affection. Just go with it.
9. It's our automatic default.
"Think of all you could accomplish, Dawn, if you didn't spend so much time thinking of sarcastic answers." That's the thing — we don't search our brains and try to think of sarcastic comments; sarcasm is our default setting.
The sarcasm is automatically there on the tips of our tongues. We have to stop and think really hard to come up with a non-sarcastic comment. It's hard to do.
When we manage to pull a sincere comment from our brains, appreciate it because it was not an easy task, and it will probably be a while before you ever hear another one.
10. Sarcasm helps us deal with stupid people.
My cop friend told me that throat-punching people is frowned upon and that most courts won't allow a "but he was stupid" defense. Sarcasm keeps us out of jail.
A teacher (and I use the term loosely) at my school told me, "My whole class is failing. They just don't learn." I responded with, "There must be something wrong with them. Clearly it isn't your inability to teach since it's the whole class that's failing."
She, of course, didn't pick up on the sarcasm. And I didn't get charged with battery for slapping her and telling her she's an idiot who should quit and get a job twirling the sign outside the mobile phone store. Win/win!
Understand that embracing our sarcasm will keep you from having to bail us out of jail.
11. Our sarcasm will rub off on you if you stick with us long enough.
At a school conference 16 years ago, my son's preschool teacher told me, "Your son is sarcastic. That's unusual. Most kids this age don't really understand sarcasm." I gave a nervous little laugh and said, "Um yeah, he gets it from his father."
Now, at the age of 20, I'm proud to say that the same kid who used to get in trouble in preschool for talking through his butt like Ace Ventura is now one of the most hilarious, quick-witted, genuinely funny and sarcastic people I know.
I'm (sniff sniff, wiping tears of appreciation) so very proud.