Yes, it's true. You WILL go straight to Hell. Ladies, take note.
Oh, yoga pants. We may not wear you to an actual yoga class, but you fit women of all sizes perfectly and shape our butts quite nicely.
Okay, they aren't the most stylish piece of clothing, but they sure are comfy as hell and make going to the supermarket on a lazy Sunday much less dreadful. (They also work wonders for moms constantly on the go who can't be bothered by copious amounts of snot and crayons on their nice clothing.)
Recently there's been an outpouring of backlash toward these pants and a crazy surge of support in favor of banning them (yes, passing a REAL law to get rid of them once and for all). What's up with that?
Oh, right. Not only are you ruining your life by wearing them, you are also ruining everyone else's! Plus, shouldn't we know better than to dress for our own convenience and go out in public looking like a bum?
The nerve of some people!
So, if you wear yoga pants, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for these 8 horrible, life-altering things that will DEFINITELY happen to you:
1. You'll get a divorce.
Eva Mendes has made her opinion of poor fashion choices perfectly clear, saying "You can't do sweatpants ... ladies, number one cause of divorce in America: sweatpants." I'd like to think she's lumping together sweatpants and yoga pants, because wearing both are a sign you don't know how to dress properly. When in doubt, always take advice from unmarried celebrities.
She definitely knows how to keep her man happy — removing sweats from her wardrobe completely. I think we can learn something from her. You must keep your style "feminine" to keep your husband interested. That means no yoga pants or sweats.
Sh*t, just stop wearing pants completely, okay? Save your marriage one skirt at a time.
2. You'll ruin your (husband's) sex life.
The editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, Kate White, appeared on Today, saying that sweatpants "take away the sexual energy you need." There's nothing that zaps away your husband's sex drive more than your comfy sweats. In the same interview, Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist and contributor for Care.com, says sweats send a message of, "I don't really care how I look anymore; I don't care about turning you on."
Seriously, if every outfit you wear doesn't turn your husband on, you'll be celibate for the rest of your marriage (if you even stay together).
3. You'll be a threat to society.
Teenagers are also baring the brunt of the anti-yoga pants movement, causing upheaval in schools across the country.
The pants became such a problem in a North Dakota high school that the school banned yoga pants altogether. And good thing, too! The boys were becoming increasingly distracted during class, and young, male teachers were unable to keep the class (and themselves) focused.
Won't somebody please think about the children? We certainly can't have these young men putting their futures at risk. Hell, it's harmful to the entire education system! We should ban them nationwide. After all, our children are the future.
4. You'll tempt WAY too many men.
Wearing yoga pants is the worst sin you can commit, tempting a man and making him think about — dare we say it — the female body.
Blogger Veronica Partridge had some qualms with yoga pants, too — so much so, that after talking with her friends about these pants, she asked her husband how he felt. Her husband, Dale, replied, "Yeah, when I walk into a place and there are women wearing yoga pants everywhere, it's hard not to look. I try not to, but it's not easy."
Yes, women should dress to look more pleasant to a man ... but not too pleasant, obviously. Come on, ladies! We need to stop distracting men. It's sinful and it's disgraceful. Men already have enough to worry about.
5. You'll be cited for indecent exposure.
A Montana representative, David Moore, was so offended by naked bicyclists in his hometown that he's now on a mission to ban any clothing that "gives the appearance or stimulates ... a person's butt, genitals, pelvic area, or female nipples," including, but not limited to, you guessed it: yoga pants. Which, Moore thinks, "should be illegal anyway." If you receive more than 3 offenses, you have a high chance of spending life in prison with a hefty $10,000 fine.
Moore really seems to care about his state (awwww), saying, "I want Montana to be known as a decent state where people can live within security of laws and protect their children and associates from degrading and indecent practices." It's not enough that Montana is home to gorgeous national parks; it should also be home to good morals and discretion.
So after your husband divorces you, you'll get thrown in jail and that's that. Don't worry; I'm sure you'll meet a new husband (or wife) there.
6. You'll offend a higher power.
Religious folk are concerned about women who wear these pants; once you're on God's bad side you'll go straight to H-E-double-hockey sticks. You don't respect yourself and you certainly don't respect God by wearing them.
Modesty has been "in" for thousands of years, so why stop now? Even Islam and Judaism support women dressing modestly — don't show any skin other than your hands and face, don't wear tightly-fitted garments, and for the love of all that is Holy, DO NOT WEAR YOGA PANTS!
Let's pray together. Curse this bodacious ass! O blasphemous article of clothing! Damn thee to hell! I repent. I swear I will never taint my soul again with yoga pants. Lest we forget, He is always watching and judging. Plus, how will you kneel down to pray in church with your pants riding up your butt?
7. You'll turn into a drag queen.
If you've ever see Ru Paul's Drag Race, you know these queens spend more than an hour in the mirror contouring their face and getting dressed in outfits with sequins ... lots and lots of sequins (and sparkles). If you're wearing yoga pants with no intention of actually attending a yoga class, you probably didn't even have enough time to make yourself look decent.
That's why Fran Lebowitz — brutally honest author and public speaker — wants everyone to know that if you DO wear yoga pants, you're pretty much the equivalent of washed up drag queens who "let themselves go," and are also horribly bad at their jobs.
8. You will literally blind people with your booty.
You know how you stare into the sun and can't see? Yeah, that's your butt burning the retinas of every person who looks at you. And what do you get when you cause accidental, widespread blindness? The complete shutdown of society ... and civilization as we know it!
I'm sure the millions of pissed off (and permanently blind) people will come knocking at your door to suffocate you with the same yoga pants that disabled them (with the help of seeing-eye dogs, of course). You don't want that kind of guilt weighing on your conscience, do you? If THAT doesn't kill you, the anti-yoga folk sure will. And you deserved it for wearing yoga pants in the first place.
PS: Sweatpants are super dangerous, too. Not only are sweatpants the even more unflattering cousin of yoga pants, they're actually so dangerous that wearing them leads to murder. Yes, murder. Hide your kids, hide your wife! And hide your sweat pants, because they're murdering everyone out there.
Jessica Michelle Ewing was sentenced to 45 years in prison for the 2014 murder of her friend/lover, Samanata Shrestha. Ewing showed up at Shrestha's apartment wearing a nice dress, ready to wine and dine her. Sounds romantic, except her friend/lover wasn't dressed appropriately. Instead, Ewing found Shrestha wearing, you guessed it, f*cking sweat pants.
Ewing went along with this insult to God, society, and fashion police around the world ... up until she was rebuked and told their consensual sex was just experimentation. Worst date night ever.
If you or someone you know is considering wearing sweatpants (or yoga pants, god forbid), keep in mind this simple algorithm to remind yourself of the horrible things that will happen: Sweatpants + rejection = murder.