Looking for love? Stop keeping your passions a secret.
It's an age-old problem for women: the fear that if we speak our minds or come off as too intelligent, we'll scare away any potential chances we have at love.
Here's the real problem: we have to stop apologizing for being smart.
Women have been conditioned to believe that the only way to attract a man is to come across as dainty, gentle and soft-spoken. We're supposed to laugh delicately, walk gracefully, and eat tiny, cute little portions. Well, I don't know about you, but when I laugh, I sound like a hyena. When I walk, I usually sweat. Even in the winter. And when it comes to eating, I can plow through a bag of chips like it's nobody's business.
We're not perfect, and we need to stop trying to act like we are. If your strategy for meeting guys is to come across as ditzy, delicate and uncomplicated, then stop wondering why you're single. I'm sure you're meeting plenty of guys — the types of winners who are focused on getting some and pulling tail. These are the guys that are available at the end of the night, because the decent guys — the ones who actually care about making a connection with you — are busy hanging out with women who don't feel guilty for sharing their opinions and speaking their minds.
Don't get the wrong idea … I'm not saying you need to get a pair of hipster glasses and dress up like a slutty librarian. It just means that you should stop hiding the facets of your personality that show guys that you're smart, well-read, educated, and/or passionate about something other than him.
Most guys think that all girls want to talk about is The Real Housewives, Kim Kardashian, or the latest episode of The Bachelor. There's nothing wrong with liking these kinds of things. I will happily admit that when it's Bachelor season, I am always excited to waste two hours of my life watching this show and splitting a bottle of wine with myself. But I don't exactly think of it as one of the more interesting things about me.
I'm willing to bet you have some other hobbies besides bingewatching America's Next Top Model. Maybe you love reading Harry Potter or you're a huge Doctor Who fan. Perhaps you like to cook recipes you find on Pinterest or you enjoy antiquing — whatever it is, stop trying to hide it.
Everyone has "weird" things they get excited or passionate about. I'm a huge fan of books by the author Malcolm Gladwell (if you don't have a nerdy hobby yet, try reading Gladwell) and I also love anything to do with improv, stand-up and comedy. These types of things make me excited to get up in the morning, and they make me happy about the fact that I have other things to think about besides my love life.
I'm sure you have something too. Whatever it is, you don't need to keep that a secret. Don't be afraid to release your inner nerd. In fact, you should be proud of it!
The difference between a guy wanting to sleep with you and a guy wanting to take you out on a date? The guy who wants to sleep with you doesn't care about your name, or your degree or your hobbies. He just wants to get you in the sack. The guy who wants to take you out on a date is the one who enjoys having an actual conversation with you. He's the one who asks your name and remembers it. The one who thinks it's awesome that you read books about World War II.
The truth is that guys (and by guys I mean the ones that are genuine, good, and worth your time) find nerdiness, education, literacy and passion to be sexy. If you love reading books or you have a blog or you are super into your Fantasy Football team, he'll love that ... because he finally has something to talk to you about. He's seeing you as an intelligent human being with thoughts and ideas — someone he can learn from and think about and be interested in. He's not just seeing you as that girl who he had a fun, drunken night with.
There are thousands of girls out there who are just like you in many ways: they're single, they're social, they like to go out and they want to finally meet the one guy with whom they can make a true connection. But they're doing it wrong because they're doing what you did up to this point: they're afraid to show what they consider to be the not-so-glamorous parts of themselves, so they end up coming off as vapid or boring.
Why not be the one girl he meets who finally breaks that mold? It's obviously a risk: some guys will find it off-putting. Some will ignore you because they're too insecure to be with an intelligent female. But that's how you weed out the bad ones from the gems.
Right now, there's a guy out there that is tired of making shallow and useless conversation with girl after girl after girl. He's waiting for you. He's waiting to hear what you like to do when you're not drinking a vodka tonic. Tell him about the intramural sport you play or the podcasts you listen to.
And most importantly, don't make yourself feel like you can't share something with him because it's not cool or interesting enough. "Releasing your inner nerd" and talking about your passions doesn't mean it has to be something ridiculously impressive, like running a marathon. If you like to run marathons in your spare time, good for you. But that doesn't mean that someone who likes to spend time people-watching at a coffee shop isn't equally as interesting. It's about showing him that you have interests and hobbies that he can learn about and maybe even try with you. It's about being brave enough to show him your true colors.
Dating and falling in love are both exhausting. The feelings you experience are wonderful and scary and they take everything out of you. So you shouldn't be wearing yourself down even more by trying to seem perfect. You should let him see everything up front — every aspect of you that you don't consider ideal. Because I promise that almost every single time, he'll be more interested than not.
He's met all the other "perfect" and "cool" girls already. And there’s a reason he's not with them — they didn't spark something in him. What truly sparks a man's interest is someone who can introduce him to new ideas. That person is you. So stop apologizing for your quirks and start owning them. Prince Charming will follow.