Hey, remember how Lifetime is making a behind the scenes look at all of the drama on the Saved by the Bell set? No? You don't remember that, because that show is too old to really care about anymore or because the movie will desecrate a beloved 1990s memory? Oh, well, in any case, Lifetime released the first preview of their movie. Let's watch it together!
0:00 to 0:10 - Look, its a Saved By the Bell cast photo shoot! Everyone stands palling around, smiling. Everything seems great!
Ok, so the cast looks like they are all wearing Saved By the Bell Halloween costumes. They all look vaguely like their characters, but in a slightly off, kinda creepy way. They couldn't have just gotten the original cast? Are any of them that busy that they turned this down? Seriously, it looks like the kid playing Mario Lopez is wearing brownface. Yikes.
0:11 to 0:30 - The cast breaks down, and now it's time for some individual shots. Starting off are Zack and Kelly getting playful. Zack tickles Kelly, and then tells her not to laugh.
So, the little kid they hired to play Zack looks like a creepy child wearing adult clothes. How did an entire movie get made with one of the main characters looking so horrifying? It doesn't help that he makes tickling Kelly look a little too aggressive. He never makes eye contact. He just stares at the camera with those empty, soul-less eyes.
0:31 to 0:39 - Uh oh! Looks like Lark Voorhees has a crush on Mark Paul Gosselaar! And she's totes super jelly about how flirty Tiffani Amber Thiessen is getting with him!
Ok, so apparently Lark Voorhees didn't understand acting? She's mad at Tiffani because Kelly has to be flirty with Zack to promote the series? This is the drama? You gotta do better, movie. You just got to!
0:40 to 1:17 - Now it's time for the girls to take some shots together! And they do, but unfortunately they're also taking shots at each other! Lark's going to show Tiffani what happens when she flirts with the wrong guy. So Lark keeps purposely bumping into Tiffany, while Elizabeth Berkley acts as the voice of reason.
Wait, what? The star of Show Girls? As the voice of reason? I'm still not sure why Lark is even upset, and now Elizabeth Berkley isn't a crazy person. I'm so confused.
1:18 to 1:28 - Mario Lopez decides to some pushups.
I wish there was more to describe, but Mario Lopez gets up and starts doing pushups. I guess that's a way to pass the time.
1:29 to 1:41 - Now, Dustin Diamond is doing pushups too. Mark gives him a disapproving look.
So I guess Screech also wants to do push ups? What is happening? Why?
1:42 to 1:45 - Dustin can't keep up with Mario! After doing three push ups, Dustin Diamond collapses.
That's crazy. Somebody should probably call a doctor, that's super unhealthy.
1:46 to 2:01 - Mark tries to help Dustin up, but Dustin doesn't need the help. Mario keeps doing push ups. Dustin calls Mario a prick, and then gets yelled at for his bad language. Now Mario and Dustin are fighting!
Ok, what just happened? Why is Dustin mad? He wasn't challenged to a push up competition or anything. Mario wasn't taunting him. Dustin has no reason to be upset. Mario was minding his own business, pushing his ups, when Dustin tried to join in. Its not Mario's fault that Dustin doesn't realize how weak he is. Is this really what Dustin Diamond was like? My favorite part of this is when Dustin calls Mario a prick, and then Mario's like "Say that to my face!" Hey Mario, he just did. He literally just said it to your face. His face is about two feet away from your face. How much more in your face do you want him to go? God, this is soooooo bad.
2:12 to 2:13 - Elizabeth Berkley doesn't want to stand next to Mario Lopez because he's gross and sweaty.
Ok, first off, no, he isn't sweaty. We can see him too, movie. He's just fine. Are you afraid if you made the actor look wet it might wash off the brownface you put him in?
2:14 to 2:26 - Lark and Tiffani are still arguing, and now Mark and Dustin are arguing! Boy, these guys don't like each other AT ALL!
This isn't drama. This is childish bickering. Mark and Dustin are literally fighting over whether Dustin should kneel in front of the picture or if he should stand next to Lark. Why won't Dustin kneel? Why does Mark care if he kneels? This is making my brain sad.
2:29 to 2:32 - Mr. Belding delivers the thesis statement of the movie: "Well, the network didn't kill us, but the hormones might."
This is the out of control drama that was going on? It all seems so easy to fix. First, explain to Lark what acting is, so she can just relax. Tell Mario Lopez when it's appropriate to do push ups. Also, let him beat up Dustin Diamond, because Diamond seems like he's a real jerk here. And somebody get a soul for Mark Paul Gosselaar, because his empty eyes are super creepy.
I just don't know about this movie. It's billed as the behind the scenes story, but I can't imagine this was the real drama. Was Mario Lopez's fitness addiction really that destructive? I just can't get over that. Nobody behaves that way. It's so clearly made up, but that makes it worse. If I was going to invent drama, I'd go with something better than "Mario Lopez can't stop doing push ups."