The cast of classic 90s show Saved By The Bell, especially Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano) and her former onscreen boyfriend Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) are not happy at the news of a Saved By The Bell Lifetime movie about what went on behind the scenes. (Perhaps reasonably so. Since it's on Lifetime, there's probably going to be a scene where all of the men beat all of the women and then are just super evil men for a while.)
The movie is an unauthorized behind the scenes look at the popular series, and one of the sources for the movie is Dustin Diamond's own tell-all book, Behind The Bell, so don't expect much accuracy. Diamond played Screech on the show, and ever since has attempted to make a career by being a terrible human being with his nasty appearances on VH1 reality shows, his botched attempts at standup comedy (he'd call paparazzi to come, then pretend he didn't want them there when he bombed onstage) or his sex video where he did a "dirty Sanchez." (If you don't know what a dirty Sanchez is, then don't look it up. Just keep being innocent.)
Regardless of whatever tripe Diamond is shilling, it would be cool to see what went on behind the scenes of Saved By The Bell, a show we all pretty much still love. Here are a few revelations that we completely made up but hope will make it into the TV movie, because then it'd actually be interesting.
1. Turns out, Zack Morris' dog didn't actually eat his homework! In reality, he just didn't do it.
2. The writers were a lot less politically correct than we all remember. Ouch.
3. Dustin Diamond claims that despite the drug-free message that Saved By The Bell promoted, the cast — young stars at their prime on the biggest show in their demo — actually dabbled in the stuff. Clutch your pearls!
4. That beach resort they all worked at together one summer? It was just a front for cocaine smuggling.
5. Elizabeth Berkley had a premonition about her post-Show Girls career while she was still on Saved By The Bell.
6. A.C. Slater's was this big.
7. The show was part of a conspiracy to make sure '90s kids were the whitest dancers ever.
8. A.C. Slater was actually a 3-foot-tall Eskimo child. They had to use lighting and camera tricks to make him look like a jock. He compensated for that by acting like a sexist pig.
9. This water was actually full of a rare organism that attacked Dustin Diamond and turned him into the massive douchebag we know and loathe today.
10. Ever wondered what happened to Tori? Hint: Being a hitwoman rakes in even more cash than residuals do.
11. The Max wasn't a real place, but rather a metaphor for where the cast's minds went whenever they tripped on acid.
12. Another revelation expected from the Saved By The Bell Lifetime movie is that Zack's band, Zack Attack, didn't actually write nor sing nor even actually play any of the instruments of the song "Friends Forever."
13. It was all fake, and considering the cast's current relationship with Diamond, they didn't even end up being friends forever.