I've Promised Marriage To Multiple Men

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bride with two men
She's covered all her bases by making multiple marriage promises.

Despite the fact that I've never had a relationship longer than nine months and that one was with a 15-year-old boy, I still believe in love. I believe in the love of friends and family and despite all evidence against, I believe that I will someday meet a man who will make my life even better. Even with this hope, when I imagine the future, it generally involves a goat farm and some really cute babies, but I've blurred out the vision of that burly be-flanneled man of my dreams. It seems that even though I will meet a guy and tell my friends, "I think I can be with this guy for more than a few months! Yay!" A week or a month later, I'm already washing my hands of another false start. It's not like I can't relate to or love men, but all my closest relationships are to ex-boyfriends. It's for this reason that I've set up marriage promises. Lots of them. The Frisky: Are Marriage Proposals Dead?

Not only have I ensured that I've got a fall-back plan, but in the likely case that some of them get married before I do, I've got fall-backs for the fall-backs. I guess the romantic comedy thing to do is make one promise, but I've always been told not to put all my eggs in one basket and this seems like one of those situations where you really don't want to get your eggs left behind. So I've got a bunch of baskets sitting all around the country, living their basket-y lives until the fateful day when our promises go into effect and these eggs get theirs. 

The first promise goes into effect when one of the gents is 27 years old. The guy is a cousin to my second longest-running relationship. When I was 18 years old, he told me in a love letter that I was as cool as little Pete. We met on a double date to junior prom and silly danced all night, much to our respective dates' dismay. He's tall, dark, handsome and funny. He's also super skinny, which will hopefully give my offspring better odds of not being busty plumpsters. One day in Rose Park in Santa Fe, we entwined pinkies and promised that if neither of us found "the one," we would make it work. We've made out a few times and he sent me off to college with a care package full of children's books and explicit pornography. He's totally going to marry someone else.

My second promise was to the aforementioned 15-year-old boy, who is now a 24-year-old man, still four years younger than me, which was a huge scandal in high school. I was a cougar before I'd even graduated. This one has matured into a fantastic man and a great friend. He also has a super beautiful girlfriend and another seven years until he is contractually obligated to marry me. And by contractually obligated, I mean we shook hands on it. I feel like we could made a good go of it, but he's gonna get snapped up.

I didn't make a formal promise with my male best friend Alex, but we've joked about joining in a "loveless marriage" sometime after I become a millionaire ... which I think he's under the impression will happen after my parents die. What he doesn't know is that when I'm a millionairess, I can pay people to love me! But seriously, I'm really hoping one of the first two work out before I have to be "loveless" and marry anyone who doesn't want me for the right reasons. The Frisky: How I Knew He Wasn't The One

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