Curves? Lose 'em If You Want a Husband

Well, I’m screwed again.  Apparently, I am so not getting remarried. 
In fact, I can’t believe I even managed to walk the aisle the first
time around.

The University of Texas has released a report suggesting the romantic
lives of curvaceous women are destined to revolve around one-night
stands, extramarital affairs and general whoredom.  After interviewing
375 males and females, the research team concluded “men categorize women
with attractive, curvy bodies as short-term partners, whereas a woman
with a pretty face would more likely be considered for a long-term
relationship.”  Something about fertility.

Curves?  I got ‘em.  But my shape is only numero uno on the list of
strikes against me.  I’m also a woman of color, which we recently
discovered means I’m more likely to provoke yawns than proposals from
the average dude.

Studies similar to U of T’s have long confirmed smart women make
rotten marriage material and are even considered less desirable by some
guys.  Then years back, a Forbes writer came along begging men
to steer away from career-driven women with degrees because they suck as
mothers and screw around.  Professional goals and college education? 
Guilty as charged.

Man, what was wrong with my first husband?  What kind of freak wants a
good-looking woman with a nice shape and personality?  My only hope is
that his next wife is an ugly dog with a brain the size of a salt
granule.  I’m thinking of going down to the next Tea Party rally to see
if I can find him a date.

Fortunately, I’m in no hurry to retie the knot.  But when I am ready
to convince Mr. Right to marry me, I now have a plan: get a breast and
butt reduction, grow a mustache and hit myself in the head with a hammer
to snuff out the smarts flitting around my brain.  That way, my man can
appreciate me for the scrawny, average-looking dipshit I’ve always
longed to be.

**Reprinted from Laura K. Warrell's blog Tart&Soul at www.TartandSoul.com.