7 Ways To Pretend You're Not Dating

Dog my cats, it looks like Robert Pattinson* and Camilla Parker Bowles Kristen Stewart are dating. (Read: Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart Shopping Date and now we barely believe them.) The first installation of the Twilight film franchise was filmed in 2008 and they've been dogged by "are they-aren't they" rumors ever since. Throughout it all, they refused to discuss the matter…and "mystery" kept them in the tabloids and on the tongues of their tween fans (figuratively). Their admission seems to have come with little fanfare and some level of collective "meh." Maybe an earlier admission or some kind of Jay-Z and Beyonce–esque semi-secret wedding would have dazzled us a little more. 

But sometimes you have to keep even a reasonable relationship secret, either until you're sure it'll work, your divorce goes through or your manager says to can the cloak and dagger. Here's how to keep your friendly workplace (or otherwise mildly verboten) relationship on the DL:

1. Insist that you are just friends but only when prompted. It's a rookie mistake to blurt out, "we're just friends, nothing more, nothing less, ok" when someone brings up his name in passing. Read: 4 Signs You're More Than Friends
2. Always sneak in through the back door. I know what you're thinking, and that's a personal choice, but I'm talking about the idea that it's tough to keep your dalliance on the down low when your car is parked in front of his house. As a corollary to what you thought "back door" meant, don't get pregnant; it's a dead giveaway. Read: A Girl's Guide to Anal Sex
3. Keep the PDA to a minimum. Sure, sometimes "just friends" do get a little touchy-feely, but eventually someone is going to know something is up if you're rubbing one person's butt more than everyone else's. Read: 7 Commandments For Showing Love In Public
4. Avoid Freudian slips. This is part and parcel of the previous suggestion, but if you're not on your mother-loving toes, you may accidentally drop a 143 bomb in public or refer to someone as your "24-hour loverman" or "special lady friend."
5. Develop some sort of simple code. There's a good chance that you're gonna need to signal that you're ready to surreptiously leave a social event—utilizing a believable 25-minute buffer—to totally make out hard with no one the wiser. For that, you'll need a simple, unmistakable system.