You Don't "Luck Into" Love: How To Find It
Dating weary? Dr. Diana Kirschner offers advice for finding love—and fast.
For those who are single or starting over, dating can be daunting. Maybe you'd love to settle down, but the methods of meeting a man just don't seem to be working, and everywhere you turn, advice abounds.
"Try dating online!" your friends suggest. "Been there, done that," you think.
"You need to meet my brother—his missing teeth and eye patch are totally charming," your colleague offers.
"You should just settle down. So what if Harry doesn't call as much as you'd like? At least you won't die alone!" your mother urges.
On top of the well-meaning but poorly received advice, there's the damage that years of dating or looking for "the one" can do to one's self-esteem, motivation and optimism. Dr. Diana Kirschner, a psychologist and love expert who contributes regularly to the Today show, wants to revolutionize the way women look for love. Her book, Love in 90 Days, presents some ideas that—on the surface—may seem unappealing. For example, Dr. Diana advocates a strict "no sex" policy for the early phase of the relationship. Sound dull? Well, she does want you to to date three men at once. That better?
Whether divorced, recently out of a relationship or so single it could be your middle name, Dr. Diana's dating advice can help you identify what you want from a relationship and, with a little bit of luck, find it in three months. YourTango caught up with the love doctor to discuss her program and book. Watch 4 Steps To Finding Love
YT: What is the 90 Days program?
Dr. Diana: The 90 Days program is a four-pronged approach. The first thing you do is identify and break your "Deadly Dating" patterns. Then you go on what I call a "Dating Program of Three," where you date three guys—but no sex with any of them. Number three—you work on your self-sabotaging ideas, your beliefs, like "I'm too old," "I'm too fat" or "There are no good men out there." You also cultivate what I call your "Diamond Self," which really helps you bust through shyness. The last thing that you do is you get yourself a "Love Mentor." This is somebody who is like a fairy godmother, who gives you the most profound support and really helps you find "the one." And all of these things work together and help you succeed in creating the love you really want.
What makes the 90 day program successful?
Doing the inner work that is necessary. You work with your self-sabotaging ideas and thoughts that are holding you back. "It's my cellulite. It's…" whatever your thoughts are that are negative. But you also go out there and you follow these techniques where you meet lots of guys. And you also learn how to attract them and date them. So you have inner work and outer work, and each supports the other. Read Dating Detox: I Took A 3-Year Break From Men
How much about finding love is effort versus chance?
People say, "If it was meant to happen, it would happen." Now, in what other area of life would you ever take that attitude? I mean, "If I was meant to be fit, it would just happen. I would be fit?" Or, "If I was meant to learn French, it would just happen. I would know French." Well, you know, love isn't any different. Luck meets the prepared mind, right? So, you have to be prepared, and you have to work on yourself. Number one is your own self-love and, then, you have to put yourself out there.
Next: Dating three guys at one time; Deadly Dating Habits; Learning from Queen Latifah; and Duds vs. Studs...
Discussion
I love this - it's so true. You can find your dream partner if you know what you want.
Making yourself a list with the qualities you are looking for in a person is a great way to go. If those qualities don't have 10 out of 10 then move on.
Love doesn't just find you, you have to know what you want and take the right action.
My comment is inspired by the portion of your column called "Fix its" criteria # 2. "Is he willing to grow?" This is the position that so many people take both women and men. Instead of is he/she willing to grow, I think that it should be, "Can I accept the pace or rate at which this person is changing?" IE; you need to foster complete, and total acceptance of that person in every moment the way that they are, or hit the road. This is obviously excluding abuse of any kind. Run like hell! But take them as they are, or not at all. I've been through two marriages and through both of them I was expected to change. I gave out the changes that I wanted to make, and was willing to do them, but for some reason the changes weren't fast enough. So back to bachelor hood I go. Ladies, quit trying to change your man, If you fell in love with what you wanted to see, then shame on you, if you fell in love with what you saw, then why are you trying to change or "perfect" him? Acceptance is the key. Like wise for men, acceptance is the key.
Good luck!
My comment is inspired by the portion of your column called "Fix its" criteria # 2. "Is he willing to grow?" This is the position that so many people take both women and men. Instead of is he/she willing to grow, I think that it should be, "Can I accept the pace or rate at which this person is changing?" IE; you need to foster complete, and total acceptance of that person in every moment the way that they are, or hit the road. This is obviously excluding abuse of any kind. Run like hell! But take them as they are, or not at all. I've been through two marriages and through both of them I was expected to change. I gave out the changes that I wanted to make, and was willing to do them, but for some reason the changes weren't fast enough. So back to bachelor hood I go. Ladies, quit trying to change your man, If you fell in love with what you wanted to see, then shame on you, if you fell in love with what you saw, then why are you trying to change or "perfect" him? Acceptance is the key. Like wise for men, acceptance is the key.
Good luck!
Interesting....I just found this site and i like it. : )
Great article as well...As the reader above said...having confidence is key...and it's not about luck at all..
Jen Ramos
'Cards & Prints You'll Love...'
www.madebygirl.com
madebygirl.blogspot.com
