I Have Two Husbands: A Polygamist's Diary
A modern-day polygamist explains her side of the story.
"Non-traditional." A popular catch-all phrase that seems, in common usage, to mean anything that differs from the mainstream. It also describes a large portion of my life.
My upbringing was entirely unremarkable, and certainly included nothing of this sort. I was first introduced to such alternative relationships in college when a female friend of mine and I knowingly decided to share the same boyfriend. No, not a threesome, just going out with the same guy. It was partially a matter of convenience, and partially the fact that we were close friends. We both liked him very much, didn't want to fight over him, and he wasn't anxious to choose between us. As this was my first intimate relationship and it became polyamorous, it is hardly surprising that I ended up in a polygamist marriage. My first husband was Alan.
We fell together like a couple of old shoes, somehow instantly comfortable with each other. We had similar opinions about plural relationships, and neither of us was averse to the idea. Around a year and a half after we were married, we met Eric. He and I were instantly attracted to each other and, as Alan had no objection, we began getting to know each other better. Over time, I found myself falling in love with Eric. Alan certainly wasn't blind to this, so we all got together to discuss it. This turned out to be one of the most important conversations of my life, and led to an increase in my family.
Alan and Eric let me make the sleeping arrangements, and I worked to make sure I spent time with both of them. To all outward appearances we were a married couple with a male friend living with us. While some found it awkward when the three of us occasionally attended parties and such together, very few people attempted to pry. To avoid legal troubles, I remained legally married to Alan, and we all decided a larger house was in order when we met Leslie.
Fast forward to today, and our family is now composed of Alan, Eric, Leslie, Amber, and myself, plus our children: Todd, Steve, Jennifer, Lisa, and Amber is currently pregnant. Eric and Leslie are legally married, and we've added a few rooms to the house. We have two family meetings a week, one of which is for adults only, both of which can get lively and loud. We've had our arguments over money, people monopolizing other people's time, dealing with children's issues, and so forth—like any other family—but we just have more voices in the discussion.
As far as finances are concerned, Alan, Eric and Leslie all work, and Amber intends to go back to work after the baby is born. I kind of became the head Mom and housekeeper, and we all take turns at cooking except for Eric. (We all try to keep him out of the kitchen. We've decided we like the house, and we don't want him to burn it down.) We have main household accounts for bills and home improvements, and we all have our own personal accounts as well. Alan keeps all the books balanced, as he's best at it. Amber and I both receive a kind of salary for what we do around the house.
Discussion
The thing that most learn with age is that nothing is as it seems. The one thing that is essential in any relationship is communication. After all, as one writer put it long ago, 'Love doesn't care about the rules' (I wish I knew who said it). I'm currently married to a guy 15 years younger than my 62 years (he's great but has bad health we haven't had a physical relationship in years and I keep telling him I want a boytoy).
Being in a relationship/s (not based on the institutionalized religions creeds) become difficult when others demand we all be the same. I credit those who have multiple partners with knowing their own needs. Sadly too many can't get along so the need to isolate, segregate, blame, or condemn is easier than letting individuals have a choice of life style. Many can accept having many friends but can't accept a person having more than one spouse or having a same gender spouse. It seems it is easier for the majority to be small minded rather than being happy that others are fortunate enough to love more than one person in a 'marriage.'
Kudos to the the author who worte this. I love the fact that i (finally!) found a woman who was in a polygomy marriage and isn't religious!
i almost thought this didn't exist!
While most would find this appauling, I find this to be very interesting. think it's great that you can do this and be so open about it. I hope that someone who happened to read this that their mind will be less narrowed, and close-minded as before they read it.
There is no one definition of "normal". Everyone has their own definition of normal, and as log as they're not hurting anone with their view of normal, then it should be accepted by those who love them the most.
Kudos to you!
Love,
Mama Jk
Polygamy is one husband with many wives. Polyandry is just the opposite. Polyamory is many loves. It seems like this relationship was polyamorous.
My sweetie and I have been in a polyamorous relationship for about twelve years witha very kind loving man.. It is a "V" type as she has sex and spends quality time with each of us, but the males don't. We have had tremendous growth as a couple and a trio. We sometimes play and enjoy each other together but distance makes it difficult to spend more time together. I, as her legal husband, spend the most time with her but I have no problem with her spending more and she has done so. We have a very loving relationship and have been married for over thirty years
Like it has been posted, these relationships are not for everyone but society needs to recognize that there many ways to cohabit if one does not let religion dictate just one way.
Actually polygamy means several spouses of either gender. Poly means many, gamy is from greek meaning marriages. It simply means many marriages (thanks Liberal Arts education!)
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=polygamy
polyandry means having many husbands, and polygny means more than one wife. But since polygamy as a word encompasses both terms it is acceptable to use here.
It's always interesting to hear about how other people make it work! I hope we can hear more from you around this site. We have lots of articles on the topic.
Wow! It's really interesting how this article has been majorly edited to give it a more sympathetic spin (all the criticisms aimed at another author's article cut out). Complete with a brand new author (formerly Jenny Block) and all the original comments deleted in just 2 days! Apparently you folks at YourTango don't think anyone is paying attention. I won't be returning to this site anytime soon.
Anthalia, this article is new to the site. It is not an edited version of another article. And all the comments were not deleted. Perhaps this is the article you were referring to?
http://www.yourtango.com/20087235/open-marriage-is-not-a-fad
If you have any concerns about editing or comment moderation, please reach out to me by messaging me on the site or emailing me at lyz (at) tangomag (dot) com! That goes for everyone on the site!
Yes! Yes! Yes! It totally makes sense and totally normal!! NOT!!! Soon you will think having sexual relationships with children and animals will be normal. Get a grip you idiots.
Thanks for writing this. Awesome article. We need more people to be open about different styles of relationships.
DrSteve, you are absolutely right! We did once live in long houses in extended family settings with shared responsibilities! But the cultures that did reside that way didn't share everyone. Kind of like my life.
There's a mild polygamist factor in my current family dynamic and it works great. It's hard for one person to fulfill the needs of another and sometimes there are things that you can't do for eachother in a relationship.
My life is based loosely on the dynamics of a traditional native family unit. We all put in our fair share so we all have less to do.
And to the earlier comment in regards to children? My daughter has 3 very strong male influences. Child services were contacted by another closed minded individual such as yourself and all they determined was that she has more resources to help her develop into a phenominal person. Why would I deny my child the love and affection of yet another person that cares for her?
one more thing:
do I dare say this?
I remember so vividly the college years. All the young men were slobs and of course horney as demons. They all needed someone to turn their mess into a home.
Now let's imagine a young woman who wants college and can't afford it all. So she becomes the "queen bee" in an apartment. She maintains the house keeping and "entertains" 5 guys who pay for all of her living expenses -- rent, food, a little something for personal hygine items -- even perhaps some help with buying school books and special project money.
IF they would all just share her and avoid other partners no one would get STD's, everyone would have a better life, she get's the expenses handled (which I think is better than having sex for porn producers to cover the expenses) and when it's over 4-years later she's had her experience and gets to work and finds a monogamous relationship.
odd but -- a solution that works for those who will absolutely agree to it. -- and there's no question that women are sexually superior and can easily wear out 5-male athletes daily and end the day saying "I want MORE."
sn
It's VERY traditional. It's very "tribal" and IF people really did live as long at 100,000 or 50,000 or 25,000 years ago or 10,000 years ago (according to the archiologist) I'm sure a lot of them lived in a "long house" and traded partners, shared meals, shared child care, shared the food they grew, gathered or hunted and --
it's as natural and normal as humanity. No, it doesn't exactly fit today's theology but it's "forgivable" and it makes better sense than ever in an economy on the brink of collapse.
or -- should we prefer more millions homeless, hungry and miserable?
If you spread a bit of brotherly and sisterly love around in bed and in the kitchen (send Eric outside to the BBQ) what's the harm? Or should we prefer more civil strife in the name of "religious traditional values?"
Yes I loved the story and the author's voice makes it much more sensible than scandelous.
Get free health information and a lot of good thinking at www.SteveNewdell.com
I think that this is an interesting lifestyle, and while it certainly wouldn't work for everyone, if this works for this particular family, then really, who are we to judge? I can certainly see the benefit of having multiple partners (though this certainly wouldn't be a choice I would make). If they are all happy, then I think that's wonderful - happiness in this life is hard to come by sometimes. :)
I'm not sure the author has taken a "we're better than you" stance. It sounds like they have the situation figured out for them. For such an arrangement to work, there has to be rules. Has to.
But I do take umbrage with the writer's claim that their arrangement is not mulitiple wifes: who is Amber 'married' to? Who's baby is she having? There are more women here than men. I guess I'm just nosy, and not worried about asking an uncomfortable question. :)
Power to you for living this way. It would be too hard on the head for me.
Everyone deserves happiness, I do wish you all that!
"We also don't consider the political jockeying, the backbiting, and the attempts to get more of the husband's attention or money, to be loving behavior."
Umm no one considers that to be loving. But it happens in any relationship. It doesn't matter gay or straight, at some point we are all insecure. At some point we try to get at the money. At some point we back bite our SO behind their back. I agree with Mango, she is making her situation sound TOO perfect. I would believe this story more and be more open to understanding polygamy if it was presented in a REAL light. Not this fake, "We're better than you" way.
You are being too judgemental. What the writer is saying is that her marriage is just like a normal marriage, just with more people and they do it because it works for them. Just like monogamy works for some people. Except judging by infidelity rates it doesn't work....
