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Is Positive Thinking Sabotaging Your Love Life?

Barbara Ehrenreich thinks it might be. We wonder if she's right.

Do you believe that anything you want will be yours if you just upgrade your attitude? Do you think that you can attract money, happiness and love just by rearranging how you look at the world? Do you—like millions of people around the country—love Deepak Chopra, believe in The Secret, and think that the universe gives back to you exactly what you give it?  

If so, then we suggest you steer clear of Barbara Ehrenreich's new book, Bright-Sided: How The Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. In it, she argues that our national obsession with positive thinking might actually be making us stupider and, worse, sadder. Depressed: Forget Pills. Try Sex?

We know what you're thinking, Andrew Weil adherents: How can there be anything wrong with positivity, even if it is manufactured, packaged, and marketed in 5-CD sets and Learning Annex seminars? Isn't positivity better than negativity any day of the week regardless of how it permeates into our lives? The Secret To A Happy Marriage?

We're not so sure. As Ehrenreich sees it, the positive attitude movement can lead to disasterous results—partly because it is so intent on seeing "the glass half full, even when it is shattered on the floor." Thus, it might lead you to believe that if you just change your attitude, you can go from being hurt and bothered by your husband's abuse and cheating to being grateful for the fact that you even have a husband.

Manufactured positivity—because it is so internal, so intently focused on realigning one's thinking—places a greater value on attitude than on action. In turn, rather than leave your cheating, abusive husband, you might feel more inclined to change what energy you're putting out into the universe.

And if things just get worse from there — if your husband breaks your leg, or perhaps he gives you some incurable STD — you have to believe that you deserved it, because the universe only gives back to you what you give it. Attitudes, unfortuately, cut both ways. Why Do Smart Women Settle For Mr. Wrong?

Ehrenriech concedes that yes, positivity can, in a "simple, practical sense" improve one's life. After all, "if you are 'nice' people will be more inclined to like you than if you are chronically grumpy, critical, and out of sorts."

But if we are trying so hard to be positive, isn't the bigger, sadder issue underneath all the inspiration boards and personal affirmations that we're not? And that maybe, as Ehrenreich suggests, our relentless pursuit of happiness is just making things worse?

Can you relate?

Discussion

spiritbird Single ON HOLD FOR NOW...
Posted October 18, 2009

That is RIDICULOUS ! No one is suggesting that a person put up with ABUSE by looking at "the positives" ! Having a positive attitude and LOVING yourself and your abuser means only to take responsibility that you have allowed this into your life, take the life lessons you need from it and then make positive changes everyday. That ones own energy affects the energy of those around us and that positive energy attracts positive energy...so eventually the negativity in your life will be NULIFIED because it cannot co-exist when living aligned with your source, which is LOVE. Either the abuse will stop or they will leave, or you will leave or they'll get hit by a bus ! Stuff like that...whoever wrote that book OBVIOUSLY has NOT grasped the concept !

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sharon Married
Posted October 14, 2009

I agree with Seligman and his learned optimism; I see it as valuable with my marriage and family therapy clients that believe, or come to believe that they can make a difference in their own lives. In my just released little book to help relationships, "A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage," couples can put into practice some inspiring behaviors that will help them to make a difference: www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com

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IloveBWL Single Still keeping the faith
Posted October 13, 2009

So you're supposed to just walk around with your shoulders sagging,your head down,and have a frown on your face and the "poor old me" mentality and that is supposed to work better? Sorry,but you will NEVER get me to buy into that. I have personally found that since I have been more positive and kept my faith that things will get better and tried to do what I could to help others that my life has improved tremendously even though I am still single. But,I still have my strong faith that one day when the time is right I WILL find that someone who is meant for me and NOTHING or NOONE will take that faith away from me. :)

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BookMama Married Happily Married
Posted October 13, 2009

There's research that shows the optimism can be good for you, even when it is inaccurate. Optimistic people are healthier and more likely to keep trying. I am not a natural optimist, and I have found that being pessimistic can be a trap. I would highly recommend the book Learned Optimism by Seligman to anyone who is not at all optimistic.

On the other hand, I think what Ehrenreich is saying sounds like it makes sense. If you accept whatever comes your way, you don't do anything to change the world. Of course, it takes a hell of a lot of optimism to believe that you can change the world.

Perhaps it's a question of degree. Focusing on the blessings in your life can make you happier. Pretending that you have no problems will just make you miserable inside. So will believing that you deserve the bad things that happen to you.

Going back to Seligman on Learned Optimism, he argues that the most optimistic people do NOT blame themselves. Instead they believe that when good things happen to them, it's because they of them. When bad things happen, they blame something or someone else.

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