New Plan: Give Your One-Night Stand A Gift

The one-night stand "before" is almost as exciting as the "after" is awkward. Everyone's keyed up. Irrespective of booze's involvement, there is a certain headiness that something sordid is in the offing. So you do what comes naturally, and some time later tunnel vision returns to normal vision, your heartbeat lowers to its regular pace and blood begins circulating into it's standard route, rather than pooling in various locales. Yep, you just got some FA*.

Now comes the awkward part. As one million thoughts flood your brain, you try to read the other person's mind by starting sentences with the word "so..." and letting it drag out. Eventually, you are keenly aware that you just saw each other naked or still are naked. A graceful exit takes some combination of gusto, elan, savoir faire and bluntness that most of us hope to but will never possess. No matter of what was previously said, there is always a chance that one or both of you may have "caught feelings" while you were rolling around in there. Read: A One-Night Stand Can Actually Be Great

There are lots of great guides to one-night stands, and a large portion of the advice focuses on the holy trinity of managing expectations, safety and general courtesy. But I think there should be a more tangible takeaway.

If the sex was good, you may desire a keepsake. (Although I do not condone robbing someone after you just had it off with them, aight?). And if it was crummy (c'mon, it was still sex), you deserve a parting gift. After all, you don't leave The Price Is Right without at least a tchochke.

When you give a parting gift, it's critical that everyone be on-board with the idea that you will not be seeing each other again in this capacity; otherwise it's either courtship with a sequential problem or more of a prostitution scenario. Note that this move is the opposite of the Costanza Maneuver in which you leave behind a personal item to facilitate a reunion with someone who may or may not desire to reconnect. Everyone has been Costanza-ed a time or two.

My sister (also my boss, it's complicated) came up with this "parting gift" idea after purchasing 20 copies of a friend's book and we brainstormed what to do with them. Unfortunately, she's married and I am average looking, five pounds too heavy and short on pick them up artist skills, so one of you, dear readers, will have to test this one out. Let us know how it goes, and think about T-shirts, old DVDs and books, used or new, as your gifts.

*That's Fresh Ass. FFA is Fresh Foreign Ass and is a lot like FA but with an accent.