Open Marriage Benefit: A Three-Parent Household
Jenny Block discusses the benefits of an extra partner during the bad economy.
Sometimes I forget things. I don't mean my keys or why I went into the kitchen, although I forget those too. I mean I forget bigger things. I forget to be thankful, to marvel, to bask in my life and the people I live it with.
This economy has driven my husband out on the road. He's working as a consultant. He leaves on Sunday afternoons and comes home on Friday nights.
When he was home, he did the grocery shopping and the cooking. He got our daughter up and out to school in the morning and off to bed at night. Now I'm alone. I'm a single parent. I am drowning, working 10-hour days and trying to keep the house from falling down around my ears and the kid from starving or flunking or just plain hating me. Except somehow I am actually afloat despite how my mind imagines it some days. Read: Busy Woman's Wish List: A Man Wife
The truth is, I'm only partially a single parent. Aside from a husband, I also have a girlfriend. I knew I was lucky to have her in my life because of the love and support and sheer giddiness in being together. What I was not conscious of was just how lucky we all were to have three parents, three adults, three spouses really, to pitch in when things were less than stellar. Read: Portrait Of An Open Marriage
I forget how lucky I am, how good I have it despite the difficulties.
The economy has forced me to do some corporate writing alongside my "real" work which means deadlines and company politics and stress. Combine that with a spouse who is in town for less than 48 hours a week and who wants (and needs) to do little more than rest during that time and you're likely headed for the looney bin—or worse. But because I am in an open marriage, a polyamorous relationship, a polyfidelitous vee, I am not alone—at all.
I forget that this lifestyle isn't just about love or sex. It is also strangely practical despite people finding it so very unusual. Open Marriage: One Man's Surprising Take
My girlfriend doesn't take my daughter to the doctor or register her for school or keep up with the home warranty or schedule the exterminator, she does however help me cook and clean and grocery shop. She does do spelling words with my daughter and help her grow crystals for her science fair project. She is a third parent, a third person, a third spouse.
I forget life wasn't always so isolated. Families weren't always mom and dad and 2.5 kids and a dog. It has always taken a village.
Discussion
I was very happy to read this. I married my girlfriend in a spiritual wedding on June 20th. I am marrying My BF next year. I often have to remind myself that I do have the best of both worlds. My hubby is looking for work, but he's magnificent with the kids. I am disabled and can't do as much as I want. My Wife cooks, cleans and all around makes me feel spoiled at times. I have a 5yo son and a 19 month daughter. They don't understand yet, but they know that we are all family, and when they start asking questions, I want them to be open minded and willing to accept differences. Because our family is different.
Thank you for sharing this article and letting us share views!
Wow does this hit home hard for us as well! My husband has an amazing job but he's on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My boyfriend is struggling to get the hours he needs to support himself let alone our child to be. We have all the same issues as Ms. Block with trying to just make it work but it is so much easier when my husabnd can say, "I need to move us out of this apartment into a good house but I can't do that because of my job commitments and a pregnant wife!" In jumps my boyfriend who offers to take me and our two kids in with him so hubby can make the move and not worry about anything. I also homeschool my kids so Boyfriend and Dad pitch in when they can to make that easier while my ankles swell and I deal with gestational diabetes scares.
To answer BookMama the same commitment level exists with lovers that exists between married partners if the participants are polyamorous. For us we don't involve our children with casual "friends" the difference is my other life partner. He and I are committed to our relationship, and to supporting the relationship I have with my husband. My husband and I are committed to our relationship, and to supporting my relationship with my boyfriend. The guys are also committed to working on the relationship they share. After five years we've been through some really good times and some really bad. We just keep the same iron determination that has kept my husband and I together for 24 years and muddle through!
My husband has not found anyone he wants that level of commitment with other than me though he does have other lovers. Those ladies are only involved in our lives peripherally by his choice. He doesn't want our children to get to relying on someone who might not stick around. We also moniter all interaction with other adults until we feel comfortable that those adults share our childrearing philosophy and will be supportive of our decisions...at least where the kids can see and hear. This was a lesson I learned from my very monogamous parents and it has served us well.
In a truly poly relationship there are not seperate issues to be ironed out...it still comes down to compromise, communication and boundaries, same as in a monogamous relationship.
Altough it's not for me, I can see how polyamory can enrich the lives of some. It just seems, however, that people put as little effort into it as they do into monogamous relationships. I don't see the real benefit from having another person aound the house if they don't take equal responsibility for everything that's going on. There's no legal benefit for the children should something happen to the third leg, nor is there any ability for the adults to visit the third leg in the ICU should there be an accident. There's no choice over life decisions should the third leg become incapacitated, and the third leg has no say in that type of care for the married couple.
It seems like te only people in the house who would benefit is the adults. There's another person to entertain their desires, to take care of the chores, and to pick up the slack that two parent households (and single parents) have been picking up for years. In the end, whether there's one, two, three, or more people involved, the welfare of the children should come first and the bond between the adults should be strong and equally balanced (that means no free rides for the third leg who only does light chores and entertains the wife) and there should be paperwork drawn up to leaglly bind the third leg, not just so they bear responsibility beyond pancakes, but so that they have the ability to take some sort of control of the situation should something happen (they have power of attorney over the children, they are life insurance beneficiaries should someone die, someoe will be able to direct healthcare shoud the tird leg be in an accident). Otherwise, it's not polyamory (which involves responsibility and equality from all the partners) it's an affair that the other spouse is aware of.
Actually there are legal means to ensure that you can visit your life partners in ICU and to be granted durable power of attorney in decisions involving said partner. The same is true for the "thrid leg" and the kids, there are legal ways to ensure those partners have rights to care for the children. The problem arises when the relationship goes sour...but it's just the same as if it's a monogamous relationship that goes sour, the biological parents have all the rights over the kids. You are absolutely correct that to be truly poly you must draw up these agreements to protect all the members of the family.
The welfare of the kids should be a priority and in our household it is. We not only have a partner to "take up the slack" we have another person who loves our children as fiercely as we do. My partner cooks, cleans, helps with homework, even teaches classes when he is able! The same as both my husband and I do. He plays with the girls on the computer and is teaching them spelling and touch typing through it.
My Boyfriend also works outside the home in 12 hour shifts or more...he's a security guard with his own career. He's still in school to further his career as well, he cares for himself and our child to be as well as minor things as the family might need. My husband works 60 hour weeks mostly and is on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week so no free ride their either. I care for both households until we can make a move to combined living. We all work very hard to make this work. We might make it look easy but successful relationships rarely are.
This bring up lots of practical questions I've wondered about. When you have more than one ongoing love relationship, are they all equally committed? Jenny's girlfriend is pitching in, but would she step up to the plate and do half the child care and household chores? Would she work more hours so the others could be home more?
If you're married and your boyfriend loses his job, do the two of you support your boyfriend until he finds another job? What if he becomes disabled? If your husband becomes disabled, would the boyfriend pitch in and work overtime? Are there different levels of obligation in terms of child care?
Actually I can also answer your question about the boyfriend losing his job, BookMama, though I really wish I couldn't :) Yes when my boyfriend lost his job my husabnd stepped in and helped him as much as he would allow. My boyfriend has a very close relationship with his parents and they helped him as well get back on his feet though he is still struggling. We all pitch in as much as we can and when my husband was making a very scary change of jobs from a fortune 500 company to a lesser paying job with a better job title my boyfriend jumped in and gave as much help as husband would allow...even buying shoes for the kids and paying for their online games.
If there was a problem with disability then I feel very confident that either guy would simply step up and do what ever was necessary for the family...the two of them even have a plan as to what they would do if I die! We are focused on our kids both biological and non-biological which flavors all our decisions.
There are definately different levels of obligation in terms of child care mainly because I have two kids with one guy and one with another. Each father takes prominance in their children's lives, naturally. They defer to each other in terms of major decisions but mundane ones they handle according to the boundaries we have discussed as a family. It keeps the whole yours, mine and hers feeling to a minimum and each child knows they can go to any of the three of us about anything and we'll discuss it and decide together on appropriate action. We follow the same united front that most successful parents have with their kids, if we disagree we handle that in private so that we don't allow the children to run the household. We try to follow the same advice given to blended families and it seems to work the best. It's not always perfect and we fall on our asses quite a bit but we are committed to trying to do right by our kids and by each other.
Those questions that you ask are all items that would need to be discussed in the polyamorous relationship. Most poly relationships that I have been around tend to start with less communication and clarification as to roles, but in order to be successful those things eventually HAVE to get defined for all parties. There are many different levels of committment and 'obligation' in poly relationship, just like in monogamous relationships. When I was monogamous if I had a boyfriend that lost a job that doesn't mean I would have taken care of him. It would have depended on the depth of the relationship, the amount of history and level of expectation. Just like there are many different levels to a mono relationship, so is there to poly.
There are different levels of commitment, but when you get married, you make it clear that you are committed to staying together in good times and bad. How do polyamorous couples handle this question?
Block is saying that being in a polyamorous relationship helps her handle hard times and parenting issues. So what is the level of the commitment?
