Polyamory: What If You Keep Falling In Love?
In an open marriage, what happens if your husband or girlfriend falls in love with someone else?
A writer from AOL interviewed me a month or so ago. The interview was posted on their health page for a week or two and then when a piece on polyamory came out on Newsweek.com, AOL moved my interview to their homepage. Within a matter of minutes, my inbox was bursting with comments and questions; the interview itself had more than 1500 comments posted on it. I would love to be able to email every single person individually, but since that would be humanly impossible, YourTango.com has been gracious enough to let me answer questions and reply to comments here. Be sure to check back regularly for new discussions, and, when you do, I hope you'll write in your own comments and questions as well.
Read "Portrait Of An Open Marriage," the essay that lead to Jenny Block's book
Hi Jenny,
I haven't read your book yet, I actually stumbled on the article on AOL about it and got involved in your interview Q&A's.
Until I can get your book, one question did come to mind after reading your interview.
I get and understand what you are all doing and think if it works, awesome. However, I wonder what will happen if your husband happens to also fall in love with another, outside of you and your mutual girlfriend. Have you all thought about that yet? Or for that matter, what if your girlfriend or you all fall in love with another? Will your family just continue to grow? Have you all discussed this possibility, which is real, on one or all of your parts?
I'm just curious. I get you're all kinda wingin' this relationship as you go, but it's really the first question that popped into my head and I'm just curious.
This is an excellent question and it is certainly something we have all considered—a lot. Just to be clear, although they are very good friends, my husband and my girlfriend are not in love or involved with one another. And my girlfriend and I are very much in love. The thing is, we don't think of love as a limited commodity. So, falling in love with someone else is not so much of an issue. Jenny's Husband: My Wife Sleeps With Other People
Discussion
I am in a triad right now with my husband who is more of a swinger but open to polyamory, and a lover who is committed to me and my husband as a life partner to me. With my husband it is quite likely that he will develope and experience a quick-silver type of encounter (after making sure all parties are safe, sane and interested in safer sex practices) this works for him and has left him a much calmer, more affectionate and stable person than he was previous to our admitting that we wanted an open marriage. Sex is not an issue with him anymore and our sex life has been much richer. He has had intense love affairs and when he is in the middle of them he is such a joy to be around, quite contrary to all the preconcieved notions that people constantly throw at us. He has expressed that he loves to watch me with my other life partner as I reflect to him what I look like to others when I am with him. I look like a woman who is well loved and glowing. He cherishes this and cherishes the fact that my lover allows him to sit back and just bask in the glow. The jealousy has been more about time management as we have two kids and one on the way but it's easily dealt with by a simple talk and readjustment.
If either of my men were to find someone who they love then we would all celebrate that fact and then work through whatever comes up. It's what we've always done and after 20 years with one and 5 years with the other I can't see anything changing.
Polyamory is not about not being able to control one's "passions" or sex drive. It's about the desire to love more than one person, totally and competely. It does not lead to a shortage of time, energy, money or any other commodity when all partners are honest and willing to discuss all these issues.
My husband has lovers casually and I have a committed long term relationship which has resulted in more children. My husband supports our family when it is needed and my lover supports our family when it's needed. It's a partnership that has afforded us the opportunity to have the children my husband and I wanted and couldn't have and it allows me to fully participate in a love affair which gives my lover the children he wanted to have with me.
Our arrangement allows me to stay at home 100% of the time with our children whom I homeschool so our children have never had a time where they have missed any of their parents. Our home is full of parent-child interaction and when our adult processing takes place there is always one adult available to comfort and care for the children. It means less messy fights and fewer scared children.
Time management becomes paramount in a polyamorous relationship but it's not any worse than time management in a two parent working household....I've done both and neither is easier or worse.
Oh and polyamory isn't polygamy...both of my men are very successful at their jobs and make a wonderful living for us. I chose THEM they were not chosen for me. Polyamorous legal marriage would simply allow me the right to express my love for them openly and publically...which I do anyway so it's not really necessary.
As for denying wants and needs building character I submit that denying anything gives it more power to control your life. If the desire takes over it will ruin everything...but if it's just a passing curiosity then by all means ask questions of people who are making it work and use the thinking side of your brain to ponder your place in the cosmos. As for myself, having been an "A" type personality my whole life I have no problem with character building self denial...denying love doesn't build character it builds mental disease.
I may not have needed to accept another man into my life or accept my husband's desire to have other sexual relationships but I did have the desire and I have not regretted it, nor would I change anything except I think I'd have done it sooner when I realized we were miserable as a couple and yet we didn't want to leave.
Choices have consequences. Some choose to kill. So, should we eliminate restrictions on them? Limits build strength and character.
The choice to control one's passions is a choice to build character. Our world could use people with more character and less boundariless living.
It's a major red herring to compare the "choice" to kill vs. the "choice" to me polyamorous. What's next, the "choice" to be gay?
The need to have more than one relationship your life is either something you have, or you don't. It's not a judgment call, moral or otherwise. And trust me, you have to control your passions MUCH more in a poly relationship than you do in a monogamous one. You also have to be more open and honest with yourself and others, otherwise it just won't work. Limits don't form character, honesty and open mindedness do.
P.S. This is from a guy who was married for 9 years before getting dumped and is now much more happy in a poly relationship (even though I'm not the one that is active), in case someone might question my ability to know what I'm talking about.
I have a hard time believing that people really need more than one romantic/sexual relationship. I can understand why they want it, but I don't really believe it's a need. I see it as a choice between controlling those feelings versus controlling jealousy, etc.
I also believe that limits do form character. That doesn't make it the only way to form character, but I believe that making the effort to be sexually faithful/monogamous can lead to personal growth and development. I guess I would have to say I think the different kinds of relationships form different characters. (I don't mean that in a negative way.)
The whole "need" or "want" of polyamorous relationships seems somewhat outside the argument to me. In the same way I don't think anybody can really "want" or "need" to be gay, it's not a question of desire, just the way someone is.
Either you are built to be poly or you aren't really. Each has it's own challenges, but more importantly, each is perfectly valid and all should be respected equally.
As far as limits building character, I see your point. We all limit ourselves in different ways, it's just very different depending on the type of relationship structure you practice. As you said, one of the biggest hurdles in poly relationships is controlling the jealousy response (which actually has far more to do with self esteem and introspective exploration than most people think), which can certainly lead to as much personal growth as being able to control our "base" instincts towards multiple partners in monogamous relationships. It all depends on what kind of growth is more important to you as an individual, not to what society says you should value.
In short BookMama, I agree with your second point ;)
I think the growth in monogamous relationships is about more than controlling one's lust. Controlling your lust is what makes it possible to stay monogamous. The growth for me has had to do more with developing a truly deep attachment to one person over a long period of time. I think being monogamous forces you to go back and work on the relationship instead of letting things slide.
I have also, of course, grown a lot as a person by being in a relationship. Perhaps that could happen in different kinds of relationships. Having lived in communities, though, I think people probably develop different kinds of personalities to deal with conflicts in a group vs. conflicts in a dyad. (I would not enjoy having to living in a community.)
I'm sure I've commented on this before, but I don't think jealousy is just a response you can learn to not have. I think it's a very basic part of human nature, as natural as love and lust. I don't think it's just about self-esteem. (To the extent that it is, I've seen situations where a guy was so sure of himself that it was a little obnoxious.) One of the interesting differences between monogamy and polyamory is, I think anyway, that monogamists aren't trying to get rid of the lust. They know they may feel it, but they aren't going to act on it. Polyamorists seem to be trying to stop feeling jealous.
Yes, after 61 years of life, kids, marrigage, relationships that could have happen... if I, my spouse (two marriages and 6 kids later), our friends had the knowledge of poly relationships... We never learned about this in highschool, nor did we learn the art of conversation....
What we give and share has a beginning... every relationship is a chance encounter...
In rural Alaska, many times young adults or teenages commit suicide or kill someone if
they believe "their love" was betrayed... sad to think that life can end this way... Teaching about the course of human relationships over our lives... understanding relationships as we age is what we can share with others.
I'm worried when he falls in love in the way that a mother who watches her teenager with his first romance worries. I love him so much that I can't stand the thought of what if this woman breaks his heart? And when it does work out, there's a point at which I breathe a huge sigh of relief, because she's safe for him to love.
I don't get less love. I suppose I get less time, but it's not something where I'm worried about it...I would have been when he wasn't home every night, but we're together enough to satisfy me. We have a date every week that is just "us". I suppose I get less attention from him, but I've got a lover myself, so I get enough attention overall that it works fine for me.
As to the time factor, I'm disabled and work from home, and my sons are teenagers. The ones I don't get enough time with are the kids, what with school and soccer practice and band practice and homework and friends! But we make dates too and spend time together and it's all right.
It is great that you have happiness in this and that all of those involved understand and want what you want. It is always great to hear how others make it work. Happiness is difficult for many. You have the opportunity to spread it around a bit - sounds great. Keep us posted on the challenges, joys, and other events you discover.
Anyone can be killed in a car accident, but I plan to keep my seat belt on.
What I always wonder about is the other people in the V-relationship. If I were in their shoes, I would be looking for someone else so that I wouldn't be too dependent on the person who has two lovers. And then if I found someone who was willing to be devoted to me and only me, I think I would be tempted to leave the V. How can you expect someone to remain committed when they aren't getting as much from the relationship?
As a longtime polyamorous person, my experience is that being the partner of a poly person who has other partners does not necessarily mean you're getting "less" than being someone's only partner -- except if your main metric of the quality of a relationship is time spent living together.
It all comes down to what kinds of connection matter most to you.
If the "secondary" partner in the V also desires a "primary" (living-together or married) relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean breaking up the V.
What I've seen happen a few times is that a person who's the partner of someone who has an existing "primary" partner finds their own "primary" parnter -- and that has strengthened (not weakened) all the relationships. That is, the V turns into a W.
In general, a key difference between the poly approach to relationships and the monogamous approach is that poly people generally don't think you have to end an existing relationship just to start a new one. When poly relationships end, that tends to happen because of unresolvable differences within the relationship -- not necessarily because a new person is in the picture.
But I've also seen situations where the "secondary" partner ends up desiring more of a "primary" style-relationship with the person who already has a primary partner. If there's room to reconfigure life to work that out (as co-primaries), then that can work. More often what I've seen is that people have to admit their limitations, that they can't offer that kind of relationship, and the V breaks up.
Which is why it's important to be clear about what you can offer to, and what you need from, your partners -- EARLY in the relationship, and KEEP talking. And if it's not working for someone, don't chicken out on admitting that. It's not doing anyone any favors.
- Amy Gahran
In my experience, the quantity of time spent together is related to the quality. We need to spend a certain amount of time talking about children, what's for dinner, the house, what we're doing this weekend, our money, etc. More time means we can talk about our days and whatever is interesting to us at the moment.
Similarly, we have to spend a certain amount of time on chores. More time means we can also have family activities like board games, watching DVDs, or going bowling plus hanging out together.
Is that really the case or could it be someone wants more of a good thing? Really appreciates and adores the spouse and wants more of it in life?
I adore my spouse and wouldn't mind another in our life. My spouse has even suggested it would be something desirable.
And why not? I'm curious why we have laws against this and yet divorce, adultery, swinging, even homosexual marriage isn't against the law in a few states (and that list is growing every few months).
If all this (and more) is acceptable in our society then why not this? And I"m refering to consenting adults btw. No force and no under age. All over 18 and of their own volition.
Thoughts?
I'm also writing letters to our politicians on the subject. I'd love to see it decriminalized if not legalized in this country.
Interesting question. Polyamory isn't actually against the law, it's just that it isn't recognized by law as a marriage. If it were, it would be regulated by laws about inheritances and divorce.
Divorce isn't against the law because it's the way the state gets involved in protecting individual rights when a marriage breaks up. Adultery may not be against the law, but it can be part of a divorce proceeding.
I would be against making polygamous marriages legal. Polygamous societies are profoundly undemocratic. The rich men get more women and some men don't get wives. In order for the system to work, the men have to keep going after younger and younger women.
The other problem with legalizing polygamous marriages is that women who didn't really want one would end up being pushed into them. Women are still more dependent on men economically.
BookMama said, "How can you expect someone to remain committed when they aren't getting as much from the relationship?"
"If you compare yourself to others, you will become vain and bitter." - Desiderata
This sounds like there's a singular sliding scale that can be measured determining how 'much' someone is getting. More what? Love is unlimited. Some resources are limited - time, energy, money, etc. But not love. And aren't we talking about love here?
There are many forms and many levels of commitment. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, black-or-white. It's all about people getting what they want and need. If they get that, then it doesn't matter how 'much' or 'little' it is. Everyone is different, every relationship is different. It is unfair to compare them, you will only be disappointed if you do - no matter what your situation.
I have a very practical side. I think if your partner is seeing someone else you will get less time, attention, and sex. There could also be financial losses, including for your children if your partner has children with someone else. That's not even considering the possibility that your partner will go off with someone else and leave you with all the financial costs and problems of a of divorce.
I try to figure out how a working mother has time to be with her lover. Based on my life, the main way a mother of young kids gets time alone is for her husband to watch the kids. I am in no way noble enough to imagine staying home with our kids so my sweetie could spend time with someone else.
As a mother I also wonder how a parent can have enough time to divide between two other people. I have little enough time with my husband and would never consider cutting it in half.
Hi BookMama,
I can understand the challenge in understanding this lifestyle. But after 15 years of a very happy marriage, I finally realized I was Bi. Because our relationship was so good and our communication skills were advanced, I knew I didn't have to be afraid to talk to him. It was very sudden and very scary because I wasn't sure what this meant. I asked question like "Will he leave me? Will he be jealous?" and all sorts more. We researched and talked about it everyday. I never once have ever wanted to leave my husband out of anything. There are so many different types of Poly relationship out there, but for us we want and have had a very successful outcome. It takes time to talk through things and figure out a new balance, it is really like starting a new job, There are finances to consider. As well as time, but when it comes down to it, If everyone is honest and everyone is willing to communicate their needs and wants than it is no different than being with the same person. We have now been together for over 20 years and life is far better.
Recently I lost my Girl Friend to Breast Cancer. There was a lot of time spent away from my primary but what was cool was our kids our spouses supported us. It is hard to lose anyone. To be by there side till the day they die, but you know that it is the most rewarding adventure when you know you are loved for who you are and by many. Yes an intimate relationship takes time to develop, but what matters is the heart and the acceptance of love.
Love is not a commodity, it can not be traded or contained. What makes it bad is when you know that you have a connection and you feel guilty because others don't see it for the love, they just see it as Lust. I was intimate with my girl friend, but we only had participated in the act of sex 2 times in two years because of her medical conditions. I accepted her as she was, not for what time I have with her or for the lust. I think most people think a poly relationship is about having sex or lust, but really it is about growing together.
Most people have poly relationships without even knowing it.
Best Friends. You know everything you feel their pain and their joys,but you don't have sex. Sex does not define a relationship by any means. There is a name for people who just want to have lots of sex with other, and that is a swinger. It comes down to definitions.
I am very much in love with my primary and I share everything and he loves me more. Our relationship has never been better. He chose me and I him. Just like with Holley. It was about being close and having full access to the person not just their body parts. It is religions that spills over into everyday teachings that teach that poly is bad, but in reality poly has been around from the beginning. There are even rules about it in the old testament, It is just not accepted by main stream society.
As for dividing time with children. Just because you have another lover doesn't mean you spend any less time with your kids. In fact both my girlfriend and I have kids. Mine are grown and hers is a teenager, but our kids hang out with us. The know what love is about and just because I love her doesn't mean I am going to act inappropriate in front of my kids. It is the same with my primary (Husband)
I will say I am very impressed by your post. You don't present your self as angry or annoyed but with curiousness an concern. So thank you for that, and thank you for talking and finding out that there are new ways to live life. They are not for everyone, just like being a doctor is not for everyone. But both ways can be and are very successful. I am very glad that we all don't have the same types of relationships because that would mean if you look at statistics today that we would all be divorced. And I don't think that would work out too well. As for Monogamy I am Poly-Fidelilious. . Which means that the people I am in a relationship with, I am faithful and committed to and they have full knowledge of who I am with and what my intentions are. It works for us and my life, sex life and intimacy has never been better.
But I will say that I am very impressed by the fact that you are open enough to talk about this subject. So again thank you.
