Are We Programmed To Fight With Mothers-In-Law?
The odds aren't in our favor, says study. But why?
I've been married all of 11 days now and, as if on cue, the day my husband (still very much getting used to saying that!) and I tied the knot, he stopped putting the toilet seat down. I ignored it at first, but by our first weekend together as a married couple, I couldn't stand it any longer and said something to him about it. I made a jokey comment about his sudden change in behavior—more embarrassed than pissed at being such a cliché so early in our marriage. After over three years together, surely he must realize if there’s one thing I wanted to avoid in marriage it was being a cliché, but I suppose the lesson here is that that's a lost cause for any married couple, even those of us who think we're so "modern." The Frisky: Girl Talk: Is It Bad To Live Together Before Marriage?
One cliché I will be able to avoid, though, is the terrible mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship so many women have. My own mother-in-law passed away long before I got a chance to meet her, and while I'd love to think we would have had a wonderful relationship—if her sons are any indication, she was a terrific woman and I hope she would have approved of me—the odds, apparently, aren't in our favor.
A recent study of "hundreds of families has revealed that nearly two-thirds of women complain they've suffered long-term unhappiness and stress because of friction with their husband's mother." During the research, which was conducted over two decades, "women accused their mothers-in-law of showing unreasonably jealous love towards their sons." For her new book What Do You Want From Me? which publishes this month, Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist, interviewed more than 200 people, including 49 couples, and "attended family parties and get-togethers so she could observe women with their mothers-in-law and scrutinize the family dynamics for herself." The Frisky: Dating Don’ts: When His Parents Hate You
What she discovered is this: "Both the mother and the wife are struggling to achieve the same position in the family—primary woman. Each tries to establish or protect their status. Each feels threatened by the other." Apter says that many problems between wives and mothers-in-law are based on expectations and assumptions. The daughter-in-laws assume their MILs are judging their homemaking skills, and MILs fear that everything their son's wives do differently than they way they did it, from child-rearing to cooking, is a "rejection of their own choices." The Frisky: Man Kisses His Mother On The Lips, Grosses Out Wife
Discussion
I felt judged by my mother-in-law. To some extent this was because she criticized everyone. I think some of the reasons she judged me had to do with the fact that I was her son's girlfriend and she wanted a different kind of woman for him.
I never felt that we were competing to be the head of the family. She was clearly the matriarch of her family. On the other hand, most of the time, my sweetie and I were our own family and she was not the head of it.
Three things changed her attitude towards me: marriage, kids, and time. Once we got married, she seemed to realize that I was there to stay and she should try to get along with me. Then she really liked our kids a lot and I think she approved of me for that. Time, well, I think she got used to me and saw I wasn't so bad.
