How I Became A Divorced Virgin
A five-year marriage with no sex: the true story of a divorced virgin.
I was twenty-nine, single again after a five-year marriage, and a virgin. When I met my now ex-husband Mike, I had just turned 21. We met at small Catholic liberal arts college, and even though I no longer believed in Jesus, the Saints, the Bible, God, really any of that. I was a virgin then, and I was a virgin when we divorced.
When I was younger, I'd wanted to stay pure, and had managed to protect my virginity despite all the high school guys I'd went out with, and the ten or so guys I'd dated in college before going out with Mike. My policy was to wear a Virgin Mary pendant on dates, just to be sure that the guy knew I was waiting. Granted, I still almost lost it in the front seat of David Horowitz's car the summer before junior year of high school. I almost gave it up for him, and I let him put his hand down my pants, but I had to draw the line. I certainly wasn't going to do it with some guy who was going away to college in a few weeks, and I wasn't going to lose it in his dad's beat up Ford Escort. That wasn't how I imagined it at all.
Every guy I went out with wanted to sleep with me by the third date, and every one of them lost interest when I wanted to wait. I just hoped to be in love first, but clearly that wasn't fast enough. Love and sex, I thought. Is that so much to ask for? Give advice: How do I tell him I'm waiting for marriage?
By the time I met Mike, I was starting to wonder if date three might be good enough, even for me. But after our third date, he told me that he wanted to wait until we got married. I couldn't have been more shocked, but as I got to know him, it made sense. Mike was good. He was Christian, I mean a real Christian: the kind that goes to mass every Sunday, the kind that fears God, the Little House on the Prairie kind. Plus, he was a supportive friend, so much kinder than anyone I'd ever known. He volunteered at homeless shelters and sang in the Church choir. He read all the right books, led several community groups and wanted to teach less fortunate children.
We got along great, but sometimes, we would be alone, and, naturally, I wanted to make out. I wanted a repeat of what happened with David Horowitz in the Ford, only I wanted it with a good guy, someone who loved me. But making out with Mike always felt so mechanical. Though I wasn't that experienced, the other guys I'd been with usually got me so excited, so lost in the moment that all that stood between me and his penis inside of me was that Virgin Mary pendant. None of that ever happened with Mike. I was always able to concentrate, think clearly and keep my cool. It was so refreshing not to be the teary, hysterical mess I was with the other guys that I thought, maybe this friendship is better than sex. And how would I know? I had never had it.
Discussion
I think if a couple is having a lot of trouble achieving penetration, they should think outside the box a little. They could use fingers and sex toys to penetrate the woman so as to prepare her. They could gradually use larger sex toys or more fingers. Once they know the woman isn't too tight and she is able to relax, it would be easier to penetrate her. This could also split the problems into two separate issues to deal with - one the woman relaxing, two the guy being able to get it up. It might also relieve some of his worries about getting it up and/or arouse him.
I can't believe i'm not the only crazy women
I have a very similar story, except I'm still married and looking to divorce soon
I'm 34, was 30, virgin when i got married
I did have some, little experience but not penetration
we've been trying for more then 2 years until we lost hope and now stoped even trying
my husband had a problem with premature ejaculation
but I kept trying because the doctor said it was a problem of inflamation and treated it ,
and then sometimes, when he used cialis he was better but still we never achieved penetration.
I thought i had a problem, but I don't think so
he is just too in a hurry when he comes because he is too scared to finish quickly , that he dosen't allow me any time to relax, i do open wide, i can feel it, but i need some times
specialy that we had a bad relation together due to all this stress
add to that my bad experience that made me not want to try anymore
he not only ejaculate too early but also used to leave me in the middle of it suddenly, and never cared how i feelt I could tell he not only didn't have any experience but also didn't care to read or know anything about how women feel
I do understand you tryed with the first man you met after
cause i feel i will do the same
it's just a way to know if you have something wrong, after tooooo much thinking and questioning yourself you need to know the truth
you need to know you were fair to him and that it's not your fault
you need to put your mind to rest for a little
I would go and try with someone else now, except i don't want to loose my right to divorce in the church
I fiighted to much for this virginity and i deserve it to protect me nowww
I went through lot of ups and downs and perioed where i would think it's my fault cause i lost my interest in sex, but now i'm pretty sure i have nothing wrong
i need to move on
I still feel the guilt cause i feel it's not his fault he has something wrong but at the same time it's killing me
I keep asking myself if he knew it before marriage
i keep saying maybe i'm too tight but i go backand say he never tryed to help me
never tried to make me happy even with other ways
he might be a good person but not a good husband
i feel bad
and still ask questions
what happend with you when u used to try, did it bend?????? or did you fell like you are blocked
or was it not hard enough or quickly ejaculate????
please help meeee
did he try other stuff , like oral or so ?
I'm glad you are out of it
we, only know how stresfull it is and how it impacts every aspects of the relationnn
sorry to make it sooooooo long
I needed to venttttt
unfortunately,I can relate..I have been married for the last five years to a guy who wouldn't have sex before marriage for religious reasons.Its not quite as bad as the writer,but not far off.He has a small penis and premature ejaculation.After reading a book,we tried the 'exercises' but it made it very boring and not at all passionate.Now I have completely no interest in having sex.Its been at least six months.I feel very bad about it,but what is my obligation as a wife? I think the writer did the right thing by leaving,and perhaps if he couldn't do it at all,it make it easier for me to leave too,but like the writer,other than this,hes a good guy.
First off, I'm not sure if this story is real or not. I have to say though, I can't believe you put so much effort and emphasis on staying a virgin through high school, college and marriage only to give it up to some wanna be Native in a one night stand.
If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you were just joking with us when you say you thought you were impenetrable. It's not Fort Knox.
Did all this happen before the internet? Any women that wants sex so badly, without love, would've bought a vibrator. Why didn't you try that while married to the man you loved, or go to the doctor to see if either of you have a condition?
I really don't want to be rude here, I'm a guy so I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but from my view, I can't believe you're so content with yourself for turning your back on everything you wanted when you were younger. You have friends for close bonds and support and use "lovers" for the simple fact of sex not caring that you have no emotional connection with them. What does that make you? How do you think you'll ever find actual love if all you see in men is your next orgasm?
I dont think this is a real life story !!!To many things in it dont add up.Come on in this day and age there are virgins , yes but not being able to have sex after trying for years!He dos not need to be hard to get in if that big and there are sure fire ways to get him ready,so nope dont believe this one.But will say it was a interesting story !
Oh, and what is up with this "barrier" crap? I have had guys complain about the whole way-2-tight-4-comfort thing but thats all muscle. I don't and never had a fortress down there! I know about hymens and all but that is just a membrane and most of us don't even have one, never, not even at birth. Am I the only one that has taken anatomy?
1) Hymens vary considerably. There are even some women who need medical help to get rid of it.
2) A nervous woman might clench her muscles and make it virtually impossible to penetrate her.
However, in this case, the author had no trouble being penetrated when she found another guy. I would guess it was more a question of what was going on with her husband's penis.
Congrats, you want what every other woman, single or married, has been searching for but you are just getting a late start. Almost all of us go through the awkward-don't-know-what-to-do-or-where-to-put-it stage but most of us don't hang on to our childhood quite as fervently as you have. Most of us get rid of or virginity these days and then we move on to hopefully bigger better pastures. I think that holding on to virginity is like saving a twinkie, it will still be around but it wont get better with age... if anything it gets more difficult to stomach and hell if anyone else will want it. Im not saying you should jump on the first guy that walks by with a hard on at 12 years of age but you have to start living at some point, the longer you hold it off the more difficult it is going to be to adjust to having a sex life. Not to mention you are in your thirties and just now discovering faults with dating that I found out at 15 and Im still single. (not that I really want a relationshit) Maybe you will find a great guy that thinks that inexperience is cute or even endearing but its highly unlikely. We all want someone to share our interests with that we can make stellar moves with too, but that kind of thing isn't going to happen for everyone. Until you find it all I can say is keep your options open, don't relate with the first guy who shows interest a little interest and can make you swoon. Enjoy getting the experience of sex, like a fine wine that comes in many flavors and textures, surround yourself with a lot of close girlfriends that will provide you with non-sexual human interaction, and even help pick up the pieces after a harsh rejection.
You are not more grown-up or more knowledgeable about relationships just because you lost your virginity earlier. Don't insult people who choose to wait. It's a highly personal choice that often involves religious or spiritual values.
There are guys who like experienced women and guys who like women who wait. Stick to your own values and look for a guy who shares them.
Your prescription for looking for love at the end is frankly depressing. You seem to expect to get sex and rejection from men and look to girlfriends for love. Life can be a lot better than that.
I don't think that her ex is gay. I've heard of more than a few guys with this problem. I think that it is more common than you think. It sounds to me that there was something in his sexual past that made him deathly afraid of hurting her. Her fear of having sex was pretty evident. Maybe he had a previous relationship with someone that was previously sexually abused, emotionally abused at home, or there was some sort of "sex is scary, and so are men when they are horny" vibe with his mother and/or sisters growing up.
A vast majority of guys face this problem at one time or another, if we date for a few years. Most work their way through this issue by carefully and gently trying-out sex on a purely mechanical, non-emotional level first. This usually turns the woman off, and can kill the relationship, but allows the guy to work through those issues enough to try again with the next woman that he is serious about.
He did not date-around that much before they met, though. After the "I'm going to hurt her body, and her feelings if we do this" pattern was firmly established, probably during or right after the honeymoon; the dye was set. She was afraid and freaking out, and so was he.
I DO think that they went to the wrong marriage counselor. Not all marital problems can be reduced to how much you emotionally care about each other, relationship power dynamics, or money.
Ummmm yes it IS possible for someone to be naieve enough not to realize that her husband/best friend has an issue with sex that is best left to a professional. No it doesn't make him automatically gay, and wanting to work with underpriviledged children is not an indicator of sexual orientation either... Having a large penis is a very hard thing to manage when you are a virgin guy, couple that with premature ejaculation and an inexperienced woman and you have all the makings of, ...well, this story actually.
Marriage involves intimacy and sex, when it is done right is the most intimate thing two people(or more as the case may be...) can share. In the Catholic church you are not even truly married until consummation it's that important. To berate someone as a sex fiend or more interested in sex than a platonic marriage is just mean and ludicrous. It shows YOUR problems more glaringly than the author's.
The Catholic church is not the only church to include pederasts and sexual deviants among it's clergy ranks...hell they aren't even the most populous. The Catholic Church is simply the biggest and for the most part the oldest so yes they get scrutiny other churches have yet to earn. Sexual deviants occur in EVERY religion and even in non-religion. Get your facts straight before you attack an institution that comforts and provides spiritual support to millions without any sort of sexual deviancy. That was a biggotted and stupid statement to make.
There are many reasons Mike might have had problems, premature ejaculation is amoung the most prevalent and emotionally damaging conditions to have...doesn't mean he's gay though.
Sex with love is a wonderful, fulfilling, intimate and beautiful thing. It took my husband and I many long years to achieve this dynamic balance so it can happen! Keep your chin up, hun and you'll find what you are looking for. Best of luck to you and yours, Airen
I’m sorry, but my B.S. meter is buzzing like crazy. Unless you were married before Kinsey, the 1950’s, or television, then this story is embellished, or at least there’s no doubt that your husband was/is a homosexual. It takes a lot of discipline for a man, Christian or not to abstain from sex. The drive to mate is natural and unavoidable regardless of how much you ignore it. All one has to do is look at the Catholic priest situation and realize that oppressing your sex drive leads to deviant behavior. Whether or not you are aware of what your husband was doing behind your back is another story. It usually takes years for the truth to surface in such closeted cases. Red flags such as “he wanted to teach less fortunate children” “I stopped him and told him I just couldn't do it. Michael didn't seem upset”, “He could never stay hard long enough to get inside of me” these are red flags that even send the simple wife questioning.
The incongruities in this story are a little silly. “His giant penis” couldn’t stay hard long enough to penetrate you, and when it did he had a pre-mature ejaculation problem. O.k. this works for the laymen or laywomen who may not understand much about penises and erections, but come on…Has trouble getting an erection and has a premature ejaculation problem, on top of his enormous penis. By the way, for those who don’t know, large penises don’t need to be erect to penetrate a woman, especially an “abnormally large” one.
You also say a few things that make me wonder. “I was 28, divorced and, worst of all, still a virgin”. The fact that you are divorced in your twenties says a lot about a person…and it’s negative. Somehow having sex was more important to you than your marriage to your supposed best friend. “After the divorce, I couldn't wait to meet someone who would have sex with me”.
I wonder what all the ladies who’ve actually had great sex with husbands who get injured or wheelchair bound do. I’m sure all of them aren’t thinking about sex after the divorce. Ever heard of foreplay and toys? Five years is a long time to practice having sex. This is a big head scratcher. Your husband could accidently get experience and penetrate you after all that time. I’ve heard of 12 year olds that have sex with less experience and world knowledge than the two of you, but somehow you expect us to believe that Christians are even worse…Especially the ones with counseling, lube, a big penis, and ready and willing adult participants in a marriage of five years. Yeah readers, that was just your B.S. alert going off too. You imply that you needed to buy books “Kama sutra” to get info on how to have sex. Too bad we didn’t have that for a few hundred thousand years throughout the history of humanity. Ignorant Cavemen can do it, but modern educated and willing adults cant. That’s got to be a slogan for some company, somewhere. Overall I enjoyed your post; it reminds me how unbalanced life can be, especially if you consume a lot of baloney.
i know what you mean ....i was defintly not a virgin when i married but when i married i married what seemed to be.....an extension of myself...meaning he was apart of me and i could not live with out him he gives me the perfect amount of love sex and friendship he is my everything and living proof to you that what your looking for is out their some where!
Wow, that was quite a story. I stumbled on this site and your story. Wish you lived in Atlanta!
I have to give the first male poster, The Jester, props for saying this "They refuse to let go of the past and to look towards the future with that special person. When an individual can do that then they will know how to truly love and to have great sex." He nailed it. Its about being aware of what you're holding onto and what stops you, at least for me. I learned a lot from my divorce.
i personally think that if u guys were together for 5 years and ur still a virgin then apparently mike was a looser cuz i dont know a guy that would wait that long especially after being married
No doubt that Mike was gay. I have had no problem having sex with women that did not really interest me, and/or women I really wasn't that attracted to that were in the right place at the right time. The fact that he was ultra-religious and wanted to "wait until marriage" is clue #2. Clue #3 is that he didn't jump her bones on the honeymoon.
So first, this woman was married to a gay man for a while, all the time trying to force him to be straight (a bit naive). After experiencing that, she opts to look for a random sex partner, and then wonders why her first encounter is not "earth shaking".
While there is nothing wrong with remaining a virgin until marriage, her choice robbed her of what everyone with a more virile sex life has found long ago: it takes practice and variety to find the best sexual experience. Saying that sex with love is "better" is not particularly accurate. It is certainly more personal and binding, but it may or may not have the same passion as an animal encounter at the right moment.
I don't think staying a virgin until marriage robbed her of anything. I think the problem is that when she was trying to wait, she felt so pressured by most guys that she was glad to find a guy who wasn't interested in sex. She interpreted his lack of interest in sex to be a sign of goodness instead of seeing it for what it was.
Okay, I guess I'll be the first man to throw his input. Definitely great story. I felt for Carey because I also agree that sex without love (and vice versa) just doesn't work. I am one of those guys who does believe in whole true commitment with love that results in great sex.
The problem is that most people (both sexes) are unwilling to truly see themselves as something more than themself. They refuse to let go of the past and to look towards the future with that special person. When an individual can do that then they will know how to truly love and to have great sex.
Sorry if my comment seems a bit complicated but it actually isn't. Just gotta look beyond yourself.
i couldnt imagine but then againn i wanted kids right off the bat after we got married. i got prego 5 months after we were married
I'm sorry you had to go through that kind or relationship with your ex-husband. Of course is it wasn't you or your vagina - but don't we women always jump to that conclusion first?!
Congrats for being so proactive once it ended. A lot of people would have just withdrawn.
I write a blog about virginity and just yesterday I wrote about a Savage Love column that ran three letters from older male virgins. Their stories are very depressing, but many of the comments were encouraging and empathetic.
I want to believe that creating more openness and community could help many isolated people reconnect to the world and maybe pursue intimate relationships.
that is a pretty amazing story. question for Carey: any chance of rekindling with Michael now that you have broken this barrier?? seems that the tension would be much lower and if he took ED medication, that he'd be able to have sex w/ you. granted it might still be mechanical but with some time and motivation (and assumably the big impaling behind you both), that the relationship could have some sensuality.
I wonder if that was the whole problem, though. Michael reminded me of some young men when I was growing up who were gay but tried very hard to be straight first. Times have changed a lot and I would hope young people feel free to be themselves, but maybe he didn't.
It would probably be worth talking to him about it, either way.
In my experience, love and trust make sex better, but it's also about how long you are together. If you're in a romantic relationship for a while, you learn how to make love to each other.
Perhaps it's different for men, but I think time matters a lot for women.
