Is There A Right Way To Ask For A Prenup?
The Today Show seems to think so. We're not so sure we agree.
Dr. Gail Saltz, relationship columnist for the Today Show, recently received a letter from a woman who is on the path to marriage and wants her husband-to-be to sign a prenuptial agreement.
"I look at prenups with the perspective that, if you expect the marriage to last forever, it should not matter that you signed a prenup because it will never come into effect," the woman writes. "People on the other side say you wouldn't need to sign one if you expect the marriage to last forever. How do you recommend broaching this issue so that my boyfriend doesn't assume I think the marriage won't last or that I don't trust him?" 50% Of Women Regret Marrying Their Husbands
After providing a disclaimer about how she holds no position one way or the other on prenuptial agreements ("That is an individual choice and legal matter"), Saltz gives the advice seeker guidance on how to talk about the topic and why it is necessary. Marrying A Much Older Man Made Me A Better Person
A lot of what she says is excellent—reassuring, clear and logical. But we can't help but wonder: Are reassurance and logic enough to persuade someone who normally wouldn't even consider the idea to sign a prenup? We're not entirely sure. Below are some of Saltz's key points on talking about prenups and our thoughts on them.
1. "If the relationship is too fragile to tolerate discussions of difficult subjects, then I suggest you think twice about the relationship. The inability to communicate openly is the problem, not whether a prenup signals you are already planning a divorce." While we argree with Saltz that communication is key in any relationship, and that being able to talk about difficult topics is crucial, we don't fully agree with her beyond that. Is it really accurate to blame a person's hurt feelings during a prenuptial agreement conversation on an inability to communicate? Doesn't it also have to do with the fact that the topic itself just sucks?
2. "These days, the divorce rate is so high that people are very aware of the possibility that a marriage won't last forever. Even though they enter marriage with optimism, statistics show they could be wrong." Yes, Dr. Saltz, a lot of people do get divorced these days. But knowing the statistics about divorce and planning for one before your wedding day are two very different things.Losing My Husband, Then Learning Of His Infidelity
Discussion
I'm on the fence with this one. I enjoy sharing with my honey, and there are plenty of other topics that we've covered that test our communication skills with one another. Its not like either of us has any significant "measureable" wealth to speak of or to protect (although I'm very protective of my tech toys and electronic media). I honestly can't see her asking for a pre-nup, or almost any of the other women I've dated.
I don't believe I'd feel threatened by it or feel like my partner already had one foot out the door. Some people have been burned enough that they feel like they need to have a couple parachutes on stand-by so that they can feel a measure of safety...but I can see how this would really upset some people.
I think, if the subject were to come up, that the partner being asked should be given time to really study and understand what a pre-nup fully covers, or can cover, and can therefore either have a better argument against it or have a better opinion on what is being put in it.
And, like BookMama says, things usually change after the "I do"s have been spoken and reality settles in.
I would not have agreed to a prenup when I got married and I'm sure I would have been furious if my sweetie brought up the subject. (Not that we had much property at the time!) I don't blame anyone for getting upset if their partner wants one.
On the other hand, I can understand how someone might be afraid of marriage and want one. The divorce rate is high and maybe the person has already been divorced once.
I do think if you already have children or you've built up a business, it makes sense. It's just one of those things where your heart is going to say something different from your brain.
Maybe the best idea is to talk about finances and your future together before you get married. What do you already own and what are you planning to share or keep separate? Although I have found that how you share money can change after you get married, too.
