Is A Woman Selfish For Not Wanting Kids?
Some mothers judge women who choose to lead a life without children.
There's no better way to get everybody fighting than to bring up the "having kids" or "not having kids" debate. The so-called "mommy wars" are a surefire way to make everybody defensive!
But the discussion gets the nastiest and most infuriating when women with kids accuse women sans kids of being "selfish"—which happened repeatedly in the comment section when I posted a joke-y list last week—"10 Reasons Not To Have Kids Now...Or Ever"—which was pegged to Cameron Diaz talking about childless women. Read: Why Having Children May Wreck A Marriage
Frankly, I was surprised some commenters even went there with the word "selfish." After all, isn't one of the upshots of feminism supposed to be that women have more choices than ever before and each of us is free to do what makes us happy?
Let me be clear: I respect whatever other women choose to do because I'd want them to respect what I choose to do. Kids, no kids, puppies, iguanas, I don't care what your choice is. But I do care about the kind of judgments us women make against one another. And instead of reading the comments on my post and making judgments, I kept having one recurring thought:
Really, what's so wrong with being selfish? Read: True Tales of Sex After Kids
- Women should be allowed to care about pleasing ourselves—and only ourselves—without being judged. What is wrong with a woman being selfish? Really. Think about it for a second. Why shouldn't we be selfish if it means we're meeting our own needs and taking care of ourselves? What's wrong with caring more about bringing pleasure to your own life than anything else? It should not be as controversial as it apparently is for women to think of themselves first if they are not hurting anyone.
Finish reading this article at The Frisky.
More from The Frisky:
10 Reasons Not To Have Kids Now...Or Ever
Once A Cheater Always A Cheater
Is Bad Style A Dating Dealbreaker?
Discussion
I find it might even be selfless at times to not have kids. I mean, there is an over-population problem, so why is it selfish for a woman to not have kids? Because they're saving rescourses for other people?
Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.
If being selfish means being concerned with one's own interests and pursuing one's own happiness then we're ALL selfish. We're all doing what we think is best for us. Giving up time for friends, facials, and shopping so as to have time for changing diapers isn't being selfless because in the long run that person is just taking care of the kids that they wanted to have.
Bottom line: the pursuit of happiness in itself is selfish. Only what brings one person happiness may bring another person misery.
If someone doesn't want to have kids, they're going to be a bad parent. People shouldn't have kids unless they want to.
On the other hand, if you post a list of reasons to not have kids, you're waving a red flat in front of all the parents out there. The list on the Frisky was silly and the reasons mostly boiled down to having more fun without kids. I think if you don't want to be called selfish, just stick to saying you like kids and respect people who are parents, but you don't want to be one.
I'll never forget a while back when my mother looked at me an apologized for having me. And she went on to explain that she felt she was selfish because she desperately wanted to have a kid, but never gave any thought to what problems said child (me) would have in the world.
isn't it more selfish to have kids when you're not necessarily sold on being a mother? While the cases are thankfully becoming more rare, I think some women feel pressure to have kids because it's a "logical next step" and bringing a kid into the world who's not going to be celebrated or properly nurtured seems more selfish to me than choosing to not procreate.
