My Facebook Breakup Was Humiliating—and Helpful
Break up, change your Facebook relationship status to single and watch the support pour in.
"So?" he asked me. "Is there anything else you want to say?"
I was bursting with more: that he could thank his manic ex-girlfriend for gnawing off the root of another of his relationships; that he was an absolute coward for not breaking up with me in person; that he would gain great benefits from the use of Crest White Strips. But I bit down hard and said, "No."
"Good. Well then take care."
"WAIT!" I said. "You should know that right this second I'm heading to Facebook to change our relationship status."
"But I'm driving!" His voice squeaked a little. "Anyway, like THAT really matters."
Oh, I thought, it matters.
Breaking up on Facebook reminds me of a tabloid celebrity split—everyone and her mom (sometimes literally) can read on Monday morning's Newsfeed that you are no longer part of the IaR (In a Relationship) circuit. I could practically hear my sorority sisters' keyboards clicking: "We just met him at the Steelers game! She couldn't keep him more than a few months?"
My ego cowered at the thought of their remonstrations: I should've known better than to get involved with someone younger; it must have been a vicious parting of ways, since I'd deleted him from my friend list; we'd changed our Facebook relationship status too soon.
Though 99 percent of our relationship existed in real time, one could write a book about our online relationship mistakes. For starters, he'd first asked me out on my Wall ("Hey, it was great to meet ya the other night, I'm so glad I found ya here! Let me know if ya still wanna go out on my motorcycle next weekend!"). We looked like Facebook fools. My heart pounded in my throat as I went to "Edit Profile" and clicked, "Single."
When I checked back an hour later he had changed his profile picture, which had previously featured the two of us in happier times, to one in which he appeared shirtless.
How do we save face on Facebook?
Managing a public identity and depersonalizing and distancing ourselves from others are the two biggest reasons users register for social networking sites, according to Kimberly S. Young, PhD, the world's first cyberpsychologist. My case was a perfect example: Right after I went from "In a relationship" to "Single," I felt an urgent need to update my status.
Krissy is the box read. Krissy is deleting old text messages from her phone? Too bitter. Krissy is hoping you're not all laughing at her for another effed up relationship? Too true. Krissy is pondering the meanings of life and love? Too sappy.
Krissy is... Krissy is a new leaf. Perfect—fragile, but surging with new life. In truth I was faking the "new life" bit—I was bleary-eyed and deflated.
Discussion
yeah same thing kinda happened to me, only he didnt say crap, he just happed to have been tagged by his new girl and it was there for everyone to see. Very embaressing, hurtful, etc, you name it. Very STUPID of me to take him back and then bam, same crap, same girl four or six months later. I said screw it, deleted his ass, blocked him, you name it. Hurts at first, but women are survivers. It just takes time, and you probably look back 10yrs of your life and laugh at it.
Deleting a guy off Fb is liberating. After mu sister's ex was a jerk, I deleted him off my friends. She told me I was being childish (she still wanted to get back with him). But I explained that no one who treats my sisters poorly is a friend of mine and the only way he could earn my friendship back was by treating her right. Needless to say, two weeks later she took him off her friends list too.
Its all about who you choose to set as your friends on Facebook. If your account is private then the people that aren't on your friend list won't know a single thing thats happening. If its only your friends on there then they'll know who you are already and it will just be one more tool for keeping in touch. So what if one day you put your self in the IaR ring and the next day you're single again? If its only the people you know on your account then they will know you and be there for you. The ex that cheated on me and demanded that I remove really good friends of mine that happen to be exes from "top friends" list as well as make it obvious that I was in a relationship took forever to change her status from single. Even when she finally broke it off with me to be with the other guy she still wouldn't change her status. Is it really that important? To me, no.
Bottom line, you choose who sees your profiles. Are you just a social network whore looking to add as many people as possible, or are you using it to keep in touch?
Oh, it's so true in these times. How do you announce your status change? You have to do it, but how? You seemed to have done okay, but you obviously knew it was really over. What sucks is those situations where you think you're done, but then you end up back together. Then you have to explain to everyone that you're not flaky, just in love and have worked to resolve things. I have a friend who went through that and it was embarrassing for her and confusing for everyone else in her life.
i think all of this drama could be saved if people stopped using facebook in such a narcissistic way. use it to share pictures, to keep up with people you haven't seen in a while, etc. don't use it as a way to announce everything you're feeling or going through. that's information for your real friends in the real world, not the 300 people who happen to be linked to you.
Are we ready to have REAL relationships now boys and girls . . . seems like a whole lot of high school drama could be eliminated from cyberspace if Facebook became obsolete. Just my opinion.
Uesed for my money,
Sorry, I have to disagree with you. I don't think social networks make people act like "high school drama" I think that is just a part of who we are. But I don't think that Kristine is being all "high school drama" in the story. I think that she is just being honest about a new facet of relationships that we all have to deal with and showing us how instead of being a tool of humiliation it actually builds a community.
When I started dating my husband facebook had just come to our campuses and a MADE him sign up just so he could be "in a relationship" with me. :) We've been married 3.5 years and I still don't think he's made our marriage facebook official.
