My Facebook Breakup Was Humiliating—and Helpful

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facebook break up realtionship status
Break up, change your Facebook relationship status to single and watch the support pour in.

"So?" he asked me. "Is there anything else you want to say?"

I was bursting with more: that he could thank his manic ex-girlfriend for gnawing off the root of another of his relationships; that he was an absolute coward for not breaking up with me in person; that he would gain great benefits from the use of Crest White Strips. But I bit down hard and said, "No."

 

"Good. Well then take care."

"WAIT!" I said. "You should know that right this second I'm heading to Facebook to change our relationship status."

"But I'm driving!" His voice squeaked a little. "Anyway, like THAT really matters."

Oh, I thought, it matters.

Breaking up on Facebook reminds me of a tabloid celebrity split—everyone and her mom (sometimes literally) can read on Monday morning's Newsfeed that you are no longer part of the IaR (In a Relationship) circuit. I could practically hear my sorority sisters' keyboards clicking: "We just met him at the Steelers game! She couldn't keep him more than a few months?"

My ego cowered at the thought of their remonstrations: I should've known better than to get involved with someone younger; it must have been a vicious parting of ways, since I'd deleted him from my friend list; we'd changed our Facebook relationship status too soon.

Though 99 percent of our relationship existed in real time, one could write a book about our online relationship mistakes. For starters, he'd first asked me out on my Wall ("Hey, it was great to meet ya the other night, I'm so glad I found ya here! Let me know if ya still wanna go out on my motorcycle next weekend!"). We looked like Facebook fools. My heart pounded in my throat as I went to "Edit Profile" and clicked, "Single."

When I checked back an hour later he had changed his profile picture, which had previously featured the two of us in happier times, to one in which he appeared shirtless.

Next: How do we save face on Facebook...

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