A Mini-Vacation From Monogamy
Why married men think they've joined the ultimate club.
Married men looking for a loophole that allows for a little sideline action is nothing new. In fact, the idea of an open marriage is as much a part of the new male fantasy as say, a first-round draft pick or a three-point basket at the final buzzer.
But open marriage isn't just a guy thing. Referred to as "monogamy 2.0" or "negotiated wedlock," there's an entire vocabulary dedicated to spouse-approved affairs. Along with the lingo comes a limited permission slip to partake in extramarital activities without getting grounded. Think of Larry and Cheryl David's agreement on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Secure in their marriage, Cheryl gave Larry the OK to sleep with another woman. Once.
It's seemingly a win-win situation for all parties involved despite the obvious head injuries: the unsuspecting third parties, if kept in the dark.
From some men's point of view, having sex outside of marriage not only means more sex for him, but better sex for his wife. According to one man interviewed for this article in Details magazine, "Some of the best sex you can have is after you've gone to the dark side." And by dark side, he means having a one-night stand with a "friendly young publicist."
Dare we ask why on earth a young publicist, friendly or otherwise, would jump at the chance to sleep with a man in a self-described "boring, sexless marriage"? Perhaps it's the potential thrill of post-coital childcare chatter or the opportunity to satisfy someone so clearly frustrated with life.
Whatever the case, as long as there are spouses who agree that "sleeping around helps you value the safety and intimacy of being with the person you really love," there will be friendly people eager to help couples "save" their marriages. We just hope those young helpers know their roles.
Discussion
Sometimes the couple realize that they are interested in exploring more than just each other...and the idea that this is a "young person's game" doesn't pan out. Most of us poly/swinging types are established and in our middle years. We are noticing a swing toward younger folk but that is more about the way we are finally leaving behind the idea that sex should be caged, numbered and controlled.
Lying and cheating is still lying and cheating but an understanding that both parties and their potential playmates can agree can be very loving and very special.
I don't get this. I'm a relationship coach, and what I see are lonely men. Men who'd kill to be married and have a companion and steady sex, even though they may dream of having sex with a different girl every night. Most men don't ever get the kind of wild sex life they dream about - and many men start losing libido and testosterone around 50 - and want to just cuddle. Some men are physical in nature, and sex is part of that. Some are more emotional, and they work sexually just the way most of us women do.
This is a young man's game. And a young woman's game, too - because women "cheat" too. If a marriage isn't strong enough and sexy enough to keep other women at bay, then that's where you start - or perhaps end. Polyamory is all the rage now. Open marriage where you don't lie. Seems to me this is the only way to do it - lying is the problem, not the sex. This is a huge issue - and I think sexless marriage is the place to start with this whole question - and then the nature of a person who would rather lie to his or her spouse than deal with the situation as it stands. Even as a single man or woman - you sometimes pass up the one-night stand or the bad news casual sex (bad news because you know there are going to be strings attached). Big discussion, and thank you for starting it. Rori Raye
Hi
I get it. Many time a spouse will decide that they do not like sex. It is just as lonely as can be. As a male, you feel devalued and cheated. My ex even said I could have others just not bother her. If i was a player that would have been fine. But I am a shy guy with poor people skills. I prefer the lazy approach but now that I am divorced I have to get out into the pick-up scene again. I have standards and most time the women don't like me or I don't like them.
For myself, a vacation with sex would be a big plus. This is not a "young mans" game but for sensual,sexual people this is where it's at. We want and need good sex. With a partner we are attracted to! Also the age does not mean much as the sex drive varies from person to person and by social conditioning. (For instance I am not attracted to the chase) Some men are. But the media would have many women believe that ALL men are attracted to the chase: NOT TRUE!! What is missing for many is how to ask for what they want without offending.
Can I meet you?! Lol What I mean by that is that you share some of the SAME exact views as I've got on the whole vacation with sex. I just had a crazy month of hanging out with this guy that was really attracted to me, I was only mildly attracted sexually or romantically, but would have loved to begin it as friends.
Messed that up, had sex with him, formed a "friends with benefits" agreement that fell through since I stupidly had sex with one of his other friends.
Funny thing is, all the while I wanted to hold out or somehow attract one of his other friends in the process. Not sexually, but I wanted to speak to him outside the party atmosphere where I met all his friends the first time. Even if I haven't been banished by the group I'm sure as hell not going back to a place where I am regarded as a slut.
The problem is finding someone decent to have sex with that is mature about it, as that guy and I tried to do. It all failed because he wanted to start a relationship, but I was not attracted to him enough to even keep the sexual part of the relationship going. I lost sight of the guy I was really attracted to and he ended up calling me a slut for having screwed two of his friends.
Funny cuz the guy I was attracted to I actually tried to pursue, but pursuing doesn't work well for a woman. A woman can be convinced and won-over if she's initially not into a guy. A man knows (or determines early on) if he is or is not attracted to you. Therefore, the chase, (trying not to be too sexist) kind of belongs to, or is more beneficial to the man.
Speaking from experience, I know it's hard to suddenly (or gradually) find yourself in a sexless marriage or relationship. Let just say, as a woman it is the last thing I expected to happen yet here I am.
Our Libidos are as different as night and day (he is fine with once in 3 months where as I am climbing the walls after three days) It's hard to lay beside someone you desire night after night knowing they have nearly no interest. And not to sound like a spoiled brat but it's not fair in a sense. When we are intimate it's very short lived (he has a problem with premature ejaculation that he refuses to see a doctor about. But in his own words, "as long as he get's off he is fine no matter how long or short our love making session is")
This has been going on for over two years and it has done a number on my self esteem.
I too am not someone who wants to go out and have random sex with people I don't really know and have no true interest in, yet I don't want to spend the next 40 years like this either. At my breaking point with him not wanting to seek counseling or really discuss the matter at all I broached the idea of an open marriage.
We talked about it that one time and there's been nothing said on the subject since then. Any advice is appreciated.
WOW I can't imagine how self esteem destroying it must be to be told that your pleasure doesn't matter! You are right it ISN'T fair.
You can try counselling for yourself or try something totally different....invest in some really good high quality toys. Now I am not suggesting that you should relegate yourself to only masturbation but it could give your husband an outlet to continue his deluded idea that premature ejaculation is no big deal. He can use the toys on you, you on him, you on yourself!
There are many good online stores that give great reviews about the toys they sell and they sell them packaged so discreetly not even your mail carrier will know what you've bought. If you are truly stuck email me privately and we can talk about the store I frequent...I just don;t feel right advertising for another site.
Good luck and lots of love, ~Airen
Where is the rest of the article? I could think this up in my own mind. I want to know how people deal with this, and what guys expect from their wives in situations like this.
