Hope is still afloat for us . . .
written 11/3/2008
Leslie and I talked a lot over the weekend and it seems like she is willing to stay with me IF I never lie to her again. Never (I can do that). She asked me to make a list of reasons why she should stay with me. At this point I don't know if she has any reasons herself and wants to know if I in fact want her to stay. I guess it's her way of seeing how much I am committed to our relationship. Anyway, I made a list of reasons almost a full page long none of which included her financial need for me. I agreed to take a lie detector test and seek anger management counceling (I did and apparently I dont have an anger problem :-). Also I made a list of my bad traits I must cease (i.e. lying, brooding, resenting, yelling). She also told me she has been eating her pain pills like candy. The pain from all the emotional upset is really hurting her. She doesn't want to die from all the hurt and pain as it is causing some major pain in her chest and she doesnt know if she has been having heart attacks or what. She says she has lost hope. I don't know what that means exactly . . . hope for her to have a happy life, hope that I won't ever lie to her again.
Leslie asked me to make up a schedule for my trips home as she is unsure of when I plan on returning. I guess that is my fault for not discussing it prior to leaving for my new job but I never have in the past with my ex. It was always me getting into the groove schedule after I arrive at my new job and we would work it out after that. Not the best model but its what I've done. I put some dates on the calender for the next two months and she seems to be happy with them.
She also asked me to develop an options list (i.e. what/where we can do from now on as far as our life together and my work). Five options from quitting and starting over to divorcing. She says its not what she asked for. Not sure what she meant.
The good news is she did a Pilates workout last night after we talked at 500 PM. I interupted her as the NASCAR race ended when I called her after Carl Edwards won. I was sooo excited he won the race I wanted to share it with her. She was surprised but glad to hear from me again. I had worked out earlier in the afternoon and went swimming. We are trying to lose weight and get in better shape for her 30th class reunion next July. Also, just to be healthier in general. It's a good plan.
Discussion
Lying and any sort of deceit ruins any type of intamacy in ANY relationship. I can't help but believe, in reading your blog, how unstable your 'relationship'(?) seems.
And watching a NASCAR race( I guess it's good you're enthusiastic about SOMETHING) is your prime focus today? MUCH to learn. I hope you take that in an encouraging way, because there are much better ways to have a relationship. REALLY. And REAL INTAMACY is WONDERFUL. But I don't think you have any concept of it yet.
And you're almost 50? Decide what your priorities are.
Counseling is indicated. Start with yourself. It can help you to be honest with yourself. You've got to start there before you can truly be honest with others.---Good Luck!
so i was just browsing your page and now im full of curiosity... first i'm wondering are you two married and if so how long have you been married? How long has your relationship been so unstable tiresome and unhealthy.. Sorry it just sounds like the two of you cant stand eachother at all. I noticed you said you had lied to her in the past and apparently that is where her hositility comes from. So may i ask what it is that you have lied about. I ask only because my bf has lied and cheated on me recently and i have forgave him and am giving him a chance to prove that he can be faithful and trustworthy thats something i have never done before. with that being said i can understand her being hurt by your lies whatever they may be but i dont understand why she is so hateful and angry. To me if your that hurt and unhappy why keep trying because the outcome is looking like its nothing more than resentment toward eachother.
