Monogamy Is Good, And It's Here To Stay
Open marriage is not the way of the future, and that's a good thing.
Why aren’t you in an open relationship yet? Carla Bruni Sarkozy, wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, famously "prefers polygamy and polyandry." In July, Reveal magazine quoted Will Smith as saying that he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith allow each other extra-marital dalliances. Oprah did a segment on open marriages. And both YourTango contributor Jenny Block and Village Voice sex columnist Tristan Taormino have brand new books out on open relationships. All of this talk of free love is enough to make chicks who prefer old-fashioned monogamy feel a bit, well, old-fashioned. But if history can teach us anything, the open relationship bandwagon will come and go, which is a good thing because most women still benefit from and prefer monogamy.
Why? Women still generally do more work in relationships than men do and openness requires even more diligence than a regular relationship; women are taught to care more about relationships and risk more for them than men, so non-monogamy raises the stakes more for us. And, despite today’s female open relationship proponents, it’s men who typically initiate and prefer non-monogamy.
The recent rash of high-profile cheaters (Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, David Patterson, Larry Craig) has shown monogamy in an ugly light. People yearn for sexual variety, and now that we live longer than ever, it’s unrealistic to imagine a couple staying together fifty years without a single affair. And in fact, statistics show twenty percent of men and thirteen percent of women cheat on their spouse. But open relationships are not the solution, says Ayala Pines, psychologist and author of Romantic Jealousy, because jealousy and envy are just as hardwired as infidelity. Only a third of monogamous marriages survive cheating because of the jealousy and lingering sense of betrayal, says Pines. And the success rate for open relationships is not any better for similar reasons. "In my experience with open relationships," she says, "the couple goes back to monogamy or else to illicit affairs. Or, it ends in divorce."
Discussion
My DH and I have been married for 20+ years. Now we are empty nesters, but before we got married I made sure he understood my feelings about monogamy and marriage. I truly believe that marriage should be a 1 shot deal, and on that note, we agreed that it was each others responsibility to make each other sexually happy; for sex is a vital part of marriage.
We have an open marriage, are not committed to any type of defined lifestyle but our own. It has more to do with trust in one another to communicate desires and fantasies, to fulfill those said fantasies, and a "in love" bond-that you should have before you get married anyway. Having an open marriage should not be a fad, though I understand your reasoning. That is like saying in high school that "everyone else has a boyfriend so I need one". Yuck! Open marriage is a need to pleasure each other in every possible way. An acceptance and understanding of yourself, your mate, and what is right for your relationship. Not what society dictates is right.
There is not many sexual experiences that we have not done. We have a no list of things one or the other won't do, but can go else where to get; and we have a no list of things that are not allowed. An agreement if you will. Just as binding as our wedding certificate. We explore and research new ideas and knowledge of sex. Happily ever after is what we strive for. Not, happy and married for as long as.
Just My 2 cnts
LyndaW
This article reads like opinion being presented as fact. Not to mention, it's ultimately Cristina who walks away from the threesome in VCB, becoming bored with the sexual variation presented in that relationship. According to Cline, wouldn't the male typically quit the relationship and look elsewhere? Right. So, we can't put gendered behaviors in boxes.
i can see the pros and cons of open relationships but i think it's a huge over generalization to say that men would prefer multiple partners while most women would not. if it weren't for how we are socialized and all of the talking, journaling and psychotherapy involved, i am sure many more women would be up for it.
