Married or Maiden Name: How To Choose
How to choose a last name that satisfies husband and wife.
Married names, like the institution of marriage itself, are not what they used to be.
As women, we've heard all about what we're supposed to do. Whether or not it came directly from our parents, someone told us that taking a man's last name demonstrates that we're committed to our marriage. It's the best thing for our children because everyone knows that a child should have his/her father's last name. Maybe it was an old lady at church, a nosy neighbor, or your mom's friend who always has all the answers.
We've heard about our options and the inherent difficulties that go along with each. If we keep our names, our in-laws will hate us. If we hyphenate, no one will be able to alphabetize it properly; our medical records will be repeatedly lost. If we take our husband's last name, we'll forever feel like a part of our identity was lost, which may or may not be a bigger problem than the missing medical records.
We've certainly heard that
. Many of us spend hours weighing the options—even before we're engaged. We even go so far as to speculate about which celebrity brides will take their husband's last names. Are we hoping that their choices will somehow provide us a glimpse into a magical crystal ball and reveal a time in the future when this isn't so damn difficult?
When I got married in 1998 I was young and in love, but I knew that I didn't want to give up my last name. I spent literally several hours a day thinking about it. I was still in college and so didn't have to worry about a name change affecting my career, but I couldn't swallow the idea that I should have to give it up simply because I was female. I mean, come on! I grew up writing this name on the corner of my schoolwork. It was on the back of my soccer jersey in high school, and God only knows how many times my Mom called it (along with my middle name) when I was in some sort of trouble.
My husband was open to whatever arrangement might make me happy, but the only nontraditional options I knew about at the time were keeping my name or hyphenating it. I looked for professional guidance, but—by the time the stack of wedding books on my kitchen table had grown so tall that I had to eat in the living room—I realized there just wasn't any.
To make a long story short, I took my husband's last name. Gasp! I know, I know. And why did I do such a thing, you ask? Mostly because Utt and Grubb didn't exactly lend themselves to melodious combinations—Grutt and Uttubb didn't cut it—and I wanted our family to have a unified "team name."
was just as awful for me as you might imagine. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach began when our officiant—against my emphatic instructions—pronounced us "Mr. & Mrs. Sam Grubb." I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me right there in the wedding garden. I guess that's what happens when you're proceeding with a decision that you know deep down isn't right for you.
Discussion
I don't get it. The woman in this article is holding on dearly to her last name, a last name that was her father's, I'm sure, and not her mother's.
So why condemn the patriarchy of the last name naming convention, when by fighting to keep your father's last name, you are merely perpetuating it? If you ladies were fighting to have your names changed to reflect your mother's AND father's names, then you'd be making a consistent case.
How about this solution: Man and woman keep their respective names, and children take the last name of the same-sex parent.
wow, you're so enlightened! Just take the guys last name and save your kids the misery.
i think it's interesting that so many of the comments reflect my own experience--of feeling pressured NOT to take my husband's name--rather than the more traditional thing. friends and family were SHOCKED when i decided to change my name, a decision i made purely based on which one was easier to spell. i lost 5 letters!
it's really all about getting to a place culturally where whatever choice people make, it's fine. my choice of name has nothing to do with whose family i like more or making some kind of political statement. in the same way that, say, naming a child after a relative doesn't mean that i necessarily like that person more than others. and besides, it's not about you. it's about me.
Alex - my wedding/engagement ring didn't cost 10K. Does that mean I only have to take the first letter of his last name?
*wink*
Solaris,
Clearly you have different ideas about the value of tradition than my wife and I do. The fact that you somehow equate a couple's decision (yes, my wife and I discussed it) about taking the man's name to slavery and opression is ludicrous and only undermines any point you may have been trying to make.
I expressed my opinion. You responded with insults. Which of us really needs to grow up?
You know I totally agree. I am 1 of the last 3 that have my last name in my family and if my male cousin doesn't have a boy then our name is done. My last name is who I am as a person.
I personally love the idea of hyphenating an entire family's name. As a man in my mid-twenties, unmarried but with the thought crossing my mind ever more frequently these days, I want a woman who will be my equal in every way! I want someone who will be able to think for herself and be able to roll, with or without me. Marriage to me is a partnership, two people working together. Not one entity, but a combination of two different people. In my opinion, our names represent who we are, where we come from, and I think it is unfair of men to expect that women would just give up that part of themselves simply because of what is in-between their legs! I will more than likely be hyphenating my name when I get married!
And Derek, why is it that you think that children with hyphenated names wouldn't be able to think for themselves and make their own naming decisions when they get married!?! Is there any place out there where they could seek guidance in making those decisions?
This is called altra feminism, do want to call it freedom for the women by not taking the name of her husband ? you so called modern women are just lost, they have forgotten to be women, the qualities and gestures that men love to see or the things given to you by the nature, you lost them but you fight for your so called freedom and empty emotions. you feel sick to change the name ? i really don't call him a man who thinks taking wife's name is equality.
Passing along hyphenated names to children is the height of stupidity. Think it through. When "Bill Smith-Johnson" marries "Wendy Jones-Adams", is their new last name going to be "Smith-Johnson-Jones-Adams"? Pity THEIR kids, and what their married names will be like.
If a wife (or a husband) decides to adopt a hyphenated name for themselves, that makes perfect sense, but don't saddle future generations with that, or you're just asking for your family name to be completely abandoned in favor of something sane.
When a friend of mine got married, she decided to keep her name. The only people who were bothered by this were her husband-to-be's parents. They kept bugging him about it until he finally told them, "Mom. Dad. I'm marrying her. I'm not adopting her."
I, too, decided to keep my "original" name when I married at age 30. As a lawyer, I did not want to lose my professional contacts because of a name change, and my last name is part of my ethnic (Irish) identity I did not want to lose. My husband was totally supportive. When our two children were born, we gave them their father's name because we did not want to saddle them with anything nontraditional during their childhood. When the kids started school and I got involved with PTA, I used both last names at their schools so that everyone would know we're a family. This worked out very well until we changed churches, and my daughter asked if I could have the pastor announce us to the congregation under a single name, my husdand's and their name. I agreed, but it confused the people of the congregation who know me professionally and who were unsure WHAT to call me. I have just tried to casually let them know that I sometimes use either name for a variety of reasons, although that just seemed to add to their confusion. My daughter got married recently and took her new husband's name. She was hesitant to tell me of her decision, but I just told her it's her journey. My road was a different one from hers, and my need to forge a new trail need not be the same as hers. I just thank God (and pioneering women like Germaine Greer) we have the choice.
I loved this article! It recapped my own experiences many years ago, except that she didn't address what to do in the case of divorce. In my case I kept my maiden name, then took my husband's name when our SON was born. In my mind I was matching not my husband but our son (should that have been our first clue?).
I kept my maiden name as my middle name, and gave that middle name to my sons as well. Many years later they wanted to know why Daddy didn't have the same middle name as "everybody else" in the family!
LHB's comment seems the best of all: "Do what makes you happy."
Of course, adding to the patriarchal options are some East European and Asian traditions of taking a masculinized or feminized form of the father's name, as in "Ivanovich" (essentially, "son of Ivan") or "Ivanova" ("daughter of Ivan").
My partner and I, while not married, have chosen for now to keep our original names. If children come into our relationship, we'll have to make decisions regarding their last names at that time.
Thanks, Kelly, for an interesting and illuminating article pointing out many of the options married couples can face in choosing names.
Hi Kelly...
Great article! Taking my husband's name, when we married never seemed to be an issue in 1970. Most women getting married back then automatically followed tradition and I did so. But, back then, some women also kept their name or used their name and his, when marrying. I guess if I had it over to do, I would have combined our names as well, because every chance I get, I tell people my maiden name so that they can connect to what family I came from. But, it would have been a whole lot easier to have kept my name and combined it with my husband's name. Thanks for presenting this topic in a good/effective way.
Ok, so it looks like Alex is getting picked on. Let me rephrase... WHY in the world don't more men think about changing THEIR names too? In this day in age, why should women be the only ones who have to deal with this?
Wasn't there a man in California who got a lot of coverage recently for taking his wife's last name?
I think it's admirable that the author's husband hyphenated his name too.
Alex- You insist that you need one name to be a married couple... AND you enlightened us about how hyphenation is stupid. Can I assume then that you considered taking your wife's last name?
Alex, you have a lot of growing up to do. Slavery and denying women and blacks the right to vote were "tradition" at one point--do we keep those kinds of traditions now? Marriage is about SHARING your lives together, not becoming "one entity." I can honestly say that if a man had a problem with me keeping my name then I would not marry him, simple as that. I think if a woman is willing to take a man's name he should be willing to take hers as well--then if they both agree to one or the other or keeping respective names that is cool, too. And if you bought someone a 10K ring then you are a fool.
Taking my wife's last name was never an option for me. I am a traditionalist. I willing am carrying on a long and proud family history and tradition. I understand that my wife has a similar tradition and history. She decided to hyphenate. Our boys have taken my family name to carry on our family history and tradition. My wife's brother and male cousins have the responsibility to carry on her family's name and history.
It isn't an easy choice b/c of the emotional components that are involved. But I think that the women's movement that's been in progress for the last 100 years in the US has given us the right to make the decision that is best for us. I can only trust that everyone, no matter what decision they make, can respect the decisions of others.
Hyphenated names seem great and all for one generation, but beyond that, they are infinitely regressive.
What happens when the author's son/daughter gets married? Heaven forbid the hyphenated son marries a woman with a hyphenated name...
Talk about an identity crisis for those kids! Are you really going to have Utt-Grubb-Smith-Martin (or whatever)? That's just one generation later. Eventually you have to pick something and leave something out.
And if you somehow combine all those names into a "new" last name... you're just pissing off ALL your relatives.
That's the purpose of a last name - one you don't choose yourself, one that stays the same, and one that is passed on generation after generation.
Hyphenated names are a great attempt at equality and sending a message, but the dynamics of a partnership are 100 times more important than whatever is crammed onto your driver's license.
I've kept my maiden name much to the chagrin of pretty much everyone but me and my husband.
My dad never liked his last name and thinks my husband's is far better. My husband's name is fake, he found "Smith" too boring. And my mum's family consistently tells me I don't love my husband but at the same time attacks my mum for "abandoning" their surname.
Do what makes you happy. As for kids, if we have any they'll have 4 names: 2 given, 2 surnames (mine followed by my husband's.) No hyphen, just a choice of names they can pick and choose from when they come of age should the "resource" our names. They could always do what my husband did and reject them all.
Growing up I always knew that I didn't want to get rid of my last name, but I had never really thought about the options. I definitely like the idea of having a team name for my family and I'm really all for hyphenating, but that's something that will have to be discussed in the future when I get ready to get married.
I think that any choice is fine, as long as you and your spouse agree, and you are happy with your decision.
Interesting stuff, this name choosing. I have kept both my name (generally used as a middle name now) and my husband's name. I like to hear how others decide....this very personal decision. Thanks for this food for thought, Kelly.
There are some things that are done because they're traditional. I'd have been horribly offended if my wife hadn't taken my name, and may well have continued living in sin, rather than getting married at all.
Marriage is about becoming one entity. Sharing a name is part of this idea. You're a married couple, not two individuals.
Why not hyphenate? Taken to its logical conclusion, hyphenation is just stupid. In three generations, you'll see last names like Smith-West-OMally-Willaims- Jones-Green. Is that a person, or a law firm?
So you have to pick one or the other. And taking the guy's name is just traditional. Just as it is traditional for the guy to buy an expensive ring for the girl. Women don't typically buy $10k rings for their husbands-to-be.