Living Apart: The Key To Wedded Bliss?
Committed couples who choose two separate abodes are on the rise.
Does having two leases give you a new lease on love? Celina* says she and her third husband, Eric, a newscaster, have kept the spark alive by having separate homes. "It's a marriage preserver," reports the bubbly entertainment writer.
Even after being monogamous for six years, sharing a home, Celina says would have been a "lifestyle shock." Paying rent on two apartments in a doorman building in Manhattan, she admits, is a luxury. Still, she says, it keeps the relationship fun, romantic, and functions like a "pressure valve."
And the two are not alone in choosing to couple, but not cohabitate. Studies at University of Leeds, Oxford and the New York Times, have led this social phenomenon to acquire its own nomenclature, "Living Alone Together" or LAT for short. And it's gaining steam in Europe, too: In the International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, Swedish researcher Dr. Jan Trost reported an increased incidence of Scandinavian LATs. Exact numbers are hard to come by—though the 2007 U.S. Census reported that 30 million Americans live alone, it's tough to determine how many have a steady date a few doors down.
Couples who are LATs place a high premium on romance. Stephen and Kate Robinson, married TV writers in their mid-thirties, have lived on two separate coasts for six years. Since they often only have a weekend together, Stephen say they "try to do special things, so it's like an early-relationship date." Jim, a preppy, twice-married, 74-year-old, father of six, is happily LAT with Jane, a svelte, single mother and teacher, ten years his junior. "When I see Jane, it's always a fresh date," he says, and she agrees: "He puts so much effort into making the relationship romantic—planning our dates and [the way] he writes his e-mails."
Mindful about keeping the spark alive, most LATs are less interested in compromise or negotiation, which are normally part and parcel of any relationship. Overall, they did not cite making concessions as an opportunity for growth, either as a unit or as an individual. "[Eric and I are] far too spoiled to have to negotiate who gets to keep his stuff or what show to watch," she says. She'll watch movies at her husband's place, but grumbles that it reeks of cigars and is stocked with his "sporty stuff." They sleep at her place, which she says "looks like it was designed for a drag queen."
Discussion
It is my belief that we are all being called to look at how we are in relationships in a whole new way. Since most womyn are pretty independent these days, we don't need men to provide for us so far, and so can make choices that protect our personal sanctuary and need for self care.
It's pretty naive to think that living together reduces the rate of infidelity. Infidelity has existed since time began-living together does not stop it. The interesting thing to note is that it is on the rise with womyn more so than men right now. Guess we are no longer willing to put up with men not providing for our emotional and/or sexual needs.
To live in fear of a future crisis happening, and reducing our happiness for today because of it, is not healthy. We could be living with someone, and they could get in a car accident, or have a heart attach while we weren't home. These reasoning's do not, for me, provide enough justification for not living together.
My current live in partner of 2 yrs and I are currently looking at creative solutions that allow for us to celebrate the love we share for one another, while recognizing we don't live so well together. I'm grateful that we have options and can think, and act, outside the box.
I recently wrote a post on my blog about relationship sustainability. (http://www.bliss101.net/relationship-sustainability-myth-or-attainable/) I wish I had thought of including ideas such as this...a future article perhaps!
Living apart in different cities or states creates too many opportunities for infidelity. If you love each other and you marry, you should BE together geographically. If you don't want to live together, why marry?
I wonder if Celina realizes that the chances of her husband Eric surviving a heart attack, a stroke, or a serious accident while at home by himself, are far LESS than if she were there when it happened? It's one thing for this to happen in a regular marriage but quite another when it happens in this "LTA" type of marriage.
I certainly wouldn't have it on my conscience that my wife could have survived a serious incident if I had been there to call the paramedics, but was not because I wanted to enjoy the benefits of live apart from her.