Why Am I Still Single?
New research says there's a reason you're single--and may stay that way.
I was on the phone with my friend Beth, a 31-year-old international sales exec at a major Hollywood film studio.
"I can't believe a four-year relationship could end with us living on two separate coasts," she said, "But he was traveling so much and I finally just told him, 'This is not what I signed up for when I got involved with you.' So, we're officially separated."
She sighed. I sighed.
"Anyway enough about me, what about you, Italian girl? I thought they worshiped American women in the land of pasta and love, why are you still single?"
If I had a euro for every time I wondered that: Why am I still single. It's a question more than half of American women ask themselves, according to a report the New York Times put out in early 2007. This data includes women who live apart from their significant others, but all independent variables aside it's a figure that's rocketed significantly in the last couple decades.
Even as those 57.5 million of us gather round cozy wine bars with our girlfriends, enjoy Bridget Jones nights in sweats on the couch, or pack four different guys into one week (yep, it happens), we're likely to be puzzled over what we may be doing wrong: "That one wearing three carats with the husband more loyal than a black lab—what does she know that I don't?"—or if we actually need partners, as tradition (and Mom) seems to imply.
Jean Twenge is a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable—Than Ever Before (Free Press, 2007) and co-author of the upcoming Narcissism Epidemic with W. Keith Campbell.
Based on recent research she has conducted to learn about current attitudes toward relationships, Twenge confirms, "There is in fact a massive cultural shift at work here." She says the number of women who are romantically uninvolved is a result of one major factor: our culture tells us we don't need relationships.
Call it the "singular-single syndrome": We have it. Twenge recently conducted a study of 200 student participants at San Diego State, and 90% of them answered the questionnaire stating they live by grand individualistic philosophies like, "You shouldn't ever need anyone else to make you feel complete" and "You have to make yourself happy." Read: Can You Buy Happiness?
Based on this study and a handful of others Twenge has conducted in the last few years, she concludes that today's young adults feel they need to be completely self-sufficient in their happiness.
The fact is, young American adults view deep emotional involvement with others as weakness and dependence. It's not just that our culture accepts and accommodates the single lifestyle now—it's that it actually disparages the individual who isn't focused solely on her own personal advancement.
Discussion
It's ok to be single. Being single gives you a chance to figure out what you want and need out of a relationship to be happy in it. And being in a relationship is fine too, but if you're in a relationship that you feel is going nowhere and he/she isn't worth it, why stay? Some people stay with someone just because they're afraid to be alone or that they won't find anyone else. Some shouldn't settle for the first person that comes along just for temporary lust. And I'll admit, more and more people aren't settling but there is the select few that do just so they don't have to be alone. All i'm saying is it to not settle for less. That's when people end up unhappy.
Different points of view, that's their choice to be single or not. Most singles... , the reasons behind, is fear to hurt, failures to raise happy financially stable family, or they are happy from their successes, their fame, variety of sexual experiences, and or want to escapes from family responsiblities,
Lyz, since I wrote this story it's amazing how many different types of people have responded to it. Men and women, married and single, young and old. There's still no perfect answer to why so many of us are single, but I can say that when I moved back home and grew close with my family again, I began meeting a lot more guys, simply because I felt surrounded by love and secure. I think as long as we're putting ourselves in situations where we're reassured by the caring of others, where we can occasionally let our guards down, then we are more likely to move closer to finding that right person.
My story The Love Life of a Boomerang Kid for YourTango speaks to the topic of moving back home to family as well, for those of you pondering that issue.
Such great comments, everyone. Thanks for widening my author's scope.
I agree with what you said about young American adults seeing being deeply involved in relationships as a sign of weakness. Even being close to your family, as in not moving out, is seen now as a sign someone is socially messed up. I don't understand it, what's so horrible about having a relationship with your family past 18?
Yes, perhaps most people would suggest I should've moved out by now, I'm 27. I also have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, so it may just be I really can't get the idea of why I'd be better on my own without the support of my family, cause of that.
I think it's all so stupid. Like, the whole OMG kids are coming home from college thing! I remember when parents were more concerned about their kids not coming home from college, you know with the fears over frat or sorority house initiations and too much drugs and drinking. Now it's like, if your not giving your child a swift kick in the rear when they turn 18, and sending them off to college to fend for themselves, your a bad parent. I think it's entirely the other way around.
I mean, if children are being taught that depending on your family is a sign of weakness, why should they think that depending on another person in a relationship would be any different?
I'm a Born Again Christian, I don't smoke, drink, don't have or want kids. I don't fit or belong to a weekly church building, I'm a vegetarian of 10 years and seek a veggie for a wife someday, I love horror films, my home decor taste is along the lines of gothic/ renaissance mix. Oh and I like to keep my house super clean, I'm a neat freak.
Why am I still single. ? Any questions? LOL
Not complaining, I would not change who I am, I like me I just want to find the ONE woman who will compliment me in all ways.
Me I was very single for years and also years I want without a mate (roughly from 16-20 years old now I'm 22). I began thinking it was the way I looked. I thought I was ugly, or dumb, or wasn't good enough for the person I though I wanted to meet. When I got older my problem was I didn't know myself. I didn't know how to look good in me. By that I mean I didn't have confidence in the person God made. I'm not the most religious person but I do believe in God. If you truely believe in God (I dont want you to think im questioning your faith because this is far from it) then be confidence in the man God made you and not in a man. He'll make sure you have what you need in life when He wants you to have not when youu want it this I've learned over time. You just have to be patient. Nothing is ever good if it happens too fast and if it does its probley something wrong with it. I don't want you to change who you are but if your gonna live for God then do so. Don't stop going to church because of man because thats not why your there in the first place. DO everything to please God not yourself and you'll get far more than u bargined for. You souund like you know yourself thats the first step to confidence. If u wanna talk more friend then hit me back. LATER HOMIE.
Thank you for the reply Lyz. Honestly I don't fit into the churches because to be blunt I see most of the churches today as many people do. They really are more concerned with the who's who in the church building and how much money it brings in rather then really preaching the Bible and letting that be the focus. I went to one church, only to be looked down upon for some of my interests and how I dress. I speak to people who are interested on a daily basis about God but as far as being in a building on Sunday, I've never fit in.
I pretty much just go on about my daily life but I don't go out of my way to meet women. I do meet some women at malls sometimes when I'm out and about but that never tends to go far. I don't go into bars because I don't drink and the smoke bothers me.
At this stage of my life I'm putting myself out in the field as much as I can but I won't compromise who I am in anyway so I'm trusting God that if it's his will, then I will meet someone and if not then I will have to accept staying single.
I just have to accept that I may or may not ever meet someone.
Thanks again for your reply Lyz. : )
Gauntlet
Wow...Dude, no offense, but maybe it's just that your super power is that you can bore criminals to tears.
So you want a Christian, vegetarian, non-smoking, non-drinking woman? But you don't go to church, and don't want any children? That's a bt of a contradiction, I'm pretty sure.
Good luck with that, you're gonna need it probably.
I swear, I'm not always a troll, just every other thursday that is divisible by 17.
Keep looking and you should be able to find a faith community that works for you. Have you tried some less mainstream Christian groups like Church of the Brethren, Mennonites, or more Conservative Friends (Quakers)? Or groups like Catholic Worker.
You could also look for some vegetarian organizations, although I think your chance of finding a Christian vegetarian is higher at church than at PETA.
churches are as varied and as diverse as the women out there and its not fair to judge them all based on a handful of experiences. but if you are looking for christian women, they are at church. no if ands or prayer are going to change that.
your odds of finding a non-drinking, non-smoking girl at a bar are pretty terrible. and the mall, well. that's only a good place to pick up teenagers.
M Joseph Miller II and his 2 cents.
Its simple.....YOUR SINGLE BECAUSE YOU DONT SETTLE!
Yes folks I said it! I know in todays age we are not suppose to say that but look at it this way....all of us have been in relationships good ones and bad ones. We have all dated the hot guy or gal and the not so hot ones...even if only for the "Booty-call" or while "Drunk'Dialing".
Some have money, some dont, some are educated some are not.....shoot for the stars and if you come up short, at least your out in space somewhere with a pretty decent person. As humans over the last fourty years or so we say, we dont need anyone and that if we do its a bad thing. Its not.
Simply this...do what makes you happy, and dont listen to anyone else...if you want to be in a relationship...be in one....this is more true for women, because there is always a man that will be with a woman...cant say the same for us men. When is the last time a woman saw a sexy guy standing at the bus stop and pulled over to offer him a ride....probably doesnt happen all the time. On the other hand I know many successful men including myself whom have stopped and offered a woman a ride, just because she 1st, was beautiful, then later got to know her and ended up dating her.
Women are more picky than men...I get a compliment from a woman every now and then....but I would guess that even the not so hot women get some guy hitting on them at least once a week, (At the mall, gas station, grocery store, starbucks, school, office etc.) unless she resembles a relative of Shamu! As a man, with a good job, decent assets, in good shape and locally popular, I have to be the wolf and hunt.
I understand though, the flowers dont uproot themselve and chase after bees....but if the flower rejects every bee that comes along, dont be surprised if the species of plant doesnt survive!
And one last thing. look in the mirror...guys are superficial so do you need to loose some weight, or get rid of a attitude? You know that one commonly characterized as b!tchy!
M Joseph Miller II
I'm not a successful guy. At least, not in the way outlined in the article or by some of the other comments. My salary would barely pay for a decent place to rent and some food each month for me and a partner while I'm still paying a student loan and a car loan. There really is no "higher" position for me to move to in my company...the only means of really advancing myself would be to jump on with a different company or start my own business. I have no real drive to work towards a six figure salary or more than that aside from the thought that it would be nice.
The kind of success outlined in the article is not so important to me. I want to be able to earn enough to live a comfortable life and to take care of my future family. Thats the breadth and scope of my financial aspirations.
The kind of success I do have, the kind that actually takes away stress instead of adding on to it, is in relationships.
I'm easy on the eyes, but I'm not what I would call good looking in a model sense or anything like that. I am currently the heaviest I have ever been (5' 10" and 195 lbs), which disturbs me to no end (ai3di I understand exactly where you are coming from, even though I know I'll still look like a toothpick next to you), but my GF thinks I'm hot. I have no abnormally high levels of charm or smooth talking social skills, or even some innate ability to make people laugh...I'm actually on the quite side.
I have no real skills that would make me "superior" in getting into relationships, but I've had a lot of them none the less. I've dated many different types of women, from the needy and greedy to the success driven and ambitionless. I've dated women older than me (minimum difference of 13 years) and I've dated some younger than me (ten year difference).
My success, what has never made my lack of financial success an issue, is the value that I place on inter-personal relationships. There is only so much that we can do on our own. We need someone else (or someone"s") in our life for total fulfillment. Money and business status has never made anyone fulfilled ever. Power only tends to serve power. You really won't enjoy dying wealthy and alone, or, even worse, trying to be wealthy and alone.
Marriage is an institution. Its symbolic of union. The choice to marry or not is the personal choice of the couple. You are adults now. Quit crying about the fairy tales you grew up with "warping" your mind. They were fairy tales and by now you should know that life is not that easy, and the best that life has to offer has to worked for. Blaming social dogmas and outdated perceptions of what the responsible direction of a relationships path is are just taking away any responsiblity from yourself and the decisions you made. No one is making you marry, no one is making you date, and no is keeping you in the rut you are in.
I wish to be married one day not because of some religious belief, being I am agnostic, not because I grew up with fairy tale notions of love and happily ever afters in my head, they are stories I relish but the understanding of what they are truly about has grown along with my sensibilities, and not because I feel society demands it. Society isn't living my life. I am.
My choice to get married is my choice to perform a symbolic act for the union of myself and the woman I love and the choice that we have both made as adults to face life's challenges together.
No where in that is some garbage about being her sole provider, being dependent upon her, having her as the source of my happiness or me being the source for her happiness or any such rot.
There also wasn't anything about us being complete and whole individuals, people who have no issues and feel responsible for their own happiness.
Love and marriage is about give and take. At times you will both be down and both be up and all manner of variations in between. Old personal will rear their ugly head on occasion, patience will be tested, and fights will happen. But there will be happy times, bright, shiny, glory filled times that make all the rest worthwhile...and then long stretches of just plain old average times. Nothing exciting, nothing despairing, just run of the mill times.
But, like everything else in life, like that position in your work place that you crave so much, like that higher wage that are fighting so hard for, like those self-help books you are poring over to be "the best you that YOU can be", like all the 1,000,001 ways that we each try to cope with life and make something better out of it based on whatever it is that we value most...
...its not going to happen if you don't take responsibility for yourself and work at it.
I totally agree. My ex is completely into himself and his goals. He won't even consider marriage. He just wants to secure his own future first and not have to work anymore. The other side to this may be that "he's just not that into me." I also agree with what the author is saying about social networking online. The idea of adding a bunch of people you went to junior high and high school with on facebook is pointless to some who don't care about these people. Why would I want to look at their status updates if I'm never going to speak to them either electronically via an email or in person? Myspace seems to be going in the direction of a fad, like the 80s, but I actually use it to promote my blog, so for me, it's now become completely a professional tool.
I'm so glad I found this website tonight. I can really relate to so much stuff on here. I keep thinking lately why do I feel so lost? But now I realize, I'm cleary not the only one. I feel slightly better...
Ooooh a whole array of opinions.
Honestly i love earning money andf I certainly don't need the institution of marriage to feel secure. But the fact is I'm not single, I'm in a relationship with a great man. He's wickedly humorous, has his own money - more than me, treats my kids as his own and likes to spoil me.
Yeah we've been playing house for a while, just like a married couple. Can't call myself single.
And you know what? I like it as much as I loved being single.
I didn't settle into this relationship just because I wanted a relationship. I had choices - but I knew exactly in my mind what kind of man switches on my buttons.
There is no need to be singel if you want to have a mate. Believe me there are tons of men that are looking for women too.
Just know what you want, make the most of all your assests and go hang around in places where the kind of men you like are to be found. You won't believe how many relationships begin in a gym or some other sporty activity like sailing or skiing.
It's cool to be single and it's just as cool to be partnered. I can't say how long this will last, although it's already been going on for nearly a decade.
Seriously if he had to tell me tonight he's just not that into me anymore well I'd be sad for a few days but I don't want a man that doesn't want me. And whose to say I don't get tired of the whole scenario?
Silly article!! There are so many problems adapting to a fluid environment that no one has the time to waste on a "relationship". We don't "need" each other and as we gain knowledge and grow emotionally. We recognize the the pressure to "couple-up" is not for our benefit but to justify other's decisions. To make money for companies that push "relationships" when those are what holds us back! Success u=is to be exploited and the high earner is to be ripped off!!
I *think* I can relate to what you're saying, Vasha. Anyhow, the writer seems to think success is a bad thing. Why would I want to work hard, busting balls, to earn every penny and ounce of dignity and honor that I have, just to throw it away by being dependent on a sap who can't organize her sock drawer?
Marriage is a religious institution and that's why it's becoming less popular, with the fall of Christianity. Am I saying that's good or bad? Neither. Just stating a fact.
I myself, from experience, know that there is only one place a serious relationship can usually head and that place is straight down the toilet. Otherwise, why would it be so "serious?" I have no desire to rely on anyone; The author is right on target about that. I view it as a good thing and respect independent people. I like a woman who can take care of herself but still show some kindness to me. Someone balanced.
I have recently thought about dumping any desire to ever be married. I used to want it. Now, I see it as a pressure that is put upon us, and that maybe I only ever wanted it because I was brainwashed with the dogma of society. But only the future will tell.
Okay, I already know I'm going to make many angry, but I must be honest. The article had some truth, but it also missed several major facts.
Women in the U.S. are single because of some simple facts, and I'm single and these facts affect me also; some more than others because of my race.
First of all, there are more women than men, so men no longer need to pursue or chase women for relationships. In addition, women have moved into the workforce in record numbers, and are gaining degrees at a much faster rate than men. Why would any self-respecting woman be judged as picky, selfish,self-centered, or high maintenance, because she wants a partner that has the equivalent as she? I don't fault any woman for not wanting a man that's a sack of s**t with a penis!
Unfortunately, as women many of us have created a romantic culture where men no longer need to have anything! To many of us will date, sex, support, breed, be abused by, and allow unworthy men to have us. In this environment why should a man with no job, no education, no culture, overweight, with addiction problems, with kids he has nothing to do with, with criminal records, try harder when there are so many desperate women who will support him, and take up his slack?
Those men that have more to offer, already know they have abundant choices of companions, so why choose only 1 when he can have a modern day harem, and the women will fight each other to the death for his attention, the possibility of a relationship, or marriage? Men now know in America that they have the romantic, sexual, and marriage upper hand. I'll us a personal example to support my theory. I recently lost 2 female friends that I've known for almost 20 years behind a man who had no mind to make a commitment to any 3 of us. I refused to be used like a whore, but my other 2 former friends are now in a mental and emotionally sadistic battle to gain his favor. I was no longer important enough to maintain a relationship of any kind with any of the 3. As a result, I've not heard from any of the 3, even after nearly 20 years of friendship.
It ment more to the man to have sexual sensation to his penis, and more to the women to fall to the depths of desperation and battle each other to prove which is the more superior for his attention.
Women have have beauty, mystery and sexuality, which I feel are the 2 major factors that men are initially attracted to. There are so many attractive women that it's like a buffet for men. Walk into any bar, grocery store, college campus, concert, or social setting, and beautiful women abound! yet how many men are there in any form? Why should a man settle for 1?
I'm single, and it hurts my soul to know that I will spend the rest of my life alone, and the better I improve my existence, the slimmer my chances become.
I agree with you that women do not need to settle for anything less than what they deserve, but are you yourself being too judgemental.
There are a lot of people right now that are overweight and I wonder how many women that are in good physical shape pass up on these men thinking them lazy, undriven, unmotivated guys. I sit at a desk all day, after work and on weekends I exercise, I still am a big guy (6'4" 285) You don't have to settle for less than you deserve or want in a partner, but give us bigger guys a chance too.
I am currently watching "More to love" on Fox. It's another dating show like the bachelor, but the guy is plus size and so are the women. I only have heard one of the women say that she has never dated a guy bigger than her, and I wonder how many of these plus sized women never considered wanting to date a plus sized guy. I know as a plus plus sized guy that I have always been more attractive to the slender physically fit women, though being a bigger guy I have never shyed away from the larger women either, but I am betting many women feel the same way too and look for athletic men instead of guys that are truly compatable with them. Maybe, I am often wrong about these things.
Oh ... I feel for you. However, your logic is extremely flawed. First, latest census figures denote the population as 51% women / 49% men; relatively equal, and hardly an advantage to either gender. Second, how do men have "romantic, sexual, and marriage upper hand"? No evidence of that. Also, you say "beautiful women abound", but seem to indicate that most men lack "any form" (whatever that means). What do you think that says about your thought process?? Clearly, you have made bad choices with men and now express contempt for all men in general. Hopefully you will overcome your anger issues, learn to let go, learn from your mistakes, and stop chasing 'bad boys' and start considering 'good guys'. The lesson will continue to repeat itself until you learn ...
So exactly what is it you want? What do you bring to the table? Why the pressure to be in a relationship? Some people have money and looks and social skills why not use them? Life is getting what you really want if you are not then the blame rests solidly on the shoulders of the person wanting!!
In your missive you mentioned why you could not get a relationship! There was no positive note of self esteem so again " WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE"?
Your premise is clouded. Why do men mention the behavior of women as why they don't want to be in a relationship? Maybe his job does not have the status, maybe he works too much, oh yes he is unworthy. Well doe not it follow that he might not be interested?
you women remind me of my mother when I was a child she won a law suit separated from my my father because she felt strong and independant then got miserable because she was alone and wanted help and companionship. Did you forget your emotional creatures its women that bring the emotions out of men ever since the beginning. So yea you work make money but you will never have nobody to share your life with why because I'm not as smart as you make as much as you or more. If I work alot and my women work alot were is the value of being in a relationship. So stop being so picky there are pros and cons to who you deal with. The person that works alot and make money is never home and doesn't know how to connect. Its like to celeberties getting together does it work? The average ppl in life know the values in life, traveling, cuddling, conversating, being open to have time to try new things I rather that then having to come home cook for myself eat watch TV by myself by the time that money making women come home I'll be time to go to bed. So for that moneymaking women who is looking for somebody to tend to them you'll have to settle for less when you come home everything will be ready for you. Why because I know how hard you work I have time to make you feel good and wont mind doing it since you bringing the bigger peice of bread.
As a hard working guy who puts in 50+ hours a week for work, I am more attractive to women who are equally as busy. A women who is not busy is always wondering why you can't be around more and even though you provide so much for them, they only care about being with you, not how much time it takes to make the money to provide them with everything. I know how to seperate between a job and a women, but if she really doesn't do anything with herself then I know it's not going to last. The last girl I dated only worked 20 hours a week. I would come home from work, and nothing would be done, no cooked meal (not that I expect that) or cleaned house (once again not a requirement with me) but all she did was sit on the couch watching tv waiting for the time she could be with me. Really got old, and uninteresting really fast. Unfortunatlly the women that are busy are usually too independent and want to much out of a guy, so my being a little out of shape (6'4" 285) is undesirable to them and they would rather have the guy who looks good, even though he doesn't have a career and never will, and then they get hurt because they work too much and their guy doesn't and with all his free time, some of them tend to wander. My opinion, I am often wrong and very generalized, of course things can be different and work, I just see in my opinion way too much.
As a hard working woman, I cannot accept that in this society, a man can expect a woman to settle. I never expect a man to do, make, or be better than me in any way. I just know that if I can do it, so can he. I bring a total package to the table, and I should't have to settle.
Somewhere In the previous posts I read "I'm single, and it hurts my soul to know that I will spend the rest of my life alone, and the better I improve my existence, the slimmer my chances become." This is horrifying, but rings true for me too. This is the part where I need to address what I bring to the table. I am successful, I am ambitious, and a hard worker. I have a master's degree, live alone, and own my new car. I am frequently told that I am very beautiful, and I stay in shape. How in the world am I supposed to find a man that can match what I have? At the same token, its very very hard for me to knowingly settle for a man with much less. Why should I lower my standards? I'm not talking about one or two little flaws. I'm talking about deal-breakers: no job, bo car, lives with parents, ugly, obese, etc. I will gladly take an average man with an average job and an average build, and an average etc. I shouldn't have to sacrifice the big ticket items. Where are the average guys???
Yes, I think I should just accept the fact that I will be alone forever.
I agree completely. I think we have an illusion that we can "have it all." What we've really done is lost our priorities and become more and more self centered and selfish and at the root of all this is certainly a portion of ourselves that has grown overly concerned with what other people's values are and what they will think of us. Ugly.
Women are drawn into the concept of what the media manufactures as "love."
Let me tell you, I wasted a lot of years on men who lived hard and fast--good looks and money--and what I "settled" for is what all women complain are all gone, but don't really want in the first place--a GOOD GUY. Foolish women are far too busy picking up the rocks looking for the pot of gold and dividing their time to MAKE the pot of gold as well.
There are women in countries who still have arranged marriages and I'm challenging the perception that this is not a good idea. It's a different idea and it certainly has its perks over some of our own cultural "norms" and habbits. Americans have a very limited and selfish idea of "love" and as we have daughters (often from two or three different daddies) we are teaching them the same easy and non-realistic ideals when choosing a partner.
I'll end this with some advice--pick someone who doesn't argue with you all the time and who shares your hobbies and values. That is way more valuable than a lot of menial things we hold a a "standard."
I think it's a good thing that more and more women aren't settling. Consider the sitcoms for a second ... what do they portray? A beautiful, stick-thin, intelligent woman married to an average joe. Why? Why does my husband have to be some blob on the couch while I'm popping out kids, raising children and running the household?
The truth of the matter is that husbands aren't necessary anymore. Marriage isn't necessary.
Women shouldn't have to feel that pressure they felt in the 50s. You know, the pressure to get married to whomever comes along just to have a husband and to "fit in" to normal society. Women want to stretch and grow. They want to advance in their careers. They want to travel and broaden their horizons. They don't want to be saddled down with brats while hubby goes out to play golf with his coworkers.
Marriage isn't evil, but it is a commitment, so find somebody who suits you. Find your soulmate. Lose the blob on the couch who thinks a woman's place is barefoot in the kitchen ... devoid of any hopes and aspirations save for her weekly scrapbooking club.
Take back your power, ladies. Enjoy your life. Travel the world. Enjoy the company of your friends and family. Take pride in yourself and do what you love to do. And if you want a man in your life, let him in as your partner, not your albatross.
This article is pure rubbish!!
Most singles, particularly women, are so busy working over time to keep their jobs and a roof over their head, there simply is not enough time to meet people unless you skip works and totally let yourself go. Once work outs, job and bills are done there is hardly enough time to sleep never mind time to meet new people.
I have not seen any of the characteristics laid in this articles in my life or those of my single friends and coworkers, obviously this researcher's work suffers from serious selection bias. It is not about self-centered picky people its more about survival in a competitive world.
Okay first. I am single. Good, now that that's out of the way some things about this article. As being a single woman of age 30 I am tired of being single. I am ready to settle down with someone. A lot of the problem with women today is pure selfishness. Many of them have to have "the best." It's the way society is now. People are raised to believe that only certain things are "good enough" for them. Anything that "isn't good enough" gets immediately dismissed. Aside form this, there's also the issue that many women feel too independent. Women are becoming more and more clueless as to what men really want and putting themselves first rather than seeing a relationship as being equal. Men are a different breed than us. Maybe I'm an old fashioned girl but I am anti-internet dating. I would rather get involved with things and go out and do things and maybe i'll meet someone. I don't like the concept of online dating and dating sites. You don't get to meet the person at first. All you get to see is someone's picture and some profile you hope is true. I know why I am still single. it has nothing to do with my being too independent or too self involved or too married to my job. It has to do with situations that have happened in the past. 5 years of my 20's were robbed by a relationship of domestic violence, where in turn, i have been left with awful self esteem. Secondly, because I was in that relationship, I missed out on the dating scene. I never got the experience of dating different types of men. I don't even really know how to talk to a man I'm interested in. I feel terribly out of touch. Additionally, when I did finally leave Mr. Domestic Violence, after a while I fell in love with a friend of mine, who rejected me. I pursued him for 3 years. So there's another 3 years gone to waste. Now I am 30 and ready to start meeting people. But I don't really know how to do it. I want to get married one day and have a family of my own. It's not that great being single after awhile. You start to crave companionship from a man. You start to literally feel badly you're still single.
Lauraann youre not alone regarding wanting a relationship, marriage, family, building a life with someone you love. I too am in the same boat. Through my 20's I didnt want to get married. The way I looked at it was that it was full of dissappointment, unfaithfulness, and eventually divorce. It was very difficult to trust due to past pains and seeing friends and family go through divorce. Then a few years ago I began having desires for a wife, family, building a life together, etc... Yes, youre very right..how do people that havent dated much for whatever reason approach a person of interest? I ask myself that question all the time. Its very frustrating...especially when your friends are meeting people at the strangest places and end up getting married. For example...my best friend met his now wife at Disnyland a year ago... they just married in Jan...another friend did online dating and married the first girl he went on a date with...He did however had many phone conversations with other girls from the dating service but found the one he married more of a match...after 4 years of dating they married. And like you I have always thought pretty much the same about online dating..."You never know what your gonna get" a famous line from an age old movie " Forest Gump" I personally feel more comfortable dating friends that way you already know them in their Real Self...but the problem with that is you end up losing a friend when and if you break up...sooo you should try online dating or a church group, the club...I stay away from the club thing...had enough of that.. The thought of being able to come home to a loved one and having a family has become something I hope I dont miss out on..being single is ok for a little while but not a lifestyle I want to live any longer. I have 5 older brothers all married with children. Though you dont have to marry the perfect person you do want to love the person and it is true opposites do attract...I found that when you have too much in common especially with personality traits it seems to be a rougher relationship...but honestly there isnt any science for that...May I ask do you live in CA.?
Sure thing ecco28, and it's time men got something out of marriage besides "Ummm, I have a headache."
Um, I don't agree. Society continues to tell women our ultimate goal is to get married -- yes the Sex and the City girls had fun being single, but they weren't supposed to be single forever. Why shouldn't we demand more -- women have been the givers for centuries, it's time we got something out of marriage besides more housework.
look out for number 1 - and dont step in number 2.. .clean slate in 08
Great article and completely true. There is some sort of disconnect going on, and most people refuse to look at themselves as the reason. It's kind of sad when you think about it.
