Why Am I Still Single?
New research says there's a reason you're single--and may stay that way.
I was on the phone with my friend Beth, a 31-year-old international sales exec at a major Hollywood film studio.
"I can't believe a four-year relationship could end with us living on two separate coasts," she said, "But he was traveling so much and I finally just told him, 'This is not what I signed up for when I got involved with you.' So, we're officially separated."
She sighed. I sighed.
"Anyway enough about me, what about you, Italian girl? I thought they worshiped American women in the land of pasta and love, why are you still single?"
If I had a euro for every time I wondered that: Why am I still single. It's a question more than half of American women ask themselves, according to a report the New York Times put out in early 2007. This data includes women who live apart from their significant others, but all independent variables aside it's a figure that's rocketed significantly in the last couple decades.
Even as those 57.5 million of us gather round cozy wine bars with our girlfriends, enjoy Bridget Jones nights in sweats on the couch, or pack four different guys into one week (yep, it happens), we're likely to be puzzled over what we may be doing wrong: "That one wearing three carats with the husband more loyal than a black lab—what does she know that I don't?"—or if we actually need partners, as tradition (and Mom) seems to imply.
Jean Twenge is a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable—Than Ever Before (Free Press, 2007) and co-author of the upcoming Narcissism Epidemic with W. Keith Campbell.
Based on recent research she has conducted to learn about current attitudes toward relationships, Twenge confirms, "There is in fact a massive cultural shift at work here." She says the number of women who are romantically uninvolved is a result of one major factor: our culture tells us we don't need relationships.
Call it the "singular-single syndrome": We have it. Twenge recently conducted a study of 200 student participants at San Diego State, and 90% of them answered the questionnaire stating they live by grand individualistic philosophies like, "You shouldn't ever need anyone else to make you feel complete" and "You have to make yourself happy." Read: Can You Buy Happiness?
Based on this study and a handful of others Twenge has conducted in the last few years, she concludes that today's young adults feel they need to be completely self-sufficient in their happiness.
The fact is, young American adults view deep emotional involvement with others as weakness and dependence. It's not just that our culture accepts and accommodates the single lifestyle now—it's that it actually disparages the individual who isn't focused solely on her own personal advancement.
Discussion
I totally agree. My ex is completely into himself and his goals. He won't even consider marriage. He just wants to secure his own future first and not have to work anymore. The other side to this may be that "he's just not that into me." I also agree with what the author is saying about social networking online. The idea of adding a bunch of people you went to junior high and high school with on facebook is pointless to some who don't care about these people. Why would I want to look at their status updates if I'm never going to speak to them either electronically via an email or in person? Myspace seems to be going in the direction of a fad, like the 80s, but I actually use it to promote my blog, so for me, it's now become completely a professional tool.
I'm so glad I found this website tonight. I can really relate to so much stuff on here. I keep thinking lately why do I feel so lost? But now I realize, I'm cleary not the only one. I feel slightly better...
Ooooh a whole array of opinions.
Honestly i love earning money andf I certainly don't need the institution of marriage to feel secure. But the fact is I'm not single, I'm in a relationship with a great man. He's wickedly humorous, has his own money - more than me, treats my kids as his own and likes to spoil me.
Yeah we've been playing house for a while, just like a married couple. Can't call myself single.
And you know what? I like it as much as I loved being single.
I didn't settle into this relationship just because I wanted a relationship. I had choices - but I knew exactly in my mind what kind of man switches on my buttons.
There is no need to be singel if you want to have a mate. Believe me there are tons of men that are looking for women too.
Just know what you want, make the most of all your assests and go hang around in places where the kind of men you like are to be found. You won't believe how many relationships begin in a gym or some other sporty activity like sailing or skiing.
It's cool to be single and it's just as cool to be partnered. I can't say how long this will last, although it's already been going on for nearly a decade.
Seriously if he had to tell me tonight he's just not that into me anymore well I'd be sad for a few days but I don't want a man that doesn't want me. And whose to say I don't get tired of the whole scenario?
Silly article!! There are so many problems adapting to a fluid environment that no one has the time to waste on a "relationship". We don't "need" each other and as we gain knowledge and grow emotionally. We recognize the the pressure to "couple-up" is not for our benefit but to justify other's decisions. To make money for companies that push "relationships" when those are what holds us back! Success u=is to be exploited and the high earner is to be ripped off!!
Okay, I already know I'm going to make many angry, but I must be honest. The article had some truth, but it also missed several major facts.
Women in the U.S. are single because of some simple facts, and I'm single and these facts affect me also; some more than others because of my race.
First of all, there are more women than men, so men no longer need to pursue or chase women for relationships. In addition, women have moved into the workforce in record numbers, and are gaining degrees at a much faster rate than men. Why would any self-respecting woman be judged as picky, selfish,self-centered, or high maintenance, because she wants a partner that has the equivalent as she? I don't fault any woman for not wanting a man that's a sack of s**t with a penis!
Unfortunately, as women many of us have created a romantic culture where men no longer need to have anything! To many of us will date, sex, support, breed, be abused by, and allow unworthy men to have us. In this environment why should a man with no job, no education, no culture, overweight, with addiction problems, with kids he has nothing to do with, with criminal records, try harder when there are so many desperate women who will support him, and take up his slack?
Those men that have more to offer, already know they have abundant choices of companions, so why choose only 1 when he can have a modern day harem, and the women will fight each other to the death for his attention, the possibility of a relationship, or marriage? Men now know in America that they have the romantic, sexual, and marriage upper hand. I'll us a personal example to support my theory. I recently lost 2 female friends that I've known for almost 20 years behind a man who had no mind to make a commitment to any 3 of us. I refused to be used like a whore, but my other 2 former friends are now in a mental and emotionally sadistic battle to gain his favor. I was no longer important enough to maintain a relationship of any kind with any of the 3. As a result, I've not heard from any of the 3, even after nearly 20 years of friendship.
It ment more to the man to have sexual sensation to his penis, and more to the women to fall to the depths of desperation and battle each other to prove which is the more superior for his attention.
Women have have beauty, mystery and sexuality, which I feel are the 2 major factors that men are initially attracted to. There are so many attractive women that it's like a buffet for men. Walk into any bar, grocery store, college campus, concert, or social setting, and beautiful women abound! yet how many men are there in any form? Why should a man settle for 1?
I'm single, and it hurts my soul to know that I will spend the rest of my life alone, and the better I improve my existence, the slimmer my chances become.
Oh ... I feel for you. However, your logic is extremely flawed. First, latest census figures denote the population as 51% women / 49% men; relatively equal, and hardly an advantage to either gender. Second, how do men have "romantic, sexual, and marriage upper hand"? No evidence of that. Also, you say "beautiful women abound", but seem to indicate that most men lack "any form" (whatever that means). What do you think that says about your thought process?? Clearly, you have made bad choices with men and now express contempt for all men in general. Hopefully you will overcome your anger issues, learn to let go, learn from your mistakes, and stop chasing 'bad boys' and start considering 'good guys'. The lesson will continue to repeat itself until you learn ...
So exactly what is it you want? What do you bring to the table? Why the pressure to be in a relationship? Some people have money and looks and social skills why not use them? Life is getting what you really want if you are not then the blame rests solidly on the shoulders of the person wanting!!
In your missive you mentioned why you could not get a relationship! There was no positive note of self esteem so again " WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE"?
Your premise is clouded. Why do men mention the behavior of women as why they don't want to be in a relationship? Maybe his job does not have the status, maybe he works too much, oh yes he is unworthy. Well doe not it follow that he might not be interested?
you women remind me of my mother when I was a child she won a law suit separated from my my father because she felt strong and independant then got miserable because she was alone and wanted help and companionship. Did you forget your emotional creatures its women that bring the emotions out of men ever since the beginning. So yea you work make money but you will never have nobody to share your life with why because I'm not as smart as you make as much as you or more. If I work alot and my women work alot were is the value of being in a relationship. So stop being so picky there are pros and cons to who you deal with. The person that works alot and make money is never home and doesn't know how to connect. Its like to celeberties getting together does it work? The average ppl in life know the values in life, traveling, cuddling, conversating, being open to have time to try new things I rather that then having to come home cook for myself eat watch TV by myself by the time that money making women come home I'll be time to go to bed. So for that moneymaking women who is looking for somebody to tend to them you'll have to settle for less when you come home everything will be ready for you. Why because I know how hard you work I have time to make you feel good and wont mind doing it since you bringing the bigger peice of bread.
I agree completely. I think we have an illusion that we can "have it all." What we've really done is lost our priorities and become more and more self centered and selfish and at the root of all this is certainly a portion of ourselves that has grown overly concerned with what other people's values are and what they will think of us. Ugly.
Women are drawn into the concept of what the media manufactures as "love."
Let me tell you, I wasted a lot of years on men who lived hard and fast--good looks and money--and what I "settled" for is what all women complain are all gone, but don't really want in the first place--a GOOD GUY. Foolish women are far too busy picking up the rocks looking for the pot of gold and dividing their time to MAKE the pot of gold as well.
There are women in countries who still have arranged marriages and I'm challenging the perception that this is not a good idea. It's a different idea and it certainly has its perks over some of our own cultural "norms" and habbits. Americans have a very limited and selfish idea of "love" and as we have daughters (often from two or three different daddies) we are teaching them the same easy and non-realistic ideals when choosing a partner.
I'll end this with some advice--pick someone who doesn't argue with you all the time and who shares your hobbies and values. That is way more valuable than a lot of menial things we hold a a "standard."
I think it's a good thing that more and more women aren't settling. Consider the sitcoms for a second ... what do they portray? A beautiful, stick-thin, intelligent woman married to an average joe. Why? Why does my husband have to be some blob on the couch while I'm popping out kids, raising children and running the household?
The truth of the matter is that husbands aren't necessary anymore. Marriage isn't necessary.
Women shouldn't have to feel that pressure they felt in the 50s. You know, the pressure to get married to whomever comes along just to have a husband and to "fit in" to normal society. Women want to stretch and grow. They want to advance in their careers. They want to travel and broaden their horizons. They don't want to be saddled down with brats while hubby goes out to play golf with his coworkers.
Marriage isn't evil, but it is a commitment, so find somebody who suits you. Find your soulmate. Lose the blob on the couch who thinks a woman's place is barefoot in the kitchen ... devoid of any hopes and aspirations save for her weekly scrapbooking club.
Take back your power, ladies. Enjoy your life. Travel the world. Enjoy the company of your friends and family. Take pride in yourself and do what you love to do. And if you want a man in your life, let him in as your partner, not your albatross.
This article is pure rubbish!!
Most singles, particularly women, are so busy working over time to keep their jobs and a roof over their head, there simply is not enough time to meet people unless you skip works and totally let yourself go. Once work outs, job and bills are done there is hardly enough time to sleep never mind time to meet new people.
I have not seen any of the characteristics laid in this articles in my life or those of my single friends and coworkers, obviously this researcher's work suffers from serious selection bias. It is not about self-centered picky people its more about survival in a competitive world.
Okay first. I am single. Good, now that that's out of the way some things about this article. As being a single woman of age 30 I am tired of being single. I am ready to settle down with someone. A lot of the problem with women today is pure selfishness. Many of them have to have "the best." It's the way society is now. People are raised to believe that only certain things are "good enough" for them. Anything that "isn't good enough" gets immediately dismissed. Aside form this, there's also the issue that many women feel too independent. Women are becoming more and more clueless as to what men really want and putting themselves first rather than seeing a relationship as being equal. Men are a different breed than us. Maybe I'm an old fashioned girl but I am anti-internet dating. I would rather get involved with things and go out and do things and maybe i'll meet someone. I don't like the concept of online dating and dating sites. You don't get to meet the person at first. All you get to see is someone's picture and some profile you hope is true. I know why I am still single. it has nothing to do with my being too independent or too self involved or too married to my job. It has to do with situations that have happened in the past. 5 years of my 20's were robbed by a relationship of domestic violence, where in turn, i have been left with awful self esteem. Secondly, because I was in that relationship, I missed out on the dating scene. I never got the experience of dating different types of men. I don't even really know how to talk to a man I'm interested in. I feel terribly out of touch. Additionally, when I did finally leave Mr. Domestic Violence, after a while I fell in love with a friend of mine, who rejected me. I pursued him for 3 years. So there's another 3 years gone to waste. Now I am 30 and ready to start meeting people. But I don't really know how to do it. I want to get married one day and have a family of my own. It's not that great being single after awhile. You start to crave companionship from a man. You start to literally feel badly you're still single.
Lauraann youre not alone regarding wanting a relationship, marriage, family, building a life with someone you love. I too am in the same boat. Through my 20's I didnt want to get married. The way I looked at it was that it was full of dissappointment, unfaithfulness, and eventually divorce. It was very difficult to trust due to past pains and seeing friends and family go through divorce. Then a few years ago I began having desires for a wife, family, building a life together, etc... Yes, youre very right..how do people that havent dated much for whatever reason approach a person of interest? I ask myself that question all the time. Its very frustrating...especially when your friends are meeting people at the strangest places and end up getting married. For example...my best friend met his now wife at Disnyland a year ago... they just married in Jan...another friend did online dating and married the first girl he went on a date with...He did however had many phone conversations with other girls from the dating service but found the one he married more of a match...after 4 years of dating they married. And like you I have always thought pretty much the same about online dating..."You never know what your gonna get" a famous line from an age old movie " Forest Gump" I personally feel more comfortable dating friends that way you already know them in their Real Self...but the problem with that is you end up losing a friend when and if you break up...sooo you should try online dating or a church group, the club...I stay away from the club thing...had enough of that.. The thought of being able to come home to a loved one and having a family has become something I hope I dont miss out on..being single is ok for a little while but not a lifestyle I want to live any longer. I have 5 older brothers all married with children. Though you dont have to marry the perfect person you do want to love the person and it is true opposites do attract...I found that when you have too much in common especially with personality traits it seems to be a rougher relationship...but honestly there isnt any science for that...May I ask do you live in CA.?
Sure thing ecco28, and it's time men got something out of marriage besides "Ummm, I have a headache."
Um, I don't agree. Society continues to tell women our ultimate goal is to get married -- yes the Sex and the City girls had fun being single, but they weren't supposed to be single forever. Why shouldn't we demand more -- women have been the givers for centuries, it's time we got something out of marriage besides more housework.
look out for number 1 - and dont step in number 2.. .clean slate in 08
Great article and completely true. There is some sort of disconnect going on, and most people refuse to look at themselves as the reason. It's kind of sad when you think about it.