Interracial Romance: Is Love Colorblind?
Does the fact that we ask the question mean we still have a long way to go?
When I was asked to write an essay about my relationship in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I accepted immediately. I've been in an interracial relationship with my fiancé Fred for two and a half years (and dated a bevy of men from different cultures and races before that), and I was raised by my parents to believe in Martin Luther King Jr's philosophy: All men are created equal. So who better than me to write on this topic? But after staring at a blank document on my computer screen for over 2 hours, I wondered why I was still struggling to put thoughts to paper.
And the answer is this: To me, Fred is not black. And I'm not white. We are Fred and Colleen, and we are in love. I know that sounds simple, possibly naïve, and definitely romantic—but it's true. About a year ago I interviewed Shonda Rhimes, creator and executive producer of Grey's Anatomy for a different magazine, and, at the time, I commended her on creating one of the first television shows to portray a multitude of interracial relationships without it being the central issue. In fact, race is never discussed or even alluded to on the show. She replied, "I think that issues of race are a larger conversation that people project on a relationship, but for the two people in it, that's not the primary thing on their minds."
I had never thought about it that way before, but it struck a chord because it's so true. Fred and I rarely discuss race because it's not the biggest difference between us. What is? We went to rival colleges: He's a Georgia Tech grad, and I'm a UGA Bulldog. We still can't sit next to each other on the couch on game day. He watches movies with the lights on; I like complete darkness. He has to have a fan on while he sleeps; I pile on the blankets to compensate.
That's not to say race doesn't affect us at all. In a perfect world, it wouldn't, but we don't live in a perfect world. When we visited a church in Savannah, GA, an older white man one pew up spent the entire sermon with his head twisted around, staring at us. When we got in our car, we both looked at each other: "Did you see that man?", we both asked. We assumed it was because we're an interracial couple, and he didn't approve, but we'll never know for sure.
We've had to discuss what we will tell our kids when they encounter racism for being "mixed." It's a reality we can't ignore but not one that we think will be the biggest hurdle in their lives (though it would be nice if it were).
And then there are the funnier, cultural differences. This past Christmas, Fred called his dad to tell him we were coming home for the holiday, and his dad replied, "I was thinking about celebrating only Kwanza this year." Not knowing much about the holiday except for the fact that it celebrated African American culture, I blurted out: "Am I invited?" Fred laughed for a long time, and then explained to me what Kwanza is and that I would certainly be welcome.
Discussion
I totally agree with Colleen! I’m the product of an inter-racial couple (Indian mother, white father), and color is really not the issue that people make it out to be…to the contrary, it was relatively easy growing up (normal childhood issues aside)! I prefer dating outside of my two races and again – color is never an issue. I’m simply with someone that I like, that I’m attracted to, that I have fun with… and I’m always thankful that I have that someone to share moments with, because some people are never lucky enough to find that love no matter what the color!
I couldn't agree more. Before dating my current boyfriend, I never paid attention to race either. And it's not such a big deal normally, in day-to-day life. I think surrounding yourself with things that reflect who you are makes a big difference. I read a lot of IR books. I was contacted by a new author, Latrivia Nelson to preview her new book, Ivy's Twisted Vine. This book was cool because it did focus on the fact that not everyone is centered around race. So, you understand what the characters are going through. This book made me realize that I'm not the only one who is really not wrapped up in race when I'm looking to find someone to love for the rest of my life.
I really enjoyed this article. I'm a Haitian-Canadian female whose been in a relationship with a white male for a year now, and I love him and adore him, and just like the author, I dated a variety of guys from different religious and racial backgrounds before I found my soulmate. I think when it comes to issues of attraction and love, race becomes very hard to care or think about, whatever your reservations about it may have been before, because it's so hard to find someone you really "click" with, and when you do, well, it suddenly seems like a very silly reason not to pursue it, and also because, simply put, racism is unnatural. People were never meant to care about or acknowledge race. Biologically speaking, looks and common interests matter, but race is a man-made construct, it was never meant to determine whom we mate with.
I'm actually proud to be in a relationship of this sort because I really do believe that interracial relationships help make the world a better, more broadminded place. Once the "other" is in your family, or dating your best friend, well, you don't really see them as "the other" anymore, do you? You realize just how trivial such differences are and just how beautiful love really is.
I am a white female in a relationship with an Indian man. I agree with the article very much however, I feel that society and our families may not accept us. It hurts b/c we have been together for three years and marriage seems like the next step or at least moving in together but I know that if we were the same race we would have already married. Now I am not sure what to do, b/c it feels like eventually I may have to move on without him as marriage seems to hard for either of us to grasp. I don't see him as an Indian man, I see him just for him but enjoy and respect his culture. I am not sure what is the next step in our relationshio?
Great article. I am African and my husband is Dutch, we have been together for 8 years, married for 6 with 2 gorgeous children. We never became overly focused on race or color during this time but have had reminders that we are somehow different, odd or at worst deviant for being together. Sadly we had our most negative experiences to date while travelling in the US. We live in the Netherlands and while it's not perfect we are left alone to live our lives without being stared at and free from uninvited comments. We do talk about racial issues sometimes - it is unrealistic not to - but sensitively and respectfully. It is not a taboo subject in our home and talking has helped us to understand each other better especially regarding cultural differences and life experience.
Our children are still only little but we know the day is coming when they will start to ask questions about their race and may worry about where they "fit"- we are preparing ourselves and them slowly for this and hopefully bringing them up to become loving, tolerant human beings who are open and accepting of themselves and every single one of God's children. Life can throw challenges at you whatever your circumstances so we have never felt unique in the challenges we face, if anything we become more aware of what we mean to each other. I am in love with and married to my soulmate and would not change our lives for anything.
